I do intend to write something every few days during the Lockdown and here we are!
There isn’t much new to report here, I’m back to work on Monday and even have a special letter saying that I’m a essential worker which is a weird thing seeing that most people think that retail workers are below them. My throat is still shot, my nerve damage is playing up and my depression and anxiety are not doing well.
Thanks to my favourite streamers and their communities I’m doing OK. Most of them have been streaming every day, there has been a lot of chilling with Animal Crossing and Disney+ has given me every series of Simpsons to binge.
Whilst my doctor and therapist don’t want me to go back to work and I’ve just given up on trying to sort out everything that they and my managers want me to sort out I’m looking forward to working because I realised that in two weeks I’ve barely been outside, barely seen anyone and maybe need to actually maybe go back for my own mental health reasons.
My favorite streamer streams from 8pm-5am UK time seeing he’s West Coast USA so I need to stop staying up watching him and get back to actually living in UK time as much as it’ll hurt not being active in that community though at the same time it’ll be good to be social IRL instead of just over the computer.
So how about you guys?
Who is making sure to go out for their hour exercise? Have you started doing something you’ve put off because of working usually? Are you working from home and life is basically the same as always just the scenery has changed? Anyone binge anything interesting?
Are you doing one thing a day to make you happy? If you are coped up with other people are you making sure to have a little bit of time to yourself every day?
Keep your spirits up and I hope you all are well!
So you might have noticed we did really well for a couple weeks and then last week everything just went to pot.
As always there is a reason and hopefully as this week rolls on it’ll stop being a reason that everything is held up and just disappear from my life for good. That reason is pain and I’ll explain a little about it below.
Continue reading Diary #34 : Pain. The Real Enemy.
There are few things harder in life than dealing with a break up, regardless of circumstances, outcomes or the person it’s with.
Unfortunately that’s what I’m currently dealing with, I was the one who instigated the split but it’s still difficult to deal with. I haven’t blogged in a while but i would like to share my experiences and I think it’s also to do with blowing off some steam but hopefully other people will take something from the experience I’m currently going through.
Continue reading 5 Things… You should know about break ups.
The news of Chester Bennington losing his fight against depression this week has been hard to take. Linkin’ Park has always been one of those many bands that got me through my teenage years of abuse and bullying and in my adult life their songs still get through to me at the toughest of times. I’m not saying I was their biggest fan, they are one of many MANY bands that were around in those tough teenage years which stick around my playlists because they mean a lot to me.
I’m sorry if this sounds heartless but after news like this there is a outpouring online of people telling us that we are not alone and sending us numbers we can phone if we ever feel like we are but once the pain of the death dies down the talk of depression and mental illness in general becomes one no one wants to have again.
If you really want us not to be alone you’d stop treating our illness like its not important.
Continue reading Diary #17 : Its Time We Really Started Talking!
A very tough weekend looks only to get worse as the week goes on and as the emotional stress continues to build my mind has gone into self destruct and my worst qualities are coming to the forefront in a very explosive way.
Continue reading Diary #16 : Not Coping with Emotional Stress
I don’t think people get just how badly anxiety can effect you. For instance I can come across as unfriendly, anti-social or shy because my anxiety effects my speech. Similarly when I try too hard I can come across as annoying, overly sarcastic and a bit of a bitch.
There isn’t a middle ground for me because I suck so bad at communicating with other humans.
Continue reading Diary #15 : How not to talk to other humans….
So I have a bit of a obsessive personality. Its not something I can help, if I like something I want to know everything about it right at that moment and fill my head with it. My best work is done when I’m going through a obsessive phase with something. My many long years obsession with the racing driver Bruno Senna for example gave me many wonderful moments creating things for a fan site for him, my obsession over Domhnall Gleeson made me want to watch Star Wars a few times which led me to writing my most popular fic on Ao3 and so on and so forth.
When they are like that its fine. It makes me productive. I want to watch every single Adrien Brody film ever? I’ll go do that and write about them or get ideas from the movies of other things to write about.
When its a real life thing though…. Well that’s when I flounder.
Continue reading Diary #13 : Obsession…
I am a very paranoid person. I really am. I have to second guess everything and the absolute worst thing anyone could do is compliment me because that is the one second I start to panic that actually I’ve done something wrong….
Continue reading Diary #12 : How Not to Take Compliments
I’ve been told that no matter how comfortable you are being alone the majority of your life there will at least be one moment where you wish that you could fit in, you did fit in or you wanted to fit in.
As one of those annoying people who do and don’t everything (I do want friends, but I don’t want friends, I do want to go out with people and I don’t want to leave my house, I do want to talk to someone but I’d rather poke my eyes out then do so….) I can agree with that but I also know I’m unusual in general.
So the question becomes is it actually important to “fit in” and what does that even mean?!
Continue reading Diary #11 : The Question of Fitting in…
This actually probably isn’t what you might think it is. Its under the Diary tag just because it was a random thought from me and as all the diary posts tend to be mine I thought I’d add it as such.
I follow the wonderful Twitter account of @IcebergLuffy a anime account that sparks weekly debates amongst its followers throughout Saturdays. I’ve had some riveting discussions with people all over the world about a wide variety of things from politics to morals, sexual inequality to whether or not you stream anime legally or illegally. Everyone has a interesting opinion and even though I don’t always join in the conversations (the Twitter user is American so the conversation starts at about 1am UK time meaning sometimes I feel I have nothing to add by the time I remember to check his feed) I read every single tweet he retweets. It reminds me of how big this planet is and just how different we all are.
His debate this week was “Could there truly be a perfect world / perfect society?” and whilst personally my answer to THAT I feel was cut and dry (in my opinion) a tweet that then garnered a extra two likes actually made me realise that we always need to be reminded that being nice doesn’t sell…
Continue reading Diary #9 : Being Nice Doesn’t Sell…