The Anxiety Experiment #1 : Bear With Me (quite literally) Episode 1

So I wrote that I was going to stream mainly to force myself to have to stream and well… It worked.

Here it is archived forever on YouTube for you lovely people to watch if you have a spare nearly two hours!


So with any experiment there needs to be more then just proof that this thing happened and there needs to be a point to all of this so the wordy stuff that I SAID at the end of the stream was going to be better done on here and won’t be is underneath!

So first up a proper look at what The Anxiety Experiment is going to be.

As I’ve said in the past I have trouble meeting people, I have trouble talking to people and I have trouble just enjoying my life in general. I love playing video games and always have but as my anxiety has grown I find myself feeling guilty spending lots of time playing them so I tend to waste my time doing other things.

I mean isn’t that just adulting in general right?

So many people have said that I enjoy gaming so much I should just go out and play them on Twitch. I don’t want followers and I don’t want to make a living off of it but even if I just end up talking to myself it is getting over that fear or talking in general.

With a fresh wave of bravery somehow hitting me I decided yeah now I’ll do it and at the beginning of this month went out and got myself a new shiny microphone to stream with. Why? Because if I spent money on doing it I’ll have to do it else I’ll have wasted money and if there is one thing I hate more then wasting my time (even if I’m not really) it is wasting money.

These blogs work two ways.

One you get a ridiculous lets play by a total moron who is incapable of playing games.

Secondly you’ll see whether or not talking to yourself on a streaming service helps people who are incapable of actually talking.

What we learnt from Episode 1?

Nothing we didn’t already know but we got to experience it first hand.

I always hear streamers say that it is that pressing Go Live button that is the hardest part of streaming (not including day to day running I just mean anxiety wise) and I really found that. Just before I posted Diary #33.1 I literally went live for 2 minutes panicked and switched back off. In tears I sat there on my own thinking of what I should do because my only real friend was at work so I had no one to talk to.

After a little bit I calmed myself down and decided to post that I was going to do it. I wrote down what I wanted to say as a introduction, pressed publish on the blog and…

Sat there staring at the button for so long trying to make myself do it.

Thing is not only is the first coming online thing hard but I just don’t really know what I’m doing. I don’t have a stream set up, I was streaming from my laptop, I had no way to really see if the stream was working or if people could hear me as I don’t have a second screen to double check and had my phone on for chat so that I could keep a eye on whether or not people came in.

So there I was panicking like mad what if the stream is just a black screen? What if the mic doesn’t work? What if what if what if….

When I finally just did it though it kind of just got easy.

You see I’m kind of a dork at times and I talk to myself when playing games all the time. Like I run a commentary on most of my life for my pets to hear (and boy was it hard not to turn to the side and start talking to Scooby who was in the hallway glaring at me) so I knew when I calmed down even if I was quiet for a long period of time I would end up saying something just naturally.

I think you can kind of see that happening in the video, or I hope you can anyway.

Thing is I don’t really know how to start these things off so having something written down was really helpful and then after a while I was just focused on playing the game. I nearly missed the fact someone had actually messaged me in the chat room.

Yes that is right my first stream I got a lovely chatter called Sanka_tankist in my chat, unfortunately he was from Belarus and had trouble understanding what I was saying, there is a part where he started to send me stuff in Russian so I went off to Google Translate to see what he was saying which is why I stopped for so long and you can hear clicking (my mic is very close to my mouse I apologise) but I never expected someone in my chat room on the first stream!

So there you have it!

I’ll probably stream again on Monday after I finish work and will upload the stream and have it on here as soon as possible.

If you want to watch then you can find me here and I also didn’t bother to make a new YouTube so it is just under my actual YouTube account which you can get to if you click on the video.

Exciting stuff that I did one thing I promised to do right?!

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