Diary #31 : My Mental Health Is…

So Amanda told me that #MyMentalHealthIs is trending on her twitter and so I tried to put a tweet together that would do it justice to be honest.

I always want to talk about Mental Illness because I feel like talking about it more and more normalises talking about it and stops it being taboo, the more people talk about it like it is something that isn’t made up or isn’t just people being dramatic the easier it is for people suffering to reach out and get help.

Honestly though I ramble so I had to write a little more about it then what I could fit into a tweet….

I’ve talked at length about how my Mental Health affects me on a day to day basis. It is a vicious circle that most of the time I just can’t break. It is something I wake up to fight every day and more often then not unfortunately it beats me, I can’t run from it or even cure it I just have to keep fighting it.

It makes little to no sense either. I get paranoid about things that seem strange to others, I get overly upset by things that don’t have any effect on my life, I am irrational, moody, easy to upset or anger and whilst being reserved in many ways am so emotional I’m surprised anyone even gives me the time of day sometimes.

Every day I try to smile through the pain, try to make the world a better place for the people around me because I don’t want to think anyone suffers the same way I suffer. It is hard though putting on a character every day, it is tiring but it is how I have to live my life if I want a life at all.

Most days I fail. If I’m not working first thing in the morning then my depression keeps me in bed, my anxiety makes me cry because I know I’m wasting my day which feeds into my depression keeping me in bed. When I do get up I’m unmotivated and if I can’t break out of that unmotivated state then I sit for hours staring at nothing, doing nothing just watching time move along. The moments I do get motivated I worry about how long I spend doing something, if I’m annoying someone I’m spending time with, whether I’ll have time for 100 other things that I should be doing… You honestly can’t win.

Things I find pleasure from I panic I’m wasting my life doing.

My hobbies become torture, I can’t lose myself in a book because who spends hours reading a book? I get anxious about how long I spend playing video games so that I don’t enjoy them as much as I should. Doing anything doesn’t bring me happiness most of the time all I do is sit there worrying I’m wasting my life whilst wasting my life not doing anything that makes me happy.

As for friends it isolates me more then anything.

I struggle to deal with people because mentally I can’t spend too long around other people without getting tired. Trying to be happy, trying not to ramble, trying to make small talk is all so exhausting but when I get tired I get anxious and when I get anxious I talk nonsense and when I talk nonsense I go down a rabbit hole I can’t get out of. I’m overly sarcastic, I trip over my words and then I over analyse everything.

Some people I’m too nervous to even talk to, a feeling that I want to be their friend just fills me with so much anxiety that starting a conversation with them is like a war against every part of myself possible. Then when I open up I fail miserably and end up in a hole again that I can’t dig out of. I lose the ability to just be friends with people who I actually would get on better with then most because my ability to start, hold or even just be part of a conversation is worse the poor.

Many times I end up too terrified to try and be friends with people so I don’t.

My Mental Health is a daily war that I usually fight on my own because the world tells me that it isn’t important. I have no reason to be sad, I have no reason to be anxious and I should just be me.

The problem is because of my Mental Health none of these people know who the Me they are telling me to be is.

My Mental Illness is constantly being scared I’m not good enough, even for things that I don’t care or it isn’t important if I was.

My Mental Illness is the fear of just about everything. It holds me back from doing the simplest of things that others take for granted.

My Mental Illness is my inability to care for myself. Trust me if you hate me you couldn’t possibly hate me more then I hate myself. I could give you pointers on how to do so but you’ll never get to the point where you want me to disappear as much as I want myself to disappear.

My Mental Illness is a fight every day to do normal things like brush my teeth, wear clean clothes, feed myself or even drink something.

My Mental Illness starts from the moment I wake up and doesn’t leave me alone till I finally pass out because I have no energy to fight anymore.

My Mental Illness is waking up every day having to find a reason to allow myself to be me.

My Mental Illness has isolated me from people and made me feel like I am worthless and a burden on others so that I don’t even want to attempt to have close friends anymore because I would ruin their lives.

My battle is never ending, I have my good times and my bad times but every day I have to fight just to live to see the end of that day. People say it is in my head but it is something that never leaves you. I’ve had it since before I can remember, it has been the only constant in my life and it makes living life hard. It is like playing a game on the hardest difficulty without even knowing the controls to play.

Shit its like playing Dark Souls for the first time, blind folded with one arm tied behind your back and the sound off but some ghastly techno soundtrack taking its place that just grates at the inside of your head like nails on a chalk board.

My Mental Illness is the only constant in my life, it determines most of who I am and what I do with my life. Whilst it is the antagonist of my story sometimes it manages to make ME feel like the antagonist of its story and that is a feeling I doubt will ever go away.

Every day is a struggle to keep it a part of my life but not who I am, I try to not be defined by my illness but its a struggle.

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