Diary #25 : Pain, Depression and no Motivation…

So I said in my Playlist that I’d write a little bit about what is going on so here is what is going on.

I had my operation back in April and since then I’ve been in a lot of pain.

Now I know that you’ll all point to long points of inactivity on here and be like “well this was BEFORE then” but this is a really important part.

Since December 2016 I’ve known something was wrong, since May 2017 I’ve known I had to have a operation and then April 2018 I had that operation. I suffer from severe depression so as you can guess leaving my job in October 2016 and then starting a new one in November of that year, a job that has a high turn over of staff and which is known for being super strict on staff being fast and efficient, I had a lot on my mind. When in December I got really ill and a giant lump appeared on my throat, I was still in my probation period at my new job, you can guess how much stress I was under emotionally.

What is the first thing you think of when you see a lump?

It took me until April to go to the doctors about it because I was so terrified of finding out what it was, over the next few months I had to have so many hospital appointments, including a MRI the day before my birthday, to get me ready for a operation. After all the appointments which I think the last was a biopsy in June or July, it took until November to get a update and a “the operation will be soon” from the surgeon at the hospital.

Within that time period April through to November I became obsessive with my feelings towards someone. Now when I say that I didn’t, no matter what anyone seems to think, do anything out of the ordinary in my life I just talked about it a lot. I needed too. I needed something to be depressed about that wasn’t me worrying I was going to die because of a lump on my throat. Personal blogs on here became about how I hated feeling the way I did about him and that was all very true, I am a ugly, short, fat gender neutral girl that at 28 (now 29) hadn’t even learnt how to drive let alone moved out of home and who now had a giant lump that was going to turn into a giant scar on my neck that was crushing on a guy way out of my league who I had no choice but to see all the time.

Add that to the fact I’m socially inapt and my normal reaction to people who aren’t extroverts trying to make friends with me made me look like a psychopath to him.

In times of clarity we did alright I think. We had blogs out at least weekly, some months were better then others but the drop in quantity, not hopefully in quality, wasn’t that huge compared to what was a fantastic 2016 for us.

So through 2017 we did alright.

Thing is Amanda and Rick have a lot going on in their lives being higher management in their jobs with families to support so they work as hard as they can (me and Amanda have been working on a series since 2016 when we can) but obviously their lives come first. Me and Luc have a lot more time on our hands being single, bog standard workers but Luc also isn’t a writer and a lot of his blogs get heavily edited. I don’t mean it in a mean way he KNOWS this. It is why a lot of our blogs sound very similar because I have to heavily re-work a lot of what he writes.

So whilst Amanda and Rick try to get blogs out and Luc has a whole bunch of things in the drafts it comes down to me having to sort things out.

So November 2017…

I feel we had a pretty decent run into 2018, I kind of knew that the operation was coming and calmed down a lot. The anxiety disappeared until I got the letter telling me when my operation was, we had a new manager at work who I got on with, I’d started going out with the people from work and whilst the feelings and stuff for that guy were still there and very prominent in my life I kinda knew why now and as I was also seeing him out of work I dunno… I just calmed down a lot. I also told him how I felt in December so it was like a weight had lifted a bit.

I got my letter in like February or early March telling me my operation was April 19th and I still stayed a little focused. The 5 Things… blog kinda died because I didn’t have the time to organise anything for it and my imagination kinda died for topics for it but other things worked out well. One of my personal goals was to at least COMPLETE (not necessarily on time) all the reviews for one show per anime season this year and so far we’re doing that, I noticed that there were a lot of shows that we’d started reviewing and then due to all of the above never finished reviewing last year so I wanted to make sure that we didn’t do that this year. Up until April I think we did OK.

Looking at posting activity on the stats page and to be fair we’ve been pretty good all year but you can see it drop off in end of March and April time.

I was hoping my sick leave would mean I could do a bunch of things but for a start my arm hurt, my neck hurt, everything hurt and when I’m hurt I’m tired and when I’m tired I stare into space more often then anything else and don’t do anything. It was also during my sick leave that the people I was going out with a lot went out a whole bunch and never invited me, once or twice I shrugged it off as just having had a operation but nearer the end of my sick leave as we went into May I just felt down about it because obviously I have no friends so that was the only time I was ever going out and I really enjoyed spending time with them.

That hasn’t got better.

Well I mean they don’t go out that often anymore together anyway so THAT part of it is nothing.

So we come to now.

Obviously our posting stats look fine because a lot of the time we won’t post then we’ll spam post over a few days.

The thing is I really suffer with a lot of problems as I’ve always said. If I’m depressed I lose motivation, if I’m tired I lose motivation and sometimes even if I have motivation my depression and being tired will stop me from doing anything that I’m wanting to do.

My depression also means I struggle so much getting up or just waking up in the mornings. Sometimes I wake up crying, like literally open my eyes and I’m already crying, and if I don’t have a reason like work or going out with someone to get my ass out of bed then I’ll just wonder what the point is. There is a small voice at the back of my head that says “you need to do this, if you get up now you can do all this” but it is drowned out by my depression just saying “what is the fucking point?!” I woke up really positive today but that just meant that I could lie around and day dream for a bit, I like day dreaming as silly as it sounds, I enjoy being able to make up stories in my head but I did it for a little too long today and ended up wasting a good two hours of my morning which kind of made me a little depressed but I decided to go to the shop and I did which made me really happy.

Winning that little victory of being able to go out, because my anxiety makes it hard to go out on my own if it isn’t to work, made me motivated enough I could write this but if I hadn’t gone out which I very nearly didn’t I more then likely wouldn’t have done anything but lie in bed depressed all day.

Right now I’m always in a lot of pain, I also wake up at 3am to go to work and I’m usually in a lot of pain by the time I get home so extremely tired.

I’ll get home and be like “right lets do this and that” but even if I turn something on and start doing what I want to do I’ll either fall asleep or be in too much pain to finish what I start. I’m constantly in pain as well, when I work I’m in more pain because obviously its lifting heavy things, sitting on a till and just generally no chill at any moment. I walk to and from work with a backpack which is pretty much at least 30-45 minutes each way depending on traffic. It is just non-stop.

When you are in pain you just feel miserable and my depression makes me tired so I’m always tired. Not only that my social anxiety plays its part and when you’ve been out in crowded places all day having to interact again you are just mentally tired.

Being off for 3 weeks in April and 2 in May meant that I ended up being paid a lot less for June and July with holiday to pay for up until this month so I’ve also been super stressed about money. All in all it has been a pretty stressful time which has then meant I’ve turned back to being obsessive about the entire crush thing in different ways.

It is just a painful experience in general and a horrible circle that I can’t really break.

So yes my motivation to do anything other then sleep and wake up for work has been at a all time low and I know I need to work on that but it takes time, especially as I need to find something that keeps my positive energy up. I’ve been really enjoying going out with my sister and some people from work and taking photographs of stuff but I don’t do it as often as I would like. I need to find something better but it is hard with work and everything else. I hope to find the motivation on my three days off to do some work but who knows if I will or not.

Overall its a poor excuse but I do try my best.

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