My Life as a Playlist Week 28

You’ve heard it all before. I’m just trying to come up with things as best I can. I think these ones are turning more philosophical and long reaching then anything else, I mean I’ve come to the conclusion that other than once in a blue moon I don’t actually have much going on in my life that is gonna come up that needs to be discussed.

Hell even only in certain ways would Dolly Parton’s 9-5 be useful, I mean all I do is work and get ready to work some more but I don’t work 9-5, sure I’m barely getting by and its driving me crazy but I need those pennies so that I can buy games and shit.

Plus like who really wants weeks of me quoting Dolly at them?

Paranoid – Milestone

And the truth scares me to death
That there’s no ache left in my chest

So as you all know I suffer pretty badly from paranoid anxiety and its been playing up the recent week or so.

I’m paranoid that the girl without the voice
Is saying that I’m going insane
Well we all know that
The darkness never fades

It is pretty much what it sounds like. My anxiety is high for no real reason so my paranoia makes it feel like everyone is talking about me, everyone hates me, everyone is out to get me and so on and so forth. Stick that with my social anxiety and I’m just a ticking time bomb half the time, ready at any moment to start crying about nothing or take everything someone says the wrong way.

There’s a monster in my head
A memory I can’t forget
And it’s never gonna leave

Worst of all is that there is no reason FOR it. There are plenty of moments in my life fueling it but none of them are actually bothering me, none of them are even recent and its like if I pile up every shitty thing I can think of to upset myself then I’ll be upset enough to warrant feeling shitty.

Makes no sense but that is what living with mental health issues is. One big clusterfuck of I hate living.

Destroy, so as to build – GP. (Ghost Parade)ย 

If you can hear this
If you’ve got the spirit
It’s time to let it out
(Destroy, so as to build)

Again this is more like a undercurrent in general in my life at the moment. I stuck up for myself and the move to morning shifts and even though I had problems all week health wise both mentally and physically I struggled through to complete a 41 hour week of 5am starts after… Just literally never doing them ever.

I wanted to prove that I could do mornings, that I wasn’t going to make other people’s lives difficult and to prove to myself that if I put my mind to it I can do about anything.

Get focused, kid, get true
You may get the chance to prove your worth
Earn your strips, make your sign
Come out with a tight fist and you’ll overcome this
Make your move, make it hurt, make it loud
I’m calling you out now

Still struggling in general with the heat so I wasn’t able to do a lot of work on here, we do have drafts of so much to be finished I just die when I get home, but I feel like I’m coming through another bad patch and gonna build it stronger then before again.

Hopefully.

Probably not, I’ll probably be dead by this time next year but I can only hope.

Bad to the Bone – WSTR

I’m trying to paint a pretty picture in front of everyone
But it ain’t so fun
‘Cos with one mad rush, yeah they’ll take my brush
And make God damn sure that the colours run
This gossip storm is spiralling
These crooked tongues are bleeding out, no doubt

I do not like people.

This won’t come as a surprise to anyone. I hate people in general. I don’t really have friends, I don’t want them. I don’t talk to anyone other then Aaron and sometimes a dude called Travis I met on Reddit. I’ve tried time and again to make friends or just be normal around people and like… What is the point?

I got a backlog of drama that won’t let me breathe
I got a catalogue of answers that you just won’t believe
I got a million other problems, thinking “Oh my God”
The grapevine packs a punch, has a real mean streak
I got an underlying demon that you don’t wanna meet
So if you’re trying to dig it up, I think I’d rather not

I’ve realised in the last few weeks that everything I say and do is reported back to other people and twisted so that some people think I’m a absolute crazy person and so on and so forth.

‘Cos I don’t care what your preference is
To all the dirty references or if you should have known
No I don’t care what your best friend says

Thing is I’m a open book. One person on this planet I hate the most is me. I’ll agree with any negative feedback on me, I’m a waste of a human life. I don’t really fucking care though, if people want to whisper about me behind my back and make up things I’ve said and done and other people, people old enough to know better, wanna believe all that shit and act like a child about things and not talk to me like a adult then you know what?

You have just proved my point that humans aren’t worth the effort. Not sure that has anything to do with any of the lyrics or the point of the song but yes this week was kinda the week I gave up on even trying to be social, have friends or even fucking care about other humans. I semi wanna be dead but won’t kill myself because I might as well suffer as I pretty much deserve that shit, I’d rather suffer in the peace of my own world then trying to fit into anyone else’s.

Playing Fiction – ROAM

Like I’m just picking this song because I struggled for a fourth and I liked the title because it feels like what I’ve been doing for a while now.

Kinda just wanted to be normal.

I know all the shit about “what is normal?” and all that but its very obvious what I mean. In the end though people have ALWAYS liked me around because I’m the unattractive, friendly weird one that makes everyone else feel better to be around. I’m awkward, I’m overly emotional when I’m in situations I can’t handle and no matter how shit life is you can turn and point at me as being rock bottom.

Just don’t really care for that anymore. I might be miserable being lonely but at least I’m miserable on my own without other people’s help.

 

 

THAT my friends is it for my anger filled week. Who would have thought working 41 hours would make me so angry?

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