A very tough weekend looks only to get worse as the week goes on and as the emotional stress continues to build my mind has gone into self destruct and my worst qualities are coming to the forefront in a very explosive way.
Unfortunately the bad news is that one of the members of this site is dying, he’s in hospital with, the doctors believe, less then a week until his body completely shuts down. The member in question has been in my life for 11 years and been with me through thick and thin, he’s one of the only people in my life that knows the real me and has helped get me through some of my worst moments. The only reason I have my job right now is because he kept me motivated whilst looking for work and encouraged me to apply for me current job whilst everyone else told me not to. He’s saved my life on multiple occasions and even though he’s a million miles away he’s always there when I need him.
Its the first time someone who has made such a impact on my life is going to leave it but I can’t just be upset and cry or be sad. No. Of course not! That would be too easy. Instead my brain probably in trying to cheer myself up has amped up my ability to day dream and latched on to that pesky crush and now is sending me heart and mind into overdrive.
The combination of grief at losing someone so close to me and heart ache over something I’d logically got my head around only a week or so before is a powder keg that is leaving me restless, unmotivated and irritable. I can’t sleep, I barely eat and its going to end with me breaking down in a nasty way, making myself look like a idiot or just losing my mind completely.
Thankfully the hole that my friend leaves isn’t as big as it would have been a few years ago. After meeting someone else who will listen to me crying over the smallest of things and whilst he might get bored he doesn’t shy away from listening I at least have someone to remind me I’m being irrational when it comes to Joe but I have reasons to be so with losing my friend.
At times like this I wish I had a button in my head that would just reset feelings on people or that I could just push a switch and detach myself from things that upset me. Daydreaming about things to take my mind off of my pain, especially at a time when I spend a lot of time lying in bed trying to sleep but not being able to, should be OK but the constant addition of reality to it hurts. My constant messages to my friend are the same, I know this is illogical, that I have no right to feel the way I do and that I should just stop but there is no way to do this.
Its a terrible time. I feel horrid in that I just want the news of his death to come so that its over. There is nothing I can do, I can’t talk to him or see him and I can’t help him, when this ends it will be the chance I get to really grieve and hopefully the feeling of hopelessness will clear up. My mind will move on from this undying obsession with someone I can never have and leave the jealousy over nothing at the door.
Until then how do normal people cope? Or is it normal in this situation for your mind to make it worse?
ALSO just in case someone gets worried about me when I say I’m not coping or some such thing I am in no way suicidal at this moment or planning on doing something silly. The person these feelings are about has done so much to make me realise how important my life is that losing him is having the exact opposite effect on me and making me realise I have to keep fighting if not for me then for the sake of someone who fought his whole life yet never gave up on someone as selfish as me. So as I am sharing this to Facebook if anyone reports it like they did the post about my nose bleed I seriously will lose my shit. And yes… Someone told Facebook I needed help after posting I had a nose bleed. As much as I’m happy to see someone cares I’m not sure how reporting me to Facebook instead of just asking if I’m alright is the way to go but there you are. Maybe I could have worded the status better but when I said I was giving up at nearly 12am I meant on the day and was going to bed after having a nose bleed. Seriously people. Don’t get Facebook to do the work for you reach out to people if you are worried about them.