I have had the strangest week. I literally have hardly worked, spent most of it at my sisters and yeah… It feels weird.
So lets do this!
Mess I Made – Stand Atlantic
Drop my thoughts alone
I never had my own
‘Cause I’m lost inside
So as always one of the big things this week is me trying to sort out my own head after I got it in a mess. A lot of things have been coming to the end right now and its about this time last year Pete died so I’ve been pretty down and re-evaluating what I want and what I’m doing right now.
Its pretty hard but its also just… Shitty situations I got myself into.
I got this far on my own
Just colour me, colour me
I’m so afraid
Underneath all of the mess that I have made
Like lets face it all I ever do is mess up and have to find a way out of it. Its hard trying to be normal when you just are that fucked up and when you are fucked up its hard not to make mistakes and even harder making them right. Right now I’ve kind of distanced myself from a lot of things that I thought made me happy but actually made me very stressed.
I think my biggest mistake is mistaking my curiosity over having a life as a need to have friends and trying to distance myself from a mess of “people” that I just should never have been in the middle of to begin with.
I don’t wanna fade away, let it slip off my tongue
What’s another day awake with a twist in my lungs?
Drown in doubts alone
So I also understand it probably isn’t the best thing in the world to be thinking up all this shit on my own because at the end of the day all I’ll do is make a bigger mess but I guess we’ll get there when we get there. So yeah I spent a lot of my week with my sister trying to distance myself from all sorts and I dunno if its worked or not but its my life and my life is a mess.
Grit – All Faces Down
I honestly can’t remember why I picked this song. The lyrics don’t really say much to me and I’ve been sat here watching Hexy stream for too long to actually remember the point.
What was my point?
even if i’m out on my own
even if i’m just skin and bones
i got this, i know it, i know it
and noone stops me now
I guess this one. This one might. I mean it isn’t but it might be. I’ll twist it. Like being on my own right now I know I have to keep going to do what it is I want to do. Something like that.
Its a good song though, I love it.
Brand New – Norphlet
When you died, did you slip through a crack in the floorboards?
Did your spirit slip out through the back door?
Did your soul float up through the ceiling?
You know that’s what I grew up believing
As I said above its like nearly a year since Pete died and its made me rethink a lot of stuff. Like he was my best friend and probably the only person who ever saw much good in me, the only person who put up with my bullshit and would just keep on at me till he got a reply. He was a total angel. This song kinda made me think of him with that verse.
ALSO as I was sorting this out I found out that three wrestlers, two of whom were big in my childhood and one of those two being a HUGE part of my youth, died and it was just kind of poignant as I was reading about it all and it come on.
It’s ok. It’s alright. Go back to bed now, everything is fine
But I don’t buy it all, oh no. I can feel it in the rag and the bone
That everything has changed in my life
And I’ll be picking up the pieces ’til I die
It’s no life
Back to Pete and this feels a lot like how I’ve been feeling for ages. Pete was kind of like the other part of me and I just feel like I’m going motion to motion trying to get over him. It isn’t really working either. I just get more and more grumpy and detached from everything.
I need to see some wild birds
I need to feel like it’s worth it
I need a reason to go on
‘Cause I can’t stop my mind
Plus whilst I feel pretty fine right now this verse kinda… I dunno spoke a lot. I keep saying I’m OK but I’ve been on that thin line for a while. I’ve gone on and off self harming for the last 6 months and just been really low for no reason. I’ve been lashing out, becoming obsessive and just being a headcase without really being able to explain why to people. Not that I have people I really want to explain it too, I don’t honestly care if the people around me think I’m a headcase I’ve kind of had enough of trying to fit in. I kinda know that I never will, not now I don’t have Pete.
Change & Bloom – Deaf Poet
I’m tired of dwelling
On things that have no path
The passion turned sour
A change is due to come
Feel loyal not royal
Regret won’t change the past
So in a more positive thread I have kind of come to the conclusion that I just need to get over everything and move on.
How? I don’t know.
I literally have no clue.
In a way I do kind of want to keep looking for at least one other person, other then Aaron who puts up with my shit, that I can have in my life like I did with Pete but I don’t know how I’m gonna find that person, I don’t really know how to make friends and don’t know why Pete and Aaron put up with me let alone how to replicate that with anyone else.
So yeah that is my week. I dunno if its good or bad, you can decide for me. At least it was more on topic.