The news of Chester Bennington losing his fight against depression this week has been hard to take. Linkin’ Park has always been one of those many bands that got me through my teenage years of abuse and bullying and in my adult life their songs still get through to me at the toughest of times. I’m not saying I was their biggest fan, they are one of many MANY bands that were around in those tough teenage years which stick around my playlists because they mean a lot to me.
I’m sorry if this sounds heartless but after news like this there is a outpouring online of people telling us that we are not alone and sending us numbers we can phone if we ever feel like we are but once the pain of the death dies down the talk of depression and mental illness in general becomes one no one wants to have again.
If you really want us not to be alone you’d stop treating our illness like its not important.
Continue reading Diary #17 : Its Time We Really Started Talking!
It won’t surprise anyone to know I’m a introvert. I’m one of those really annoying types who wants to have loads of friends and feel involved but the second someone takes pity on me and tries to include me in anything I shy away from it because its too much.
I hate going outside, I hate having to communicate with people and I hate remembering that there is a world outside of the fantasy ones I create in my head.
With all my many problems both socially and just in general, if you come across these blogs and read about me you might think I’d be a easy introvert to pick out of a crowd. Yet the one thing I hear ALL the time is that people just don’t believe I’m a introvert.
Its bloody annoying too!
Continue reading Diary #10 : I don’t believe it…
Who’s the most important person in your life – and how would your day-to-day existence be different without them?
I don’t like people.
I don’t even like myself so I’m not sure how I’d decide on someone being the most important person in my life.
There is my family but I don’t think you can count them because… Well… They are family. Out of my family though it would only be my niece, mum and baby sister.
Friends? Well I have the guys on this blog and Fiona plus a bunch of guys I used to know real well because we were all F1 fans but I wouldn’t really say they were important enough to mark them out above everyone else or each other.
Hell I’d love to be big headed enough to say I am the most important person in my life but sometimes I wish I’d piss the hell off and leave me to enjoy life.
Thing is I always tend to be let down by people a lot. I got close to someone once and they stole money from me, tried to get close to someone recently and they just lied to me and spent most of the time being dramatic about the smallest of things. Another guy that I tried to befriend ended up telling me I should kill myself and not fight my depression and yet another one hates my guts because I dare not to find him attractive and want to sleep with him. When I left school none of my “friends” tried to keep in touch with me…
I guess I’m just super annoying.
The people who have kept in touch with me in my life don’t have to see me very often so have no need to want me dead.
You know what… This blog was meant to talk about the most important person in my life and all it has made me realise is that I must be the most unlikeable person in the world. Like honestly I can’t keep any kind of relationship at all. The more people let me down the more nervous I get talking to people and the more I try to keep things at arms length and then get depressed about it all at the same time.
Its why I hate people.
IF all these very unimportant people (or in other words everyone) pissed off and left my life would be easier I guess. I might grow to love myself because I wouldn’t feel inadequate because just about everyone and everything has more worth then myself. But as all the population of Earth ain’t going away any time soon I don’t think I can really test that theory!
27th June – 5th July
Week 13 Question :
Somewhere you’d like to move or visit?
I’ve talked about it a lot but I’d rather like to move to a few places. In fact one thing I’d love to do at some point is travel. It upsets me when I tell people that and they go “just do it” when I can barely afford to live let alone get train tickets. Maybe one day when I have enough money to learn how to drive I’ll find it easier to move about.
So some places? Rome in Italy is number one with Lucca a close second. Copenhagen is another, EVERYWHERE in Germany, EVERYWHERE in America as well as a whole load of other places.
Wales is probably the EASIEST place I want to go to as is Ireland.
Continue reading Week 23