My Life as a Playlist Week 26

This week has not been a good one ladies and gents. Not a good one at all, though the songs I’ve picked are kinda cheerful at least! Well… The music is.

Chasing Shadows – The Sherlocks

I’m back in the real world
Where everybody lives to work or do they work to live

Whilst the majority of the song I could probably make into some big thing about my life to be honest it was these two lines that kind of got me for this week. All I ever feel I’m doing now is waking up to go to work yet it doesn’t seem to be making much of a difference in my pay check and I get no real joy out of it anymore. Even my days off seem to be gearing me up for another day of work, I started about a million things this week but the heat and just tiredness from work have stopped me from actually getting anything done.

Just speak your mind cause I’m not fussed
So long as i know where i stand

Also this. This is kind of what I want to shout at a lot of people right now. I don’t care what people think of my but I suffer from paranoid anxiety as it is so the swinging of being nice to me to hating me is starting to really grind on me.

Whilst if some people just turned around and told me they hated me it would hurt I’m not the kind of person to get emo over it. I just like to know where I stand with people instead of some people telling me shit and then that person who is meant to hate me acting nice to me. I’m a adult. I get that not everyone is going to like me.

I’m always chasing shadows
I’m always chasing shadows

Isn’t it the truth though?

Running Man – Sunset Sons

How long until you understand
This life happens while we’re making plans

This is kind of what everything has felt like. So I’ve said that I’m trying to gear up to go for a dream job at the end of the year, whilst I work on planning out exactly how to get to where I need to go I feel like I’m losing out on other parts of my life. Not only that but the planning is taking forever and whilst the planning goes on I just… Alone sitting at home making plans.

That is basically it from that song. It is just exactly how I feel whilst trying to do something better for myself.

Heartless – Evaride

I’m barely breathin’
Never thought livin’ would be this hard

OK so to get real.

My depression has sucked balls this week. I wake up crying, I’m hardly sleeping anyway, I’m becoming obsessive with certain things I shouldn’t be obsessive over but because I don’t know WHY I feel depressed I want to cling onto things I know WILL upset me in the long run and the bad habit of using that as a excuse has begun.

Also my anxiety is playing up.

I’ve had some shit about certain things and have to figure out a grown up way of settling it without causing a load of unnecessary drama… Just I don’t think there is a way to do that. I also am well aware that all I do now is complain about the pain I’m in due to my operation and it feels like every other day there is something new to complain about. Someone said that the operation seems to have done more bad then good and they are completely right. I don’t actually know what to do and because I have the anxiety about the first thing going through my head the anxiety for that is even higher because I’m paranoid everyone is judging me anyway.

Vicious circles are vicious circles.

And I’m so far underwater
But then I feel your hand
Will you be the one to save me?
Oh tell me that you can
Now I need you more than ever
‘Cause I feel that I will drown

I kinda need to find that person.

I know that at the end of the day you kind of need to get yourself out of these things and not rely on other people, people come and go in your life and looking for other people to help you when you are always going to be up and down, running in circles because the voices in your head make you crazy isn’t a good thing. Right now though I’d take just a friend. Someone, anyone who could help me.

As I said I’m in a vicious circle at the moment and the worst part of it is that I’m fully aware of that circle I just don’t know how to get out of it and trying to do so is dragging me further down.

I can hope that it doesn’t last long.

My God & Your God – To Kill A King

To be honest I don’t really know why I’ve picked this song it just kind of… Felt like it fit.

Raise up your glass to the saint of lost causes
He’s had His eye on me since I started walking
He gave me my first title which said “I’m free to a good home”

That just kind of feels like me through and through. I feel like a lost cause right now and so many people want to see the best in me but I just push people away because I’m not a people person. I really am a lost cause.

Throw a penny in the jar to my old bout with death
Welcomed by some, terrifies all the rest
But a couple of whiskies in, you see, he’s a right proper gent

Plus I just loved this…

 

So long story short… Its too hot, I’m not sleeping, my depression is playing up and I’m too focused on my real life job and planning to get my dream job to do anything else including… Actually anything that will help get the dream job.

Honestly in a very bad place right now with very little keeping me going.

Hopefully with some rain due in the coming days I might cheer up. You never know.

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