For some people nothing is going to stop them being the happy positive wonderful humans they are. That’s all good and well for you. Today, or just recently I guess, I’m sick of people telling me that I’m too negative and that if I just Lived in the Moment I’d be much happier.
Just because it works for you it doesn’t mean its going to work with someone like me.
Its hard to live in the moment when every moment you are awake you are in constant pain. People always tell you that they understand, everyone has a story about when they suffered or when they hurt but they seem to forget how personal that pain was to them and how personal it is to me.
I’m not someone who enjoys moments. I over analyse them to death. Even the most positive of moments will turn into a negative the second I have to think about it.
People like to tell me it gets better and that you just have to remember the good times.
Like the time I made myself go in town to see the Christmas lights go on and had a woman have a go at me and leave me in tears? Because that happened when Living in the Moment. Or like when I walked out of a job that made me mentally ill and very nearly killed myself because of the job centre? How about my 5 year relationship where I spent every fucking penny I had on a guy that treated me like shit? Every time I go somewhere nice and end up with a migraine, in tears, having a panic attack and a nose bleed and looking like a idiot?
I can’t leave the house without wanting to cry, I’m a 28 year old that needs to take 30 minutes to leave the house and even then has in the past had such bad panic attacks I’ve had to give up what I’m doing and go back inside. I don’t like the outside, I have no reason to like what is outside my front door when I can’t even begin to like myself.
My biggest problem right now is I hate myself. I hate that I don’t understand how I feel, I hate that I’ve fallen in love with someone I can’t even tell I have feelings for let alone have, I hate that I feel completely useless in everything I do, I hate having to look at myself, dress myself, get myself out of bed every day. I hate that I’ve stopped being proud of who I am, I hate that I can’t stop talking about one subject and its driving my friends away from me, I hate having to look after my stupid emotional ass when I get upset.
I came to terms with being non-binary and felt happy inside that at last I knew who I was. Now I just feel like a freak. No one wants to understand that I can’t physically force myself into their boxes and that there has always been this other box right next to them that they just don’t want to see but its where I belong. I’ve tried to tell people and they’ve mocked me. So what moment am I going to be living in when I live my life a lie because no one wants to respect me enough to respect my fucking gender?
Every day I have to hide who I am. I’m scared not just to leave my house but to leave myself. I can’t build human relationships and probably never will. I’m surrounded by people but never been so alone. I’m hurting more now then when I was suicidal. I’ve lost track of who I am, what I am and where I want to go with my life.
It takes every fucking ounce of my strength to fight my self hate. I struggle, usually in tears, to get my worthless ass out of bed. So what I don’t go out unless I have to go to work? Do you know how fucking hard it is for me to be surrounded by a crowd of people, having to fake a smile every time I leave the house, have to pretend I’m OK because if I dare actually tell someone I’m not I’m going to just tell them the one thing I don’t want a single person to know? Its a horror show so I’m sorry I conserve my energy for work or to do the one thing that makes me happy which is going to wrestling shows. You get up and brush your hair, have your shower and look forward to something in that day but I wake up and my first thought it I have to put up with myself again today.
Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just struggle along pretending it’ll all be OK.
Whilst I can’t find a reason to be happy with it and I don’t find pride in it I still fucking do it.
So don’t come at me with “what’s the worst that can happen” because the worst is that my feelings get hurt and they are already fragile enough with me trying to destroy them myself every second of the day without added heartbreak.
And really leave your Live in the Moment bullcrap at home because I DO live every fucking second in a moment of fear, panic and self loathing. I do not need someone telling me to be brave and go out and hurt myself even more then I’ve already done to myself.
For me telling me that I should live in the moment feels very much like a “just try to be happier”. Let me tell you now. If I could I fucking would have without you telling me to be so.