Tag Archives: Reclusive

Diary #17 : Its Time We Really Started Talking!

The news of Chester Bennington losing his fight against depression this week has been hard to take. Linkin’ Park has always been one of those many bands that got me through my teenage years of abuse and bullying and in my adult life their songs still get through to me at the toughest of times. I’m not saying I was their biggest fan, they are one of many MANY bands that were around in those tough teenage years which stick around my playlists because they mean a lot to me.

I’m sorry if this sounds heartless but after news like this there is a outpouring online of people telling us that we are not alone and sending us numbers we can phone if we ever feel like we are but once the pain of the death dies down the talk of depression and mental illness in general becomes one no one wants to have again.

If you really want us not to be alone you’d stop treating our illness like its not important.

Continue reading Diary #17 : Its Time We Really Started Talking!

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Diary #14 : The Tale of the Hedgehog…

So everyone has small triggers when it comes to anxiety and one of mine is sound,

Its strange, its such a random thing you might think, but since I was a child I’ve always been scared of the strangest of sounds. I’m partially deaf but I’m actually able to HEAR a spider in my room before I see it, thunder terrifies me even though I love lightening (which is the actual dangerous part of a thunderstorm) and I hate being in public places without headphones or someone with me else I constantly believe people are talking to me, about me or laughing at me.

So let me tell you how a hedgehog last night buggered up my day today….

Continue reading Diary #14 : The Tale of the Hedgehog…

365 Challenge : Comfort Zone

What are you more comfortable with – routine and planning, or laissez-faire spontaneity?

It won’t come as a surprise that I plan just about everything down to the last letter and when things don’t go to plan I easily freak out.

 

Millions of times I have bored you to death telling you all about my anxiety. I’m extremely paranoid in social situations so if I don’t have a bit of a plan of where I’m going and what I’m doing I can get uneasy in situations that means I’m around a lot of people a lot of the time.

That isn’t to say I can’t do spontaneous things. Hell I do stupid spontaneous things all the time. Not being a social person though its usually spontaneously spending money without thinking and then having a while to plan how I’m actually going to do whatever it is. I don’t really have friends to spontaneously force to go and do something with and other then waking up and doing what takes my fancy at the spur of the moment its hardly like I do anything outside the house. I’m a recovering recluse so I spend a lot of time indoors.

When I’m going out though I need a plan. I’ll look up where I’m going, how far it is from point A to point B, the best way to get there, if I’m taking public transport I go into detail on which buses/trains I need to get, which one will get me there 1-2 hours before I need to be there, where there is something I can hide out not too close to the building but close enough that if I blank out and need to rush there I can get to easily…

Its the same at work. One reason I’m so useful in things like Stock Counts and the such is that I plan everything out into the simplest way of doing things and follow the plan.

I guess it all goes back to one of the reasons I am paranoid. I get overly emotional whilst talking to people so if something goes wrong I end up looking or acting really guilty or just generally upset. Therefore if I have a plan and something goes wrong I can point to what went wrong and try to fix it. If I do something spur of the moment I tend to panic that if something goes wrong I’ll get stuck. It doesn’t feel like a adventure to me but complete mental torture.

Again though that generally comes about because I spend time on my own or else if something went wrong I’d have my mum or sister blaming me for not planning better. If I had other people around it wouldn’t be so bad. Never really tried the friends thing though so wouldn’t know.

Its comforting having a plan.

365 Challenge : Buffalo Nickel

“Dig through your couch cushions, your purse, or the floor of your car and look at the year printed on the first coin you find. What were you doing that year?”

I found a coin in my bag, it was a 50p from 2008.

2008

Continue reading 365 Challenge : Buffalo Nickel