Diary #29 : Depression and Depressed aren’t the same thing…

So usually these posts are inspired by something that has happened to me. I like sharing the stories and how I feel because it makes me feel better when I’m down knowing others go through what I do and I’m not alone, I’m not broken because I feel this way I just have to keep fighting.

This time I guess it is and isn’t inspired by anything.

On the one hand it is something I’ve noticed in my life and on the other it is just something that popped into my head.

Being depressed doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve been through depression and depression isn’t the same as being depressed….

Like always stick with me and it’ll make sense.

Depressed as a word just means to be unhappy. It is a stronger word then unhappy and because of the mental health illness called depression carries a lot of weight but at the end of the day everyone in the world can suffer spells of being depressed and “get over it” at some point.

Depression as a mental illness is, again, something that can affect everyone but it can also be a life long struggle that goes hand in hand with a bunch of other mental illnesses like personality disorders and high anxiety. This isn’t something that someone can “get over” and if something does help them raise out of the fog and live a more normal and less stressful, frightening life then that is the best outcome of something that plagues so many for so long and ends lives.

Why I want to point this out is because I have on more then one occasion been met with the entire “I was depressed once, but I got over it…” conversation. It sounds callous when put like that but it is a well meaning conversation people have with you to remind you that “there is light at the end of the tunnel” because at one point in their life they DID suffer and they DID get better but that is as far as their understanding goes. They want to make me feel better because they feel they have gone through something similar and can help.

Whilst their depression will have been triggered by a death in the family, a traumatic experience or even just a stressful time period in their life mine has been with me since before I can remember. It wasn’t triggered by anything, it is made worse by the fact I have severe anxiety and paranoia but there is never any reason for it. No one died in my childhood, whilst I was bullied it wasn’t as bad as some bullying and it was there BEFORE I was bullied, it has shaped who I am and the choices I have made. I was smart enough to go to Uni and follow my, at the time, dream job but I didn’t because of the anxiety of maybe having to talk in front of people. I’m friendly enough that I could have made long lasting bonds with people but I also push people away when I get worried and have no social skills whatsoever. My life could have been a lot different but the anxiety mixed with the depression told me I wasn’t worth it, that I couldn’t do it and that I just shouldn’t and because I couldn’t just shake it off and get over it, because there was no moment in time to go back to and understand or learn from or whatever, I have had to fight that voice every day since I was a child and most of the time I just can’t beat it.

I can’t remember a time I didn’t suffer and even good days I spend being sad knowing that at some point either on that day or in the future I’ll be sad for no reason.

Sad doesn’t even cover it.

I’ll wake up even after having the best day of my life just feeling empty, blank and helpless. I have to fight myself to find a reason just to get out of bed, the longer I lay there the more my contempt for myself grows to the point where it is near impossible to stay in bed without wanting to kill myself but the thought of leaving it seems pointless.

Most days I won’t eat properly, I’ll either eat nothing or eat too much both times trying to fill holes that eating never will help.

Whilst I have routine when it comes to self care if something goes wrong with me I just don’t deal with it because I’m not worth dealing with. I have two broken teeth that could have been fixed this time last year but I put it off and put it off and now they are beyond repair and I’m a year removed from when they both broke and still nowhere near even getting the motivation to phone the dentist.

Dealing with people doesn’t come easy which is weird for someone who has spent the last decade in retail. You might not be able to tell how horrible I am with people but that can also be my downfall. If I’m comfortable with you then it’ll show but if I’m not it’ll also show and some people find the weird way I act too much. You’ll either love me or hate me and sadly sometimes the people I want to love me (not in a romantic way by the way) don’t because they see this weird way I am and take it personally when in actual fact I wing every single conversation I have and there is no connection to my brain and my mouth I just talk and talk because I don’t like the silence.

I could have 100 good days and then a bad day will hit and I honestly could not tell you what being happy felt like. Those 100 days disappear and NEVER return, that feeling and those actions are deleted and any awkward moment, any terrible thing that happened to me that at the time I didn’t care about become all that is remembered. I don’t retain happy memories I just have a bank of horrible, embarrassing and nasty memories.

Most of my character traits are negative because of my mental health. I’m needy, I’m obsessive and get easily addicted to things. I don’t have a filter because I can’t think when I’m talking so I’ll just blabber by accident. I worry too much but come across as not caring at all.

I honestly get why people dislike me, I get why people can’t get over the weird behaviour and it feeds into my mental illness. It makes me more and more depressed the older I get. The more I try and better my life, make friends, go out or even do something I know I’m capable of the worse the hatred for myself gets. If the depression wasn’t there, if it didn’t feed off the anxiety then maybe things would be a little different.

I don’t need a reason to wake up depressed it just happens. It is something that will probably happen my entire life. It’ll go away for longer periods of time if I’m settled and I’m sure one day I’ll be able to keep hold of happy memories but it stops my attempts at bettering myself and living a fulfilling life in anyway.

There is nothing to get over, there is nothing that will fade in time.

Long term depression isn’t the same as being depressed over a event. Being depressed over one thing can lead to long term depression but that doesn’t mean that everyone will be able to “get over it” just because you did.

Whilst I understand you are being nice and trying to be supportive it is nicer and more supportive if you just listened, understood me and took my mood swings, craziness and inability to function with a pinch of salt.

(Of course I’m not saying all people with depression are nice people underneath, everyone no matter who they are or what circumstances they live with can be a nice person or a dick. Some people are just dicks.)

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