Diary #35 : Another update + A proper end to the Anxiety Experiment

So I’ve been a bit of a bad but I’m trying to sort that out.

You might think I’ve put streaming before the website but that isn’t really true. I mean yeah I have been streaming a whole bunch when I might of wanted to be writing but there is a reason.

I’m going to go into that in a minute but because it is now a big part of my week and we are now kind of pretend trying to get to 50 followers just to see if we can I’ll put the link not only to our Twitch page but now our brand spanking new Discord server right here.

Twitch : https://www.twitch.tv/awerka89

Discord : https://discord.gg/yTTvzw

The update part of this is that I have notes, first drafts and all sorts of EVERYTHING (nearly) that needs to be updated. I just need to sit down and write it all out. Pet has been delayed because I didn’t realise that I had totally forgotten to get the week before lasts review out, I don’t think it was even written. Everything else will be out ASAP.

Doctor Who and Inside No. 9 I’m only just getting up to date with so I’ve been avoiding Amanda’s reviews to avoid spoilers (I know a bad way of doing things but I’ve been super excited about both shows but had no time to watch them) they will 100% be out TODAY.

This weeks stuff I will hopefully get working on tomorrow and the weekend.

I will try and balance streaming and writing much better going forward, with new hours at work which will hopefully make me a little more motivated that shouldn’t be too hard, I’ll have a proper schedule a week in advance for streaming too which I’ll post in Discord. If not this month next month I’m hoping to have emotes on Discord too.

Below is a reason why I’ve been streaming more but please feel free to follow us and join us on the Discord. It isn’t just about streaming and gaming we have channels for all sorts so we’d like you to join in and hang out with us.

So why have I been streaming more?

The streaming started as a experiment to see if it would help with my anxiety. Not even just the social part of it but I don’t play games as much as I want to anymore because I get anxious about the amount of time I spend playing them. As anyone back when I started knows they never took any of my writing time up heck I barely did it and when I did it was because I had nothing better to do.

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a break down.

In fact this year so far has been a bit of a break down for me. Mentally I’ve just got tired of a lot of things in life. Being kind of stuck does that to you.

That being said out of the blue a stranger was there to help me on one of my worst days. Without knowing anything about me he asked the vital questions that I never want to really listen to.

Who cares being the main one.

I talked about the things I did, the things I enjoyed doing. I mentioned this place, I mentioned the streaming. He asked why I didn’t stream anymore and I told him because it wasn’t that important, he asked if I was having fun and I said yes and he asked why I never told anyone about it and I just couldn’t answer.

Truth is I was anxious about anyone ever watching me play a game.

I hate my voice so I didn’t want people to hear me, I know I can be bad at games and whilst I enjoy watching people even when they are bad at games I always feel like people would just be mean to me and I’d get upset. I don’t play MMOs and things like that because I’m afraid someone will see me do something and criticize me for it.

This obviously leads to me overthinking and just not wanting to do things.

He basically told me what was the point in not trying?

Sure I probably will never be a big streamer I might never even make affiliate. No one might ever watch my streams or give two shits. Who cares though?

With that mind set I went to stream maybe the day after, I actually told friends and Tweeted it out and got viewers who hung out and talked. I started getting followers off my own back and my friends and people in the YouTube/Streaming community I’m in started to follow. Now I have people who show up whenever they can, my chat tends to be buzzing for the most part and we’re already at 18 followers.

Sure this might be the most we ever get, we might not go much further but I enjoy it.

Thing is I go into everything with a negative attitude.

I can’t do this, no one will care, I won’t be able to make affiliate, I’ll never be able to do anything I want. In actual fact I should be setting myself goals without trying to force it. I don’t really care if I do or don’t make affiliate, it would be nice if we did but I’m not doing this to make a job of it. So why not go into it with some effort and hope for the best?

Now why this has taken over a little in my life isn’t because of that.

I’m still super depressed right now and focusing on things is super hard. I’m doing my best when I can but that takes a lot out of me. Working 5 days a week just makes me sad and I wake up too early because the only joy I get in life right now is watching my favorite streamer who just so happens to be West Coast US meaning he streams from about 2am my time.

Of course this leads to more depression because I have to leave the happiness I get from that to go to work which is what is depressing me. Not so much the job but that mental tiredness I get from having to be in there for 5 days for only 4 hours each day.

That is changing, I asked for it to be changed and in some ways it is. So that might not be such a big problem going forward.

Up until now though it has been and whilst before I started to stream I would force myself to write now that I enjoy streaming and it gives me a mood boost I find it easier to shrug off my writing to do something I know I’m going to enjoy. I don’t feel anxious about speaking, playing in front of people I don’t know and even my internet hating me or Streamlabs crashing or that one time Dragon Age crashed don’t upset me.

If I don’t stream I probably won’t do anything, I wouldn’t even be doing the anime. Streaming at least gives me a chance to do something productive even if I still feel super guilty after streaming for 8 hours that I haven’t done anything else.

With my new rota in place and hopefully more free time I’m hoping beyond hope that going forward I can balance everything a little better.

One can hope!

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