Diary #35 : What Makes me so Happy Makes me so Sad.

I guess a warning. Another random rant about how messed up my head is.

Coping mechanisms.

Everyone has them, things that make life just that little more bearable every day. With my depression these things, no matter how weird they might sound, are a must as I wake up every day in a constant battle with myself but couple it with my personality and it can be dangerous.

I’m obsessive by nature.

What that basically means is that when I get into something I get into it hard, I’m one of those people who will lose themselves to that thing and it’ll be my entire world for as long as it is THE thing in my life.

Wrestling, Cultaholic videos, certain video games, TV Shows, actors etc…

I’ve used them all as a means to numb the pain I’m in constantly through the day, boring people to death by talking about them constantly just because it is the only thing that makes me happy. What then happens though when my brain wakes up and realises that I’m cheating the system? What happens when something inside me clicks and instead of using these things as a coping tool my brain decides it wants to make me even sadder by turning me into some psycho?

That happens.

It doesn’t really happen that often though. My brain can’t turn wrestling or a video game into something that will upset me, usually I just get anxious about how much time I’m spending either watching or playing something.

Similarly for some reason it doesn’t really do much when it comes to individuals such as actors. When I’ve been obsessive over Domnhall Gleeson for example I just get bored of it as a mechanism faster because there are only so many films I own of his and can re-watch before the help that they give me stops. I don’t so much get obsessed with that person as much as their actual acting.

So what am I talking about?

Unfortunately the number 1 coping mechanism I’ve found is Twitch streamers and YouTubers.

In that kind of medium you have a never ending resource of entertainment. When I’m super depressed I can’t sleep without putting a Streamer on, listening to them stops me from listening to my own head and I can calm myself. I don’t get bored because some of them have hundreds of videos up out there, others have hundreds of hours of game play and some even have daily uploads.

Again a group like Cultaholic doesn’t really fall into this because I like the team as a whole so for some reason my brain doesn’t find a reason to be upset.

It is when it comes down to individuals that my brain goes pretty crazy and that is what has happened the last few weeks.

Lets just get this out there. I’m a very lonely person and that is most of my problems. The reason I’m usually upset is that I’m alone and I don’t see a way out of that. I don’t have friends or people to do things with which is why I tend to not take holiday because I end up in the state I’m in currently which is upset and sending myself crazy over something I don’t care about because I’m not at work keeping my mind busy. Nothing I do helps me with people either, I’m not really a social person and have no skills to help me in that department so even when I put myself out there to try and meet people it never works.

So when like a hell of a lot of people I fill the void in my life that stops me being happy with Streamers and YouTubers I’m also trying to fill a void in my life of people.

Which is dangerous for me.

What situation I’ve found myself in is one in which I’ve become obsessed with a real person, not in a creepy stalker way just in the I must consume their content way, to the point that my brain just can’t cope anymore. It needs to be upset about something. I have no friends, I’ve barely left the house since my holiday started, this week has gone so fast I only have like 4 days left of holiday before I’m in work for 5 days straight. I haven’t done everything I wanted to. I have barely played the games I want to. There are so many things that I’m anxious, upset and moody about.

So my brain has told me I need to become obsessed with whether this one guy is dating someone and in the void of knowledge there left by the fact that 1. I don’t care and 2. it isn’t our business so it isn’t like he’ll tell us (or he would if asked but like everyone else it doesn’t matter to me and I don’t care) means that my brain can make me obsessively obsessed over something that has nothing to do with anything.

That makes no sense you say?

You must care a little to be upset you tell me?

No. No I don’t.

I might sound it quite often but I am not a deluded person. I have no dreams of grandeur, I have no talents and am destined to work in a supermarket my entire life wasting my life away lonely and depressed. I don’t think some random Content Creator will notice me, whisk me off my feet and I’ll get a dream like life. I watch his content along with a bunch of other people’s content because it makes me happy. It numbs me when I’m depressed about real issues in my life like being lonely, feeling useless at work or feeling over worked. Their sense of humour matches mine, their videos make me concentrate and I’m genuinely happy when I’m watching and after I’ve watched the things they’ve made.

