There are few things harder in life than dealing with a break up, regardless of circumstances, outcomes or the person it’s with.
Unfortunately that’s what I’m currently dealing with, I was the one who instigated the split but it’s still difficult to deal with. I haven’t blogged in a while but i would like to share my experiences and I think it’s also to do with blowing off some steam but hopefully other people will take something from the experience I’m currently going through.
One of the worst things about splitting up is the sudden gulf of free time you have with nothing to fill it, inevitably it’s filled with your own thoughts about the relationship that you have lost. If you’re anything like me you’ll find yourself reading old conversations and looking at old pictures wondering if you could have done something different to make either you or the other person happier. I’ve met my friends as much as I can which does help but it never does enough, once I’m back home it goes back to the unhealthy habits.
Feeling abandoned by friends
You’ll look to your friends to fill your time and take your mind off things and when they can’t meet because of other arrangements they have, potentially with their own partners you will feel like they are just leaving you to deal with things on your own. Ultimately I know this isn’t the case, I know they have their own lives to lead and their own relationships to maintain but it’s difficult when you’re already feeling lonely when they appear to make little effort to meet you you can’t help but feel like you truly are on your own.
Little things start to mean a lot
You’ll find that things that shouldn’t be of significance or mean anything to you, suddenly symbolise a lot and it affects you massively. I recently experienced this with a snapchat streak, we had been at 316 and losing it symbolised that we truly had lost the relationship that we had. It shouldn’t have meant as much as it did to me, I already knew that it was over, but because we hadn’t missed a day talking since before we were together it represented the friend that I was losing as much as the girlfriend that I had also lost. I would like to say that I found a way to cope with it but so far I’ve had no luck, I know it’s okay for me to feel the way I do as much as I would expect someone else in the same scenario to be as upset as I am. But because it’s me, I can’t help but feel like I’m weak, like I’m not enough.
Unsure of how to present yourself
I have found it difficult how much I should share with which people, I have told my parents the very basics of what happened to avoid awkward conversations at home that I don’t want to deal with.
To most of my friends although they have a better picture of how I’m doing I haven’t told them everything or just how much I’m struggling, I try to make the time that I’m with them enjoyable to distract me from the thoughts I would have if I wasn’t with them.
I have one friend that I have been completely honest with and she has helped me greatly, she has proved to be my greatest ally in helping through the breakup. She has listened to my ludicrous thoughts and ideas and breakdowns and helped me and reasoned with me through all of them and I couldn’t be more grateful.
It’s very difficult to hide some aspects of how I’m feeling, I think everyone knows that to an extent I’m pretending to be fine, but as long as they play along and keep up the same pretense that everything is okay then for a few hours I can at least relax a little
Now you know exactly what you should do however you can’t help yourself, you’ll find yourself doing things that will remind you of the relationship or the person that you have lost. In my case I have found myself reading old conversations and listening to the music that she likes. I know I should listen to my own music, play my own games and ignore everything as best as I can, but instead I decide to put myself through unnecessary pain. This may have something to do with the emotions coming out of the relationship like guilt and regret, but maybe it’s just trying to relive the past.
This may not be the happiest 5 things but for me getting down in word format has been a sort of therapy to help me rationalise what’s real and what I can realistically expect from the situation I’m in. I’m finding it more difficult to deal with than I thought I would, I would like to think that now I’ll be able to get on in life and not be weighed down by the recent events but I highly doubt that will be the case. Unfortunately I still believe in my circumstances that it was the right thing to do in the long run but it fucking sucks right now. For anyone else going through a breakup or considering breaking up regardless of how bad you’ll think it will be, times it by at least 10. It’s tougher than you think.
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through, I know it’s even worse for you and that’s not what I wanted to come from this. I deeply regret everything that we are going through. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve, Lord knows I couldn’t provide it, I hope in the future we can at least be friends. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready, you know who you are.