Diary #26 : Days like today…

I’ve tried to touch on the vicious circle of poor sleep, poor waking up and depression before but seeing today was such a big day for me for really random reasons I thought I’d let everyone know about why days like today are my absolutely biggest fear.

It was holiday week this week. Unfortunately my woes with a passport meant the over Β£400 holiday I paid for was a no go and I’ve tried my best to at least do a few things this week.

I’ve been to the zoo, went out on a photography date and TRIED to catch up with a load of things that I wanted to do. Been playing a few games that I’ve had on my Steam account for absolute ever without even installing and here I am a few days away from going back to work and I’m miserable.

Not because I didn’t get to Benidorm.

Not because I’m still trying to make up my mind whether or not to go to our staff party or the wrestling on Sunday.

But because today I got out of bed at 11am.

For some that is a great lie in, something people probably hope for on their holidays specially people who usually wake up at 3am to go to work. For me it was a nightmare.

I’ve said before that if I don’t wake up at a decent time in the morning I can’t help shake the feeling that I’ve wasted my day even if I have another good 12 hours to do something in. Time tends to then go super fast so in a blink of a eye things that took a long time yesterday take less time today.

What is worse is it wasn’t even a case of me waking up late. I woke up nice and early.

Today it was the dreaded first day of my time of the month which meant I woke up in a pool of my own blood and in absolute pain. I already knew I had to go to the shops to get some stuff so got up real early for me on a non-work day (just before 7am) but whilst in the middle of getting dressed I was in so much pain I just crawled into a ball on my bed and didn’t resurface until about 11am.

Now if this had been Monday or Tuesday maybe it wouldn’t be so bad but I’m already back on countdown to go back to work, fully knowing I only have a weekend and Monday left it came at a bad time. I still managed to play a video game, watch a whole bunch of South Park, go to the shop and write a review which is more then I usually do in a day anyway but it still feels empty.

I know tomorrow I’m waking up early to spend my morning watching the WWE Australian event along with the Cultaholic live stream, that’ll be most of my day gone in a flash because it’ll be fun even if the PPV isn’t great and it’ll just be over. Then in the afternoon my family have some bad things to be doing, we’re putting one of our dogs down at 6pm so my entire day after the PPV will be going to my sisters to babysit whilst they do that. Sunday I’ll spend most of the day trying to weigh up what I want to do that evening resulting in me probably not doing either. Monday is going to be the day I hate myself for not getting washing and stuff done in time for Tuesday.

Thing is I’ve also had a few days where my life has been dictated to me by my family as well.

Instead of doing everything I wanted on Wednesday I ended up having to go to my sisters overnight to help babysit in the morning because my mum basically didn’t want to do what she’d promised my sister she’d do and I ended up having to be there to do it. I felt greasy and horrible all day because I didn’t ask to have a shower at my sisters and then ended up being there until around 6pm, getting home and just flaking out so that was two semi-wasted days. Monday was pretty decent and I had a lot of fun on Tuesday but it feels like Tuesday was yesterday and it has not felt like nearly a week since I was last at work.

It was important for today to be productive, for me to do something that I liked and for me to shake off some of the depressing thoughts and feelings I’d had the last few days.

Instead I woke up late and let myself drown in them.

I don’t think it’ll effect my sleeping too much as I didn’t really go back to sleep this morning it was more just lying around day dreaming about something that’ll never happen and then realising that I’d day dreamed the entire morning away. That at least is a positive.

What it has done is played on my mind all day just how little time I’ve got before I spend a week actually doing a bucket load of hours compared to what I usually do at work. It’ll be a heavy return back to work after a week off unless the schedule has changed and right now I’m putting too much emotional stress on myself that in no way will I be relaxed or happy when I return.

Such a bummer.

Days like today are absolutely the worst for me because whilst I might not wake up and be super productive, I think Monday was a weird one because I woke up and watched the Cultaholic live stream of Adam Pacitti in a room with a fish from the moment I woke up till 1pm but I felt good about the day even if that was what I did most of it because I felt I was doing something I KNOW for a fact I’d have missed if it wasn’t holiday. Today… Somedays I get home after a shift at 11am so I might as well have been at work.

I hate these days and I’m not sure there is much I can do to stop them.

I’m pretty good, as long as I wake up, at getting out of bed when I have something planned. Maybe the thing I need to do is get some friends that I can see more regularly on my holidays. I can’t seem to get the same kind of get up and go in me when it is just my plans that I’ve made for myself.

I really hate these days.

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