Sure there is a part of me that see’s how close ALL these people are to their fanbase and wants to squeeze myself in and like anyone with no life it would be nice to be noticed at some points which I have been, like my very first comment in one of their streams one of the other ones started talking to me. I’m not saying it like boy would it be nice if they just noticed me I’m just saying you interact because you hope to be interacted back with and oh have I tried to be interactive in this community as much as I can be.

That still isn’t me living in a dream world that is just a lonely person reaching out to a community that they want to join.

So how did it come to be me finding this entire group to me focusing on one of the people in that group to me sitting here constantly driving myself insane about this one person who doesn’t really affect my day to day life other then making content I watch when I’m bored or upset?

Who the heck knows! I can’t even tell you a timeline. I found these people as recommendations to follow on Twitter after giving up Wrestling as a thing I enjoy (because I wasn’t enjoying it) and because the two I first found seemed cute (personality wise) I started watching their videos and streams. I didn’t even obsessively watch them either so how it came to be like this I don’t know.

I do know that this whole “is he dating” thing started when he disappeared for a little bit and came back and the first time I found myself thinking it I just laughed and was like what the heck brain?

Now though I read into everything, I check his Twitter page every day to see if I can find clues and when I find myself doing these things out of some kind of sick habit now I honestly want to die.

That isn’t a exaggeration either it has actually played into a very difficult year that I’ve had where I’ve had to once again battle my suicidal thoughts.

Why it has become such a big thing is not because I care but because I know I don’t. I know there is a void in my life and I’m sad about that, I’m sad when I’m not included in things with people I thought cared about me and I still feel like I’m all alone even when I’m in a room full of people. My life is massively going in a direction I feel I can’t control and I wake up anxious about it and go to sleep anxious about it.

That is such a HUGE thing though and how do you put that into words? I’m upset because life? Everyone is upset because of life.

So my brain has given me a easier thing to be upset about. Cute YouTuber might be dating someone, changes his routines, disappears for ages. You be upset about that because now you are back to square one. You are upset because you have a crush on someone and you know nothing will ever happen.

Maybe that has a bit to do with it but that isn’t enough to upset me. I have a crush on lots of people. I have a crush on cartoon characters. I literally am one of those people who can have a crush on someone just because they are cute.

So my brain makes it even easier then that. It argues with itself. I fall back on habits that I picked up during THAT period of my life that I’ve just shaken off and transferred them to this guy and now my brain gets to go to war. You have crush and are sad so I make you sadder by making you psychopathic about someone you don’t know. The little part of me in my brain that is me and not a angry voice that wants to upset me then sits there asking what the heck are you on about I’m not sad about that and I don’t want to be obsessive over that just go the fuck away.

So I watch more and more of not just his but everyone’s content to keep myself happy.

On a day to day basis I’ll sit and watch the Cultaholic news videos on repeat even though they have little importance after the day they were created but I watch them because especially now with Tom Campbell in them they help center me and make me laugh. I’ll watch streamers VODs on YouTube or Twitch and then come about 8pm, because all of the streamers I tend to watch are American, I’ll have someone on my laptop as I try and relax before going to sleep.

Now though it has got to the point where I want to watch one certain persons work more then anyone else’s because I guess it is the content I enjoy the most. If I’m watching someone else’s VOD I’ll sit there and remember something funny about something in his and want to go and watch it instead. I can’t settle during the day because I want to watch something he’s made and I don’t need people to come in here and tell me “well just don’t” because I don’t. As you can see I’ve been pretty good with things like anime and TV shows recently, I’ve caught up with AEW which isn’t a small chunk of my day, I’ve even played a good amount of all the games I’ve brought and been obsessively (in a different way) catching up with BrutalMoose’s Shenmue VODs so I can happily live my Shenmue life through him as I haven’t got the money to buy Shenmue 3 till next week and by the time I have the money I’m at work nearly all the time up until Christmas.

