Diary # 23 : A Out of the Blue and Strange update

So I had my pre-op appointment today and some weird things happened to me and I made a big decision in my life knowing full well it is never going to be the same again after next week anyway so I’ll kind of explain as much as I can below and hope you all forgive me for being absolute shit for the next few weeks.

I haven’t really gone into detail about my operation but next week I’m having a branchial cyst removed from my neck which is going to leave a scar on the majority of the left side of my neck. Very visible and not something I’m looking forward too.

For the last month or so since I got my letter through I’ve hardly slept due to that and my anxiety and depression have become so unbearable.

One side effect is that my crush on my co-worker has reached the point that it negatively effects my life now in a very real way. I found myself in a discussion the other day with someone on Reddit where I admitted that I’d rather just not wake up from my operation then face life anymore.

It isn’t a proud moment in my life to admit I’ve fallen back into this place.

Thing is whilst I can’t help but go on about this crush I haven’t been able to explain myself properly either. I’ve always been worried someone I know might see it and tell him about it so whilst I haven’t been scared to mention it I haven’t really gone into detail.

The simple fact was I met my dream man. Honestly I felt like I dreamt him up and into reality. Nearly everything I’ve learnt about him made him more perfect in my opinion and whether you believe it or not I very much feel like I’ve fallen in love with him. Its hard because he doesn’t really like me a great deal, which is my fault as much as its just one of those things, I’ve tried so hard just to be on speaking terms with him and every time I think I’ve made progress I ended up a good mile or so behind not long after.

Unfortunately I will never even be in contention for his emotions, no matter how much I wish it so he’ll never fall in love with me and that’s 99% because he just doesn’t like me and 1% because we just can’t communicate with each other so we can’t even form a basis for a friendship so something could blossom.

I told him how I felt in December via Messenger, not the best way to do it but he’d avoided having to talk to me in person so it was the only way I felt I could, he’s never brought it up or replied but the answer was right there in black and white I just didn’t want to see it.

He has no interest in me.

He doesn’t even have a interest in anything other then being co-workers.

Blindly I’ve tried to get closer to him in any way I can, let me make it clear in no way was that to have a relationship with him but because I thought if I could at least be on speaking terms with him like I am with EVERY ONE ELSE I WORK WITH it might make it less painful for me, sometimes he responded other times he once again signposted how much he just didn’t want me in his life. I ignored those sign posts because, well, would you want to give up if you were as sure as I was that you’d met the man of your dreams?

Unfortunately its got to the point where I’ve had to admit to myself that I’ll never be good enough for him and as of the 19th April I’m pretty much going to be off the market for good. I mean I’m ugly as hell as it is without adding a massive scar to my neck.

So I’ve cut him out of my life as much as I possibly can whilst still working with him.

Again unfortunately, and that really is the word to describe this whole mess, he like me enjoys going out with the group so there will be no avoiding him whilst trying to better myself BUT I can limit that damage by taking a big first step and removing him from Facebook.

I know I’m just a moody millennial or whatever you are going to reply but its kind of symbolic for me to take that step and admit…. He isn’t even my friend. If he had the choice he’d probably take never seeing me again over even being co-workers.

AND THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE!

I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m not writing it because I feel he should change how he feels. Like most of my diary posts I’m writing this because it feels cathartic and also saying it out loud like this makes me feel like I really AM ready to move forward.

Because that is what I plan on doing now.

My life is going to change a whole bunch next week. “Its just a scar” you’ll say but as you probably can tell I have a extremely low opinion of myself and it feeds into my anxiety, like fire to a flame, that scar will be the symbol of the end of my dreams of falling in love or having a family or just about anything else. I’m going to fall so far behind where I’ve been for a long while in confidence and belief that I might one day be able to have a partly normal life, or what I want as my life, and I’m just going to revert to that person who would rather walk around with a bag on their head then ever be looked at by another human being.

Again this isn’t written for sympathy its just how I feel right now.

I don’t want people to pretend to like me because they have to. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I say sad things. I write these posts because they speak to others and it helps me.

Removing him from Facebook is the first step in trying to move my life forward and away from what has actually become a burden on my life.

I never asked for these feelings, people like me never even think we’ll be allowed to feel these feelings. I don’t really know how to deal with the way I feel right now but I know that removing myself from his life is the fair thing for him. He doesn’t deserve to have someone like me annoying him at every turn or basically stalking him for no reason, again that is probably the wrong word choice my friends would get I was joking but I feel some might not I just mean that he might feel stalked because I have a compulsive need to like everything that he posts on Facebook I don’t go out of my way to see what he has posted or anything but when I do see it I do try and react for no real reason.

I’ve gotten off the point as always.

My point is right now I feel like my life has ended. I don’t want to wake up from my operation next week and I wish I could just walk out of this job and never look back. I hate my life, I really despise myself and I’m struggling to keep it together.

This all kind of come crashing down on me today which sucks because last night I was all ready to kick some ass with the new anime season. Truth is I can’t concentrate anymore, since I made the decision and then went through with it I’ve been in tears. I’m tired, I feel like I’ll never be happy again and I’m dreading what is going to happen next week.

So productivity is in the bin. I can’t concentrate, I don’t know what to do with myself and I’m not really able to contribute much on here.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

Other then some things that the others can work amongst themselves on I’m just going to disappear for a bit. I have two more reviews half done that I’m going to try and do for tomorrow now and that is it.

I just can’t right now.

I loved him so much even though I barely know him and having to admit to myself that even my day dreaming of him has to be over now if I want to one day heal is like a knife to my heart. I don’t know when I’ll be back properly. I’ll try and do a half decent job on the weekly playlist for Sunday I promise. If any weekly question comes up in my name that’s because we’ve scheduled them months in advance.

I hope you all are in a much better place.

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