Diary #37 : Sickness and Sleep

There is a very good reason I’m writing this nonsense right now.

One thing I hate is napping, I have extreme time anxiety and get very anxious and depressed when I waste time during the day napping. The same happens if I wake up late. Therefore being sick is the worst thing in the world for me as all I want to do is nap and nap is all I’ve been doing.

This actually started on the day I got ill. I came back from work and was just so tired that whilst I didn’t nap I lay in bed from about 2pm-4pm and then was like “well I need to go bed soon” which was super depressing. It never got better after that.

My sleep pattern for my first week of sickness wasn’t all that bad, in fact I woke up super early on the 20th to stream Animal Crossing and until I got really sick about 8 hours into the stream (which was still morning for me) was doing good. Unfortunately that was the day the first super nap happened and I was so sick that I just needed to sleep the entire day.

That Saturday was mildly better but the Sunday I went for a nap asking my family to wake me in a hour and ended up sleeping till about 5pm.

All the while my favourite streamer has been streaming all day from pretty early. He’s West Coast USA and we’ve been in that weird period where they had DST but we were still waiting for it so his streams that usually would start between 9-10pm started between 8-9pm.

No real difference right?

Just I usually go to sleep in between 8-9pm so him starting after I had wasted most of my day sleeping was a nice distraction from the depression setting in that I was sleeping too much.

So whilst some people assumed that me staying awake watching him was the reason my sleep fucked up in fact me staying up watching him was the reason my depression didn’t kick in fully as I wasted my entire life sleeping because I was ill. I kind of reverted back to my old sleeping habits, I used to wake up super late, work the afternoon and then not go sleep till about 4am which was fine when you start work after 1pm. Not so much when you start work at 6am and need to leave the house at 5am to get there.

Not only that but he has been kind of a good boy and instead of streaming till the early hours like he usually does he has been getting offline at a reasonable time so I’ve been going to sleep at my old time of 4am/5am but that just means that I’m in bed till 11am which then depresses me because now I’ve usually not only been awake the entire morning but finished work and walked home and started doing work on the website by 11am.

On top of all that he had a day off this week and what did I do?

I slept the entire evening and didn’t get up till 11am because again I was so sick my body just wanted the sleep which isn’t a bad thing but it isn’t something my head can get itself around no matter how hard me or my friends try to tell it that.

Thing is I haven’t been able to stop it and when asking for help from the people around haven’t received it.

Me asking people to make sure I don’t nap gets me nowhere, I found my cousin stood in the front room watching the Simpsons which I had fallen asleep to or in the kitchen getting food a number of times I drifted back awake before falling back to sleep. At no point did he bother to wake me up or try to keep me motivated he just left me to it.

So now it is 6:30pm.

I have slept from about 12pm (I hope, it might have been earlier) till 5:30pm and now I’m sat in my bed typing this getting ready to try for at least another nap.

I’m back to work for the first time in two weeks tomorrow, I need to be up at 4am at the latest and I don’t know if I just haven’t been waking up to my alarms or because I’ve been sleeping so late I’ve just mentally been blocking them. I’m anxious about going back to work, I’m terrified of not waking up for it and I’m not really that tired after sleeping all day.

All I really want is another nap that at the minimum lasts until about 8 or 9pm.

Why is sleep such a pain though?

I hate wasting my day and I panic about it so often that I end up wasting it panicking anyway. Most days I can’t decide what the best use of my time is so I’ll end up sitting there thinking about it for hours.

Even when I stream for long periods, I love streaming but then I look at how long I’ve just been sat in my room and it depresses me thinking of all the other things I could have done. If a miracle ever happened and I could make money from streaming I would STILL feel bad spending time doing it because I feel bad spending time going to work as well. One reason I’ve been fighting to keep up to date with anime is because getting behind and having to watch 3 or 4 episodes all at once then another 3 or 4 episodes of 10 other shows takes up a entire day and by the end of it I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything just that I’ve wasted the day.

What makes it worse at this point is maybe the fact that I’m in Lock down.

It is so nice outside that I get that horrible feeling I should be out there doing something. It happens whenever it is nice outside and I’ve stayed indoors the entire time but it isn’t even like I can help that right now.

I’m not allowed outside so why would that matter?

On top of that I’ve barely seen anyone.

My mum has moved in with my sister to be closer to work, I haven’t been to work so haven’t had the interaction with anyone at all and me and my cousin barely get on so all my interactions have come online which has made me crave being in those streams and hanging out on Discord all the more.

When you are starved for social interaction you’ll find it whatever way.

So this is me signing off hoping to get a hour or so more sleep after sleeping the entire day. Hopefully my favourite streamer will stream tonight so that I can chill in his stream till I need to go work and then work will go fine. The bonus of tomorrow will be that I literally won’t be able to nap until I get home after 2pm so even if I do nap it’ll be closer to my actual sleep time and maybe help me move towards where I need to be.

So the two things you need to take away from this?

First up I hate sleep.

Second up I very much wish I either lived on the West Coast of the US or that I had a favourite streamer who lived in a nicer time zone.

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