I know the way to stop is to stop caring about his content and putting a wall between me and what is upsetting me. I am doing that, this is as always just a outlet to put into words something that I haven’t been able to talk about.

Thing is I also don’t want to.

This community has made me happy, this content creator has got me through a really hard part of my life where I was finally able to put the last big crisis to bed. I’m not obsessive enough that he is all I watch but I do pick him up on my worst days. He’s a great person too and I love his community.

I don’t want the illogical and destructive voice in the back of my head to win.

Sadly I’m aware that somewhere in this blog I lost the thread of what I was saying once more and started to ramble but I think that is my biggest thing.

He along with a whole bunch of other content creators whether connected to him or not became part of my coping mechanisms and by and large have helped me have a very positive year so far. Their communities as well as what they are creating have helped me through the tough times and helped me feel more creative myself.

So why then because my brain doesn’t want to play fair do I have to give that up so that my brain can what? Stop making me upset at myself? I’ll just be over here waiting for the very next thing to be upset about.

Baring in mind I have to be up super early in the morning anyway because of work (and I didn’t want to get out of the habit on holiday) he has helped me get up early because he streams late at night for him which is early morning for me, he has helped put me in a good mood before work. His videos have been in the background when I’ve been working hard on many things I had to do this year and his community has been super welcoming to me when I’ve tried to integrate into them.

Again it comes down to just beating those habits.

Instead of letting them consume you just break them.

That is harder then it seems though.

I dunno I’ve been trying to write two other Diaries all week and it hasn’t been going well because of this so I thought maybe ranting about it on here would help. It is something that I know for sure other people suffer from and it sucks.

Why can’t I just like something without my brain having to ruin it?!

3 thoughts on “Diary #35 : What Makes me so Happy Makes me so Sad.”

  1. I get what you mean!

    Your head tells you “be sad about this” so you start to be upset but the real upsetting thing is that you know that you aren’t upset about that and it isn’t important to you BUT arguing with yourself is tiring so it is either give up and let the voices take over or keep fighting and see the day fly past you whilst you can’t concentrate because taking your mind away from fighting the voices means they’ll win and stop you being productive anyway.

    Whilst thankfully I don’t have a obsessive personality and I also have a social circle I can turn to I would like you to know now that you’ve been able to put what has been upsetting you all week into words that you aren’t alone and it isn’t just a depression thing. Your depression makes it worse and your personality mixed with depression and anxiety makes everything worse but you aren’t alone.

    I agree totally though that you can’t let it win! I know how productive and happy you’ve been it is all about beating these habits and we’re all here to help you beat them. No one should give up things they enjoy because their depression wants them to stop enjoying it.

    Plus I still think at the heart of this it is because you are on holiday and you kind of need work to ground you and keep you from driving yourself crazy. Next week you’ll be laughing about this!

    Love you xxxxxx

    1. You explain it better then I ever could, you should have just wrote this for me!

      That is the thing I don’t care and it is driving me insane that I’ve suddenly started to care but I know I don’t care and my head is just telling me to care so that I have something concrete to say I’m upset about. Thing is I don’t care. I don’t really know what is wrong with me today I’m just weepy as hell and can’t concentrate, I’ve already attempted to play both Castle of Illusions and Pokemon and sat to watch the end of a Shenmue stream that I fell asleep watching last night but even with my head empty I just feel this overwhelming need to cry for no reason.

      It is a lot down to working. Honestly some of the shit my brain gets up to at the moment I can’t do because at that point I’m busy at work. I really can’t wait to go back and just drown myself in that, I’m also usually too tired to care when I get home.

      1. Well that is only because that is how you described it to me in Discord the other day!

        You got this though. I said it then and I’ll say it again now you aren’t going crazy you just over think and negative things just weigh heavier on you. You’ve always had problems with time anxiety (don’t know if that is a thing but I’m making it a thing) and that has always played a big part in your depression and struggling to do things. Just take a step back, relax a bit and don’t worry so much.

        This time next week you’ll just be angry at a whole load of other things.

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