So this is a strange one. As you might guess I’m a little bit all over the place this week, its the last full week before my operation so depression has set in, I posted the Diary post that showed that I’d done something good to move forward with my life and regretted it every second after…

I’m just a little lost right now so I don’t think I can put into words my week.

SOOOOOOO last week I tried something different. This week I’ve just picked four songs and I’m gonna post the lyrics that speak to me without any commentary because… I physically can’t even begin to explain the pain I’m in without starting to ramble about being in love with a man who is indifferent to my existence, fearing I’m going to die on Thursday and just generally not really wanting to be alive anymore at the same time.

Angel – Theory of a Deadman

I’m in love with an angel, heaven forbid

…

I’d go to hell and back with you
Stay lost in what we found.
Worlds apart we were the same
Until we hit the ground

Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m weak
Maybe I’m blinded by what I see

…

So fly on your own
It’s time I let you go

…

Walls are built to keep us safe
Until they’re crashing down
Worlds apart we were the same
Until you hit the ground

How Did you Love – Shinedown

No one gets out alive, every day is do or die
The one thing you leave behind
Is how did you love, how did you love?
It’s not what you believe those prayers will make you bleed
But while you’re on your knees
How did you love, how did you love, how did you love?

Nothing ever feels the quite same when you are what you dreamed
And you will never look at anything the same when you see what I see
How we forget ourselves, lose our way from the cradle to the grave
You can’t replicate or duplicate, gotta find your own way

You Don’t Get Me High Anymore – Three Days Grace

I don’t like staying at home
When the moon is bleeding red
Woke up stoned in the backseat from a dream where my teeth fell out of my head

…

Walk with me to the end
Stare with me into the abyss
Do you feel like letting go?
I wonder how far down it is

Nothing is fun
Not like before

I’ll Be OK – Nothing More

We live in the rain, a sea of change
You can’t keep anything you take
Lovely face of lives we chase
Is but dust for wind to take
When all is gone, the only loss
To not have loved at every cost
When you can say, and I can say
We loved with every step we take, I’ll be okay

How do you love when your heart is broken?
How do you speak when you feel outspoken?
I can forgive and be forgiven
By learning to heal with a heart wide open

With open hearts, despite the stakes
We take a chance on our mistakes
A brand new day, we will embrace
An open wound that heals with grace
All the fears that we will face
In this time, and in this place
When you can say, and I can say
We loved with every step we take, I’ll be okay

 

 

And that is it. You can probably guess from just knowing me what some of the lyrics indicate but I’ve just been extremely depressed this week but the general feeling I’ve had is that in the end I’ll be fine. I mean after all I’ve been lower then rock bottom before and whilst I feel like my life is about to end not ACTUALLY end but in lots of ways end there will be a door at some point.

I just wish I’d never fallen in love. Its a horrible feeling.