If you didn’t know I’m having a operation today. How could you not know?!
Just as I can’t go a week without crying about the same old same old I don’t think I’ve missed a beat reminding people I’m probably going to die. So I thought why not dedicate OPERATION DAY to 5 things I probably should have said to people before there was a chance that I could die.
Not that I’m going to die… I mean lets be positive about this. Hopefully. Maybe.
5. Telling my old Area Manager to go fuck himself…
So when I was working for my old company, the one that left me depressed beyond belief and suicidal, the one thing I always wanted to do was tell our Area Manager that he was a total ass hat that had no idea what he was doing and talked a load of shit.
He acted like he knew better and by the sound of it after all the people who ignored him left and he got his own way the store went to shit.
BECAUSE HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING!
I’ve heard he’s now basically been pushed out of the company BECAUSE he’s so bad at his job which bloody served him right.
Honestly he is one of the most lazy and horrible people I’ve ever met and the joy on his face when he got a chance to tell me off and basically tell me that I don’t have anxiety or else hoping to hell I’d have a panic attack in front of him was disgusting.
He thought he was gods gift but he was just a absolute twat.
4. Believed in myself more and actually followed a dream…
Obviously you all know by now that I hate myself and think I’m a boring fuck that can’t do anything right. Thing is I always kind of deep down wanted to be paid for my writing, its why I’ve been writing reviews and stupid shit since I was a teenager. I used to run a Bruno Senna fan page and ever since I left that I’ve been basically doing this.
I don’t have a clue why any of you follow us let alone enjoy reading what we write so I’ve never actually thought about trying to do it professionally but its something I’ve thought about a lot since I began.
Its something I don’t think I’ll bother trying to sort out when I get out of my operation either but maybe it is something I should think about?
3. Say how I feel without worrying about others / JUST FUCKING BE ME!
So its kind of half something I’d want to say and half just the fact that I find it so hard to be me at times that there are way too many moments I wish I could do differently.
It’ll tie in to number 1 but sometimes I find it so easy to make friends and get to know people, usually that is because that person is a extrovert or I’ve just found a common ground to work with. Some people, especially the biggest regret of my life, I just can’t and half the problem is I can’t be me with them and the other half is that I’m constantly worried they’ll judge me. Like I don’t care if other people judge me or not but THOSE people I do care and therefore I just draw a blank.
The horrible thing is that they then form the wrong opinion on me and its hard to shake, specially after knowing someone for so long. Its even harder then to try and get a mid-ground with them and even worse when that person is a fellow Introvert but a proper PROPER introvert so not even a nervous wreck Introvert like me who ends up babbling because they are nervous.
In general though a great clump of my regrets will come to be about keeping quiet or not pushing a situation further because I can’t be myself and I’m constantly worrying that
2. Going up the country to see more wrestling
Its a boring one but one I do really regret.
Especially regret not getting off my ass and going to WCPW before the Cultaholic guys left and they got rebranded.
I’ve always loved wrestling and the WhatCulture/Cultaholic guys helped me get through a tough period when I went from my old job to my new one. It would have been nice to have met them, and yes that includes Blampied, but now I am pretty sure I’m just not going to which sucks because I would have really loved to.
Not only that but there is a good chance that after my operation with the scar I’ll be left with that I just won’t want to travel or be seen in crowds for a long time and again that will stop me from going just about anywhere outside of Plymouth to see wrestling. I doubt wrestling is going to get big enough down this way to have a lot of my current favourites on shows, CPW seem to be the company that might bring them but its still a long shot.
So basically I’ve had all this time to go out there and see more wrestling shows and stuff and now I’m probably just not going to.
1. I love you…
THIS is not going to surprise a single fucking person. There is one person who I have talked about to DEATH in the last 6 months and if I died today, which I’m not, then the biggest regret I’d leave this earth with was that I couldn’t be honest with him.
I did kind of tell him how I felt but I had to word it carefully because I didn’t want him to think I was a crazy person. Thing is I don’t think I should have cared if he thought I was a crazy person, I know how I feel and the point of telling him how I felt was to make me feel better. I know that he was going to reject me and I should never have told him he didn’t have to, I needed to hear it and I needed to tell him the full truth and not water it down.
Even if I do survive I think I’m going to have to move away from this as far as I can because in the last week I’ve made everything so much worse between the two of us to the point I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to make it better. I doubt he wants me to try and make it better.
Deep down though I’d kind of like 5 minutes just to tell him how I feel and maybe clear up why our wires have probably been crossed and why I can’t talk to him like a normal person. At this point though I’ve just messed up royally and there is no going back on what I’ve done now so this is pretty much going to be my regret no matter what, I’ll go to my death bed regretting this.
Never knew that love could hurt this much, unrequited love is the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with and if I could have one wish it would be to go right back to the moment I met him and do absolutely everything over again.
I feel slightly nervous even joking about this now though because I am just terrified that something bad will happen. I don’t even know if this would be my last blog because I’m sure I’ve done some more weekly questions that are scheduled to come out. I guess it would have to do as some kind of last words or something if something did happen but its only a routine operation to have a cyst in a nasty place surrounded by all the important fucking parts of my body taken out.
Will this be enough to make me actually go out and say these things?
HELL FUCKING NO!
I make terrible mistake after terrible mistake