So last week of sick, back to work tomorrow. Not going to lie I’ve had another bad week as in… Nothing has really happened. Its a struggle to think of anything to write really.
Why Worry – Set it Off
So one thing you might know about me is that I worry a lot about everything. I suffer from severe paranoia which is made a ton worse with my social anxiety so I honestly spend most of my time just completely certain that everything in my life is a lot more negative then it is.
This sinking feeling sets,
It feels just like a hole inside your chest.
I know you’re thinking,
No, no, no, no, it is easier said than done,
But please let me attest.
I know it’s hard.
You’re feeling like you’re trapped,
But that’s how you react,
When you cannot see the light.
But try and see the light.
I’m tellin’ you,
No, no, no, no,
You’re the only one
Standing in your way,
Just take a breath, relax, and tell me…
With a week before I got back to work it hit its peak. I think I’ve mellowed a lot which is why I’ve picked this song.
Why do we insist,
On crossing bridges that do not exist?
Let’s take these issues
Step by step by step, to work it out,
Day by day by day we’re falling down,
But life goes on.
I’ve got some questions,
Are you sick of feelin’ sorry?
And people sayin’ not to worry?
There just doesn’t seem any point in worrying about things. If people don’t like me but to my face are nice that isn’t something I can change or do anything about. I know I can be hard to handle because of my depression, I can become obsessive over something that upsets me and ruin other people’s time by accident so I get why I’m probably not actually someone people want to spend time with. I get it.
I guess I just need to learn to deal with it and stop worrying.
Please tell me why do we worry?
Why do we worry at all?
Just tell me why do we worry?
When worry is never helping tell me
Why worry at all?
World Away – Tonight Alive
Carrying on that theme its all about trying to figure out where to go next with my life.
The problem is I’m not very good at showing my feelings. I want to be one way but I can’t act like that so I’ll put the same mask on and go about business like usual even though I don’t want to.
Though I take hit after hit
I realise the higher reason is accepting challenges as gifts
And through the fight
I never really knew that I would find myself
That’s why I give my thanks to you
Inside though I need to work on it very hard because I need to be happy myself and obviously I’m not. Lying to myself hurt me more then just being honest and figuring out where to go next.
A part of me always believed
I must have brought this on myself
‘Cause I’m not where I want to be
And every time I want to change my life
It just feels like trying to turn water into wine
Guess in a way I’m lucky. These four weeks have opened my eyes to the world I was living in and what I have to do to move on. Lots of changes hopefully coming my way and I’m working towards a goal that sounds stupid, so I’m not sharing it, and is a complete pipe dream but I’m working towards it instead of thinking that its impossible and just not doing it. Kinda proud of myself in that regard.
It doesn’t have to be a world away
I can hear the song like it’s inside of me
I know that if I get to know my pain
I unlock a hundred different doors to better days
The Sun will come up, The seasons will change – Nina Nesbitt
Again its all in the lyrics and the same kind of thing. I think being away from work has helped me see that my emotions were destroying me and I thought I’d found friends but I hadn’t really. I need to go on and use the knowledge I feel I have now to just get better.
My life’s uncertain and sometimes strange
But one thing I’ve learned is it won’t stay the same
Even in the darkness I’ll be okay
The sun will come up, the seasons will change
I think the point that you don’t really see the change but it does change is a good point. I feel I’m a lot stronger now emotionally then I have been, I don’t look it but finding someone I enjoy talking too who doesn’t care what I talk to him about and kinda seems to realise I just sometimes need to moan and rant has helped me come to my own conclusions instead of people just saying I’m paranoid all the time. I’m pretty sure I’m not just paranoid, I’m pretty sure a lot of what I feel is true and I’ve just been hiding from it.
You don’t see it, when it’s happening, happens overtime
First you’re laughing, then you’re crying
Then you can’t decide
I think I might be OK though.
TOY – Netta Barzilai
Bit of a cop out I know but I did spend Saturday evening listening to Eurovision then most of Sunday wondering what was wrong with the world that they just couldn’t be happy for someone winning a throwaway competition that happens once a year but instead had to spend the evening/morning insulting her because she’s overweight, comes from a country they don’t like and sang a song they believe she only sang to win…
That’s right. She sang a song she thought would win. It sounds ridiculous but that is what they are so angry about.
She sang a song that was slightly different, that could stand out and that had a message of some sort. But how dare she do that and then win when better songs lost.
Its why I don’t bother watching things that have public votes anymore other then Eurovision, the saltiness of people whose favourites don’t win is ridiculous. Everything from songs, dancing and talents are subjective. Sure something might be technically better then something else but it also has to be something that a voting person will relate to and enjoy, if they don’t enjoy it or it doesn’t stand out to them of course they aren’t going to bother with it. I mean its just common sense. So how dare people enjoy something other people think was shit.
I personally loved it and think its a great song.
So maybe I lied. Emotionally this week has probably been not too bad. My life still sucks, I still had a boring week though I did also go see Avengers which was great and had a lovely meal in Chiquito which was awesome. I’m looking forward to going back to work tomorrow but mainly so I have some structure in my life during my weeks.
Hoping this kick starts my motivation and all the rest and I can focus again and work towards my new goal.