Diary #27 : What to do when you just don’t want to be you anymore?

It is a serious question I’ve had to try and figure out this week, as my depression hits harder then it has all year (I’ve probably said it before but I’ll back this up in a moment) I just find myself sitting there asking why I had to be me?

Why can’t I be someone else?

I’m not looking for someone to change my mind on this or make me feel better. I am a trashy person. I can admit that and I know I’m my own worst enemy, I can’t help the things I do because they come hand in hand with depression and anxiety. I can see myself doing these things but can’t stop them from happening and I’d love to stop them from happening, I know my life would be much different if I did stop myself from doing the shitty things I do but I can’t help it.

Of course there is a little bit of why can’t I not look like a troll? Why did I have to be a tomboy? Why do I like ridiculous things? Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?

Sure these have simple answers like you are what you are and you have to embrace it. You’ll find friends, you’ll find a partner you just have to be yourself.

I’ve done that and I’m a pretty shitty person so no wonder I’m not just lonely romantically but I am when it comes to people in my life too.

Some of the problems I have, usually thanks to my paranoia, just make me seem like a crazy bitch and I guess I am a crazy bitch. I feel sorry for the guy I like because I’m probably every bit the psychopath he thinks I am. I don’t do it on purpose though I just have very strange habits and I can’t shake them.

At 29 I need to just get over that my life is going to be shit and embrace it.

Now this miserable blog is not the proof of this being the toughest time I’ve had all year. For a start it is Christmas, it is the time that is so romantic and friend orientated that anyone who is lonely or depressed year long suffer more now then at any other point of the year.

I’m pretty sure I’ve overheard a snippet of conversation that proves my worst fear, I’m pretty sure soon I’m going to learn something I don’t want to learn, I’m struggling with my own feeling of being useless at work and people are playing into that and now I’m not sure if I am paranoid or if I just know how bad I am.

I hate being me. I am constantly in pain and always on my own.

Again this isn’t even the proof the proof comes from my journal.

All year I’ve been keeping a eye on my moods using a diagram thing, colour coded, so that I have a visual way of seeing that to be honest it isn’t all bad.

I can’t share it because it is covered in notes with names and dates and all sorts so obviously don’t want to share but here is what it basically tells me.

Since March…

Great days = 27
Good days = 29
Neutral days = 152
Bad days = 46
Worst days = 20

Neutral days are obviously going to be high. Most people, all people, have more meh days then anything else. The bad days do outweigh the above average day but to be fair a neutral day is still a good day because a neutral day is when I don’t do anything that makes me sad at all. I don’t stare into space, I get things done, I don’t fall on a bad habit or sit here day dreaming and upsetting myself over that guy. A neutral day is a win for me so over all my year has been pretty good.

7 of those 20 Worse days have been these last 7 days. Again I explained why they are above, I’ve over heard something, upset myself, making things up in my head to make myself sad etc, etc… So the rest of the year I’ve had 13 awful days and the fact is I’ve never had more then one in a row so up until now every once in a blue moon I had a day where I didn’t see the point in being alive anymore.

Pretty much every single one of those 46 days that were bad have been because I’ve upset myself. I can’t go into it but I know very well that every single one of those days have been because I’ve made a situation up in my head that didn’t happen. Some of them, one or two, have been because actual bad things have happened but most of the time they have been me doing something to be upset.

Every single of those 27 days I’ve been happier then I can tell you I can not remember. I know what happened on those days (I’ve made notes) but I can’t tell you why I was happy. There are OBVIOUS reasons why but looking back they don’t seem like happy days and some of them seem a million years ago. Going out drinking with people from work, bowling, photography dates, going to random places with my sister… They are all up there but I physically, especially now I’m going through a stretch of worse days, can’t picture them actually ever have happening.

As for the 29 Good days. Who knows. Most of them are ridiculous things like the guy I liked talked to me and so on. They were stupid things.

This is only rough, it might not add up I know that. The boxes were made too small so sometimes the Green and Blue look the same colour as does the Pink and Red. I’m looking to do it on a bigger scale next year with better colours and all sorts to really see what it is like over a whole year but that is basically my year.

Today I can’t remember when the last time I was happy was. The last purple mark in my calendar was Friday. Last Friday. I can’t remember when I was happy and I had one of my happiest days on Friday a week ago.

This shows two things.

One that my life isn’t as bad as I feel it feels. I hate absolutely everything about my life right now but at the same time I can see that it isn’t as bad as I think it is.

Two….

I really wish I wasn’t me.

Probably three… I am a psychopath and ruining everyone around me’s life.

The biggest thing is I can’t physically hate anyone as much as I hate myself.

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