So this is a strange one. As you might guess I’m a little bit all over the place this week, its the last full week before my operation so depression has set in, I posted the Diary post that showed that I’d done something good to move forward with my life and regretted it every second after…
I’m just a little lost right now so I don’t think I can put into words my week.
SOOOOOOO last week I tried something different. This week I’ve just picked four songs and I’m gonna post the lyrics that speak to me without any commentary because… I physically can’t even begin to explain the pain I’m in without starting to ramble about being in love with a man who is indifferent to my existence, fearing I’m going to die on Thursday and just generally not really wanting to be alive anymore at the same time.
Continue reading My Life as a Playlist Week 15
So I had my pre-op appointment today and some weird things happened to me and I made a big decision in my life knowing full well it is never going to be the same again after next week anyway so I’ll kind of explain as much as I can below and hope you all forgive me for being absolute shit for the next few weeks.
Continue reading Diary # 23 : A Out of the Blue and Strange update
OK its a bit of a dramatic sounding title but I couldn’t think of a better way to describe it.
After having a conversation with someone at work I finally realised one giant problem with the way people handle being told that someone they know is depressed/suicidal or suffers from life crippling anxiety.
Instead of asking you why, how its triggered or if there was something that you can pinpoint that started it (questions you might not have answers too but at least it shows they are aware its personal to you and want to understand it) they tend to, with the best intentions at heart, tell you why you shouldn’t be, that things will get better and that you don’t want to kill yourself….
Continue reading Diary #7 : Killing you with Good Intentions
I will start with a question.
Is there a universe out there that you’ve read about in a book that just seems so real and alive to you that it upsets you deep inside that it isn’t real and you aren’t there? Are there characters that touch your heart so tenderly that you don’t care if people think you are stupid but as far as you are concerned you know them? You are more emotionally attached to them and their plight then you are of real life people right in front of you?
If you have I’d love to know which ones so leave me a message in the comments. If not then why not?
Let me tell you about some of mine…
Continue reading Diary #6 : Fantastical Books and the Impression they leave
Today is a game of word association. So I guess my job is to explain the title.
Home = Safe. It wasn’t just the word house it was home and home is something you have to build for yourself. You build it TO feel safe in it, it becomes your sanctuary. Its also the only word out of the three that no word actually DID pop into my head, I kind of just sat there thinking Home… Home… Home….
Soil = Land. OK it is a bit of a cop out but it was also the first and only word that came into my mind. Without the soil we have nothing. We should look after our land more then we do but we never think about it.
Rain = Sad. I don’t know why either. Again maybe its obvious, I mean enough films, TV shows and cartoons/anime have sad characters followed by rain clouds. The rain doesn’t have to be about sadness though. Rain brings life with it, it waters the plants outside. Its essential for us.
I’m terrible at word association if I’m honest! They say the first thing that comes to your mind but usually my mind goes blank!
So… You guys out there. What is the first word that comes to your mind when I say Home, Soil or Rain at you?
I’ve been thinking a lot recently. I write on here about my depression and anxiety all the time, its even in some of my non-personal blogs. I’m not afraid to speak about how I feel and one of the biggest problems my conditions all joined together leaves me with is a obsessive personality.
Now I’ve started to wonder, with some of the people viewing the blog and leaving messages being from my own city and that I could possibly meet at any point whether its a good idea to actually open myself up so much.
Continue reading Diary #4 : Should we share?