My Life As a Playlist Week 7

So this is my last day of holiday and I’m sat here wasting the hours away until DEFIANT Wrestling is on and depressing myself over my return to work tomorrow. Four days in a row. Four days…

Don’t Let Me Get Me – Pink

Another week and the same old shit. I think my problem really is that I just don’t like myself very much it really is battle with myself every day.

Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself

This week it was trying to get my ass out of bed before 11am because I didn’t want to waste the last of my holiday. That failed miserably and then I just hated myself more and more so didn’t get anything done at all any day for the whole week. This vicious circle never ends and you just end up hating yourself because you did this to your week, you ruined it so then the next day you get up late because what’s the point?

It’ll keep happening too. Tomorrow I’ll be even worse because I have to leave at 1pm to go work and it’ll be 10pm by the time I get home so if I don’t wake up at about 9am then my whole day is going to be get up, get dressed, sort shit out for work, travel to work, work, travel home from work and then make myself believe if I go to bed after having something to eat that maybe JUST MAYBE the day after I’ll get up a little earlier and have something to do with my life.

Just again it won’t and it’ll be the same.

Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

What’s worse is that because it has started with me not liking myself it isn’t going to end because I just continue not to like myself so why would it?

HELP – Papa Roach

When you suffer from depression I guess the number one thing you want is help.

Did someone turn the lights out
Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?

One thing that really made me think this week was when I was talking about problems I was having with coming to terms with relationships with people I work with with a friend of mine and he pointed out that if there was something wrong he knew that I’d get in touch with him for help and he wouldn’t have to bug me to get me to ask him for help.

I’m the kind of person that gets really angsty and annoyed with people when I’m falling and they just keep bugging me. Maybe I shouldn’t be because its like drowning really but sometimes it isn’t till the last moment that you reach your hand out to be pulled out of the water and ignoring hands trying to grab you before you decide to reach out is probably a bad thing.

I think I need help
Cause I’m drowning in myself
It’s sinking in, I can’t pretend
That I ain’t been through hell
I think I need help
I’m drowning in myself

Maybe I’m just scared of help?

Troublemaker – Weezer

Its only really the chorus I’m talking about…

I’m a troublemaker, never been a faker
Doing things my own way and never giving up
I’m a troublemaker, not a double-taker
I don’t have the patience to keep it on the up

It’s pretty much a perfect description of me. To go back to the last song I did try and explain to people who were reaching out to me why I wasn’t replying. Somewhere in my head the way to do that was…. Write shit? I mean I tried to explain but all I really did was talk shit and probably make more trouble for me when I go back to work in the end.

Lost – American Hi Fi

Like I sound really miserable about my depression but when you have depression you kind of learn to try and not drown in it. I’ve always liked this song because, tying it to the above song, when I do my stupid stuff and write things I don’t mean or say things I don’t mean I kind of hope that people will stick around even though I’m hard to work with. Even when I say I don’t want them too usually its more down to the fact that I am convinced that I will be left behind, I always have been very few people have stuck around with me, so I feel its better to just get rid of people then and there instead of carry on.

I had that dream
Where I just can’t wake up.
I’m standing on the edge
Of my little world I filled with silence

Its a difficult thing depression. Its contradictory. Everything inside is a bit of a mess. You want friends but are always terrified you aren’t good enough for them and that they’ll throw you away so you push them away which makes you lonely and then depression convinces you that THIS IS WHY YOU PUSH THEM AWAY. That more normal voice in your head then questions this logic because its flawed but at this point your brain just is a warzone of emotions and the damage has been done and who can blame someone with their own life and problems not sticking around to find out what is really happening in your stupid brain.

I don’t want to die I don’t know how.
I hope you’ll stick around.
You never know
You’re high or low
There is a lot I’ve got to learn
You start so fast
You never last
Thinking the time was mine to burn.

 

That would be my week. Next week expect lots of tiredness and complaining about lack of having a life because I’m working all the time.

This week was just depression. It wasn’t a bad, bad week it was just a vicious circle to be honest.

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