So you might have noticed we did really well for a couple weeks and then last week everything just went to pot.
As always there is a reason and hopefully as this week rolls on it’ll stop being a reason that everything is held up and just disappear from my life for good. That reason is pain and I’ll explain a little about it below.
Why it deserves its own diary blog and not just a update is that it really hit home how just a little bit of physical pain on top of the emotional pain can really damage you for a long period of time. I mean physical pain will stop anyone in their tracks but after being so motivated and working so hard to just have a brick wall dropped in front of you that you can’t just ignore and try to work around was something I did not need.
So my pain came from my teeth.
Again this is another reason it needs to be in a mental health blog.
When I was severely depressed in my younger life my teeth were the first thing to be ignored. I had a bad experience at the dentist and no adult in my life tried to force me to go even though I was terrified so I dropped off of the NHS list and into oblivion. In my mid-20s or just a little before I started taking care of my teeth fully knowing that it would probably be too late and I should expect to lose a few in my 30s if not before and when I hit 29 that started to become a reality when I slowly started to have teeth break on me.
So far it has only been 3.
One has fallen out naturally and doesn’t seem to be too much trouble. It never hurt or anything like that so the damage was mainly emotional as I lost a tooth. Then a few weeks later (this happened before my holiday and we’re now a month after my holiday) one of the other broken ones started to hurt so badly. This was last Tuesday and at first I thought maybe it’ll just go away but as the week went on I was literally popping painkillers like candy trying to hide the pain as much as I could just to get up in the morning and go to work.
All this meant was by the time I got home I had been in so much pain and had to put a brave face on for so long that when I got home I was a wreck.
Every day I wanted to come home and be as productive as I had been leading up to that week but I would come home and just crash. I wanted to cry, I wanted to curl up in a ball and watch my favourite YouTubers who always make me laugh so that I could block out the world and just pretend that life wasn’t happening anymore.
So that is pretty much what I did.
Through the pain I was able to post a few little things here and there but mostly I just wanted to lie around and cry.
When I finally got a emergency appointment on Friday I thought that was it. I’d have the tooth out and after a day I should be fine.
How wrong was I?
I’ve had one tooth removed before when I was a teenager, the reason why I’m so terrified of Dentists in the first place and it was a horrific experience. When I told this dentist about the experience he even called it unethical and to be honest this dentist was one of the nicest men I’ve ever met, him and the nurse both did their best to guide me through the procedure and make me feel comfortable even when I was in serious amounts of pain.
So it was horrifying, it was painful and I ended up waiting in the rain for my sister to pick me up crying on the side of a road because oh my goodness did that hurt.
It is Monday right now and even taking pain killers won’t let this little numb pain go away but that is alright.
This weekend has been hell. I’ve been at work and again there is just no outlet there to cry or give yourself a moment to let in to the pain. Not only that but both days I ended up feeling bad for leaving when I did, they needed help and I could have helped and I could have got myself more money which is again one of my biggest mental problems this year is worrying about money but I couldn’t because I physically couldn’t stand just being alive at that point. No pain killer would shift that agony I was in and it was affecting more then just my mouth.
Seeing my mouth hurt the entire right side of my face hurt, then I had a headache because I was in pain and then it traveled down to my left side with all my nerve damage and the rest of it.
Right now I can see that the pain I’m in is probably the holes left behind being filled, it isn’t so much pain as a odd feeling that because it is foreign comes over as painful when all it is is my body healing itself. I can stand this pain but even this small amount totally saps any motivation I have.
I woke up super early and because my mouth felt like this I just shrugged and lay there in silence, I didn’t put anything on my laptop or do anything with my morning finally deciding at 10am to get out of bed. Even then I felt like I just couldn’t be bothered with my day in general which sucks seeing it is my only day off other then Sunday, I’m working the next 5 days so it would have been nice to have had a early start, finished all the anime I found myself behind with and maybe get a chance to stream for the first time in over a week this afternoon.
There is just no get up and go in me at this point.
As I’ve been so unmotivated all week because of the pain and because of the weekend which just drained me physically I just woke up this morning and kind of wished I could just lie in bed all day and do nothing.
Which then mentally destroyed me.
Instead of getting up and getting dressed I lay there, instead of thinking of having a drink of water or some of my fruit stuff in the fridge I just lay there. All I could think of was I’m behind on this, I’m behind on that, I haven’t streamed I haven’t done that instead of making a plan for getting up and doing it.
What I guess I’m forgetting is that the pain I’ve been in stops perfectly mentally healthy people in their tracks.
Everyone at work could understand the pain I was in and didn’t mind me leaving early or taking more break time because everyone knows how bad tooth ache and losing a tooth can be. When I’m mentally tired and having a bad mental health day not everyone can understand what I’m going through but everyone knows how bad this is so they’ve been understanding and I’ve heard about how the strongest people I know have broke down crying on the phone to get appointments or just didn’t do anything but lie around because of the pain they are in.
Mentally though I can’t help but think how wrong I was for not working through the pain and getting on with reviews and stuff.
Thing is I’m not giving myself credit because I did work through it. I couldn’t be creative no, I don’t think my mouth would have allowed me to speak for long periods of time to stream a game but I went to work every day and when I say I left early I mean I left 10 minutes earlier then usual and not a hour or two. One day I even stayed a hour or so later so that I could help even through all the pain, but I forget that day and I don’t give myself credit for actually going to my paying job and working with a smile on my face through this pain.
That is a real problem I think we all have.
As we tend to fall victim to a mental pain more often then not when we are in physical pain we demand the same kind of mental strength of ourselves that we show in our daily battle against our mental health problems and fail to see it is very human to fail to get over a physical pain. We fight every day that we forget that adding more pain on top of the pain we’re in is going to be so much more tiring.
Whilst I could get up and go to work, put a smile on and slowly make my way through the work load that I do every day for money I couldn’t come home and use my brain in a creative way because all of my fighting strength had been used up and that….
That is OK.
Where I am losing the fight is that I’m letting last week dictate this week before this week has even begun.
My real fight wasn’t lost last week when I was in so much pain I prioritized my day to day job for my online hobby job it’ll be this week when I look at last week and give up. Whilst I’m still in pain I still worked through it and I still am, I got reviews out, OK not as many as I wanted but enough and I still was seen as being overly helpful at work.
Sometimes we need to remember that whether it is mental or physical pain it is just too much and self care is important.
Me sitting around watching YouTubers, Domhnall Gleeson movies and buying a take away last night were things I NEEDED to do to keep me going through a tough week, that week hasn’t ended, I’m still in a little pain, but now the fight to get back to where I was is on and I need to look at it in a more positive light. Sure I might not be doing all the things I want to and things might still be a little behind but I need to look at it as doing a little bit every day and not panic and think I need to get up to date right here and now.
People understand physical pain more then emotional pain so I need to stop worrying that people will see it as a excuse and use last weeks failure to motivate me more to build up to something better.