So I had my pre-op appointment today and some weird things happened to me and I made a big decision in my life knowing full well it is never going to be the same again after next week anyway so I’ll kind of explain as much as I can below and hope you all forgive me for being absolute shit for the next few weeks.
So this is my last day of holiday and I’m sat here wasting the hours away until DEFIANT Wrestling is on and depressing myself over my return to work tomorrow. Four days in a row. Four days…
For some people nothing is going to stop them being the happy positive wonderful humans they are. That’s all good and well for you. Today, or just recently I guess, I’m sick of people telling me that I’m too negative and that if I just Lived in the Moment I’d be much happier.
Just because it works for you it doesn’t mean its going to work with someone like me.
So everyone has small triggers when it comes to anxiety and one of mine is sound,
Its strange, its such a random thing you might think, but since I was a child I’ve always been scared of the strangest of sounds. I’m partially deaf but I’m actually able to HEAR a spider in my room before I see it, thunder terrifies me even though I love lightening (which is the actual dangerous part of a thunderstorm) and I hate being in public places without headphones or someone with me else I constantly believe people are talking to me, about me or laughing at me.
So let me tell you how a hedgehog last night buggered up my day today….
So I have a bit of a obsessive personality. Its not something I can help, if I like something I want to know everything about it right at that moment and fill my head with it. My best work is done when I’m going through a obsessive phase with something. My many long years obsession with the racing driver Bruno Senna for example gave me many wonderful moments creating things for a fan site for him, my obsession over Domhnall Gleeson made me want to watch Star Wars a few times which led me to writing my most popular fic on Ao3 and so on and so forth.
When they are like that its fine. It makes me productive. I want to watch every single Adrien Brody film ever? I’ll go do that and write about them or get ideas from the movies of other things to write about.
When its a real life thing though…. Well that’s when I flounder.
I’ve been told that no matter how comfortable you are being alone the majority of your life there will at least be one moment where you wish that you could fit in, you did fit in or you wanted to fit in.
As one of those annoying people who do and don’t everything (I do want friends, but I don’t want friends, I do want to go out with people and I don’t want to leave my house, I do want to talk to someone but I’d rather poke my eyes out then do so….) I can agree with that but I also know I’m unusual in general.
So the question becomes is it actually important to “fit in” and what does that even mean?!
So first a update on the page.
Below I’ll explain the long and boring stuff (as it is a diary post and they are used for mental illness talk) but before that I’ll get down to it. We have EVERYTHING up to date. No really we do. Everyone has written every review they have needed too BUT its being held up, by me, in the drafts. As I have to double check spelling and tags and all that all the Yonderland, AHS, Ash vs Evil Dead and even just other misc posts have been piling up but with everyone working and me the way I am they’ve just been stuck in limbo.
THEREFORE I shall be doing my best to edit them over the weekend and get them out as best I can. I won’t have them all post to Facebook as most of the people who follow us on Facebook are there for wrestling reviews and nothing else (the Pride review will be out as I have actually written most of it, it’ll just be stupidly late as it is already.) I’ll try to spread them out over the next 7 or so days. I’ll try but be patient.
Why is it taking me so long?