For the first time this year I missed this blog! That is pretty much 2 months of the year without missing one.
To be fair though there was a good reason for me missing it. As always though I’ll tell you that story through song…
Human – Rag’n’Bone Man
This event in my life feels so long ago, it happened literally seven days ago, last Monday, but if feels so much longer. I basically had people just have a go at me for daring not to bend over backwards for them. Nothing I said or did made them happy and I ended up for the first time whilst working in this job have to leave work because of my anxiety.
But I’m only human after all
I’m only human after all
Don’t put your blame on me
I ranted about it online a lot but they basically got upset over a mistake on the systems that has nothing to do with us, with the fact that they were too rushed to let us figure out what had gone wrong and when they came back expecting me to just be sat around waiting to serve them. Nothing we did was good enough. Just terrible people.
It’s The End of the Wold As We Know it – REM
If you live in the UK then you very much know all about the end of the world right?
We had snow and the world ended.
Or it feels that way working in retail, its all over the news how all the shops are running out of the essentials as deliveries are struggling to get to stores yet people are coming in acting like they’ll never see a loaf of bread again so stocking up more then they could possibly eat before it goes off and for the rest of the day we get grump, usually middle aged women, having a go at us for the tenacity of not having any bread after we’ve been open for 12 hours EVEN THOUGH its all over the news just how crazy the UK has gone right now.
Someone at work today made the brilliant point of if this is what happens after a few days of snow, for us down here in the West Country at least I know its been longer for others, then how the fuck will we manage if a real disaster happened?
I’m Fine – Hazel English
This song is just one I randomly fell upon and it describes me perfectly. It probably is in the sound track to LiS, if not then it just came up whilst searching for songs on the playlist.
I, I can’t deny I’m paralysed from the inside
Everyday I wake to feel the same
And every time you ask me how I’m feeling
I just smile and tell you that I’m fine
I never like to make a fuss about how bad I feel. Sometimes I will say I’m not too good and even go into detail about it but I won’t actually ever tell people the burning sadness in my chest, the way I feel like I’m watching my life implode around me, the horrible feeling I’ll never be good enough for anyone….
I, I don’t know why I’m terrified of everything
Just to call the doctor seems daunting
For most of my life I felt a sharp uncertainty
Now its just become a part of me
Unfortunately these things do just end up being part of your every day life. I try really hard not to let it get to me but sometimes I can’t help it. It just hurts to exist.
Low – Flo Rida
The lyrics have absolutely no connection to the event it just so happened to be a song that I knew that played on the night and one that I like anyway.
I went out with work, socialized with a group of people and then went out drinking all night. Heck I was on the dance floor most of the night even if I can’t dance. THIS is why I missed the blog because I was half way through writing it when I got a message telling me the guy I like was coming and they weren’t sure if I still wanted to go or if it would make me upset so I got distracted and then before I knew it I was in the taxi on my way to bowling. By the time I got home it was 3am and when I woke up I was too tired to do anything other then sit around waiting for work.
As you will all no doubt agree though this is the only decent excuse I can come up with for not doing this blog.
For a start it got me out of the house, I socialized with people I get on with and spent time with the person I cry about every day. Like it didn’t better our relationship in any way, maybe we’ll be a little closer at work not in a friendly way but in a he won’t ignore me all the time way… I dunno but it was just nice to go out and do something and be included in the group, even though I was invited out once and just blanked people so I’m not saying that because they don’t invite me I’m saying that I let myself be included for a change instead of thinking of 100 reasons why I shouldn’t be included then not including myself.
That was last week!
It started off badly and ended with the happiest moments of 2018.
I feel I’ve come a long way. I don’t usually like doing things I know I’m bad at around people, not because I’m a sore loser or anything, but because I’ve always been made to feel like I can’t do anything right so showing people how bad I am at things just terrifies me. I know it does everyone but usually I just don’t do things.
I went bowling, we played pool, I danced on a dance floor and had conversations… kinda,… with the man that usually turns my brain to absolute mush. OK today I also tried to talk to him but went back to falling on my sarcasm and hating myself for it, its probably half the reason he doesn’t always get on with me because he doesn’t know if I like him or if I hate him.
Today was the first day of 2018 I really felt clear headed and just happy and content. That was a nice feeling. It won’t last long, not at the rate idiot customers are trying to upset me, but its nice whilst it lasts.
I could have fobbed this week off but I’m so proud of myself for doing this every week I didn’t want to miss a week, specially one that could in the long run turn out to be important for me in so many ways.