Diary #32 : We are trying. Trying…

As I write this I’m on the second week of a holiday that was long overdue. I didn’t go away and haven’t even done much other then finally get some reviews sorted, watched TV and YouTube.

I also write this as my arm starts to ache once more for no reason seeing I’ve barely done anything all day.

One of our biggest quirks when it comes to our writing is that it is always long overdue and been sat in our drafts for way too long. I keep saying I’ll get better at sorting things and have a rare week or two where I can then it all turns to the same old habits once more. So here is a little look into why I’m so terrible.

There are no real excuses, things that I suffer others do as well but I guess it is my final attempt at having a reason on here for why I suck at just about everything.

First up I think I need to explain one thing.

I don’t work all that much whilst working quite a lot. This last year, as you all know, I turned 30 and I had a lot of goals and a very positive attitude to this year. Last year I had started a mental health journal which had helped me a whole bunch and I had started a new one and even got a fancier looking notebook to write it in. Things went well until in April my hours significantly dropped at work.

Having less time at work meant I had more time at home to do stuff right?

Sure it did problem was that I was hoping to get a decent amount of overtime over the year to save up for driving lessons, save for a deposit to move out and save some more on the side of that to get a proper computer and a car. I wanted the ability to get a delivery driver on the side so that I could earn a little more money and finally after 30 years of not living to my best potential actually doing something with my life.

Unfortunately I don’t have the safety net of living at home and having to pay peanuts to do so, so when my hours went down my ability to save and my ability to spend it on things that I wanted or needed was slashed and I spent most of my time at home depressed and anxious about what I would do. When that happens it is hard for me to get out of the self hate and worried state and refocus and every time I did refocus something else happened.

Due to my nerve damage I’ve found myself doing short hours over a greater number of days at work as well which means that more often then not I’m always looking at the time counting down to when I have to go bed to be up the next day which again just adds to the unmotivated state I end up in. I get home mentally drained, I stare at the clock worried that I’m not doing anything and never get anything done. So the longer this went on this year the more and more people like Amanda wanted me to start doing something that would motivate me again. I started making plans for all sorts of things and nothing ever came about any of it.

Thing is I’ve always wanted to be a writer, I’ve never really had a clue what I wanted to write but I’ve always enjoyed sharing things through writing. I can’t speak so I couldn’t do videos so writing has always been something that was joyous for me to do, well that was until it wasn’t that fun anymore.

Unfortunately for a long while creatively I just haven’t had the strength to do these things and whilst I love doing it and I love sharing the things I write more often then not I start to write and get tired out. When it comes to reviewing things I end up spending too long feeling too tired to do anything and then realising time is getting away from me and not doing anything instead of actually being productive with my time.

This has only gotten worse through the years.

To a point a lot of it is due to my depression, it ebbs and flows as does anyone’s. When once writing was something that helped me numb my pain it has gotten harder to do the older I get. I still love it as you might have noticed in this post so far seeing I keep saying it but it is starting to write and the time it takes that have started to take its toll.

It isn’t even that I do other things with my life that mean I can’t get on a laptop and just start writing.

No actually I spend my entire life not when not at work usually staring at the home page trying to motivate myself, I lose a whole bunch of time then get upset how long I’ve been sat there blanked out not doing anything and end up going back to one of the many things I do when my depression has gotten too much.

Thing is I’ve always got a mountain of work to do on here for two reasons.

One : Because when I go to work I get mentally drained so get home and don’t do anything instead of just keeping up to date and having less work to do over the week.

Two : I have really good ideas, start them, leave them in drafts then lose the motivation and the ability to think of what it was I had started to do in the first place.

You’d think knowing the problems that you could figure out a solution and that is what we’ve tried to do the problem is finding a solution that I’ll stick to and won’t go AWOL for ages and then just not do anything. Which I think I have kind of found but it is easy to say that from the position of having two weeks off where I can say “yeah if I do this then I should be fine” when in actual fact when I go back to work I have no idea where my head will be.

So what is my plan at the moment?

Well as silly as it sounds it’ll be to plan my days out and try and keep to that plan. It sounds silly but there is more to it then that.

When I say plan I plan on actually having a hour by hour schedule to my day to try and work by. I’m usually home by 12pm and the latest I tend to work is 4pm so I can easily start plans utilizing my time from 12pm on wards with a hour by hour break down of what I have to do.

Not only that but I’ve spent a lot of this year stopping drinking/eating things that I feel make me feel worse. I haven’t had a energy drink since April and I used to live on them, I haven’t eaten any sweets or chocolate in over a month now. My biggest problem though is when I’m not being proactive with my day I become seriously hungry so hopefully not only will having a schedule and things that need to be done by that deadline will stop my head from feeling bored and needing food when it really doesn’t.

Along with that drinking more water is a priority.

I used to never drink much during the day other then a can or three of Monster/Relentless/Rockstar and the occasional coke or glass of squash. When I get paid I’m going to get myself my last attempt bottle that I’m just going to fill with water and keep on me all day long in the hopes that I will drink from it when I’m “hungry” and hydrate myself instead of doing nothing.

The focus is on focusing myself but also trying to bring my mental health to a healthy level that I can stay focused and motivated for longer periods of time.

Not only that but next month I’m buying a microphone for my laptop to start streaming me playing games once or twice a month. This has been something I’ve wanted to do for a while since it started showing up in a lot of depression/anxiety discussions as a way for gamers with anxiety who struggle to talk to people and lack social interaction as a way to get more confident. I don’t expect to ever really have anyone watching me and it’ll take a long time before I actually see any progress in my ability to talk but it’ll also mean that I can download the VODS and stick them on YouTube and have some sort of gaming content coming out again on here even if it is terrible.

I don’t know if it will help or not but seeing I have very few friends, no real hobbies and no mental strength to go out and try and find people to spend time with or interact with at least it lets me play to one of my strengths and try and socialise a little bit doing something I like doing. It is also going to help a lot with our Halloween stuff because I’m gonna play a lot of horror games and show how much of a wuss I am when it comes to playing them.

Going into next year I’m going to get a daily planner and work to it, I’m thinking of getting a white board to with task on it so that I have something visual to look at every day.

With this you’ll all see whether it works or not when I either go back to never posting anything or I actually get on some sort of schedule.

We hope to get the weekly questions going again, I’m hoping to keep game reviews and start film reviews. I hope to just get some interesting stuff out like the look at females in history, literature and modern times thing that I actually am really interested in writing but keep getting put off when writing the first blog on it. Kind of really want to bring back my playlist blogs and maybe even do the old “this week in WoW” blogs as well as maybe starting them up for games like Terraria which I’ve been playing recently.

We’ll see.

As always we also want to know what other people want to see from us. We know we’re well over due to do up the page as well and make it look a lot better but we’re interested in hearing what it is that other people want to see on here.

I guess this blog kind of went from me explaining where I am mentally to me trying to show the productive ways I’m trying to move forward because that is kind of my life right now. I got from being depressed to being motivated and end up rambling through my life like this. We’ll see how it goes.

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