It is pretty difficult to think about your past self. I literally tried to think of who I was and what I remember about who I was just 10 or 5 years ago and it was hard to figure out what I was even doing back then let alone how I remember it.
As I’m happier now then I was back then and actually working to making memories that last it might be easier to remember myself now in the future. So what will I think about myself?
I’d like to think that I was proud of myself, if not proud that I at least see it as the turning point in my life.
I turn 30 in a few months time and to now I haven’t really done that much with my life but in the last year or two I’ve done a lot more with it. I’ve been out and about, I feel like I’ve made friends and I’ve done lots of things that seem pretty normal to most people a lot younger then I am. Simply though I haven’t lived until now and I hope that future me see’s that I tried so hard and maybe that trying worked out for the better?
There will be quite a bit of me being just the smallest bit disappointed in how I handled a certain situation but again I don’t know how that is going to work out in the future so maybe the pain and suffering will be seen as necessary for what comes next?
Much of what I do now is like a slow burn into my future, it is a pivotal age for me not only because it is a milestone but because it is the time that I’ve actually decided to live for myself and try and be the person I always wanted to be but was too scared to be so I’d like to think that future me will be able to see that struggle and be kind in their memories of me.
Things like my journal and this blog will probably make me cringe, I know re-reading anything that had any personal part of me in it does now from the past but I’d like to think I’ll be able to reflect on the random ramblings of how I felt when I was super stressed, depressed and anxious and see how I grew as a human from that moment forward. It won’t be easy, of course it won’t, but I’m working on it and I’d like to think that the end will be positive and future me will see that.
Then again it really depends on how long in the future.
10 years is a long time, so is 5 but next year is going to be a future me and I might still be going through the same struggle, a new one is bound to appear in the very near future to send most of what I’m going into a tail spin so it’ll be hard to figure out whether or not this time next year I wish I was still this me.
I just hope I am proud.
I am proud of past me and I hope to continue to be proud of me.