I don’t think people get just how badly anxiety can effect you. For instance I can come across as unfriendly, anti-social or shy because my anxiety effects my speech. Similarly when I try too hard I can come across as annoying, overly sarcastic and a bit of a bitch.
There isn’t a middle ground for me because I suck so bad at communicating with other humans.
Why I’m writing this is because today I realised how I can come across as not trying to hold a conversation or be part of a group. Whilst people engage me I tend to shy away from opening my mouth because I know what will come out is usually garbage.
I stutter, I have problems getting my mouth around all kind of words, I tend to forget what the point of a sentence was midway through speaking it or I’ll think it absolutely perfect but change it whilst saying it and making a complete mess of it all. Its worse when I like someone. Now I’m not talking about LIKE like someone just generally like someone. I either shut up completely because I don’t want to look like a idiot or I talk too much trying to fill awkward silences that aren’t even there.
My lack of social experience due to social anxiety is one of the main problems, I’m not used to talking to people so I its a chore to do so. Not that having a conversation with someone is a chore but actually working my way through a sentence and holding one end of a conversation is a chore because I just can’t do it. Then again I also suffer from being a extremely boring person, I could chew your ear off about my feelings on Eren and Mikasa from Attack on Titan, how wonderful Seth Rollins is, how much I want to punch James Ellsworth in the face or how perfect Jared from Silicon Valley is. I can go on all day about a number of really niche things that no one wants to know. If someone asks what I’ve done recently I automatically know telling them I sat around staring into space day dreaming about Marty Scurll or my infamous crush “Joe” isn’t going to be a conversation starter.
The first person who says well go out there and live your life OR the equally annoying who cares what they think could get a slap.
It DOES matter. If you want to have a conversation with someone you can’t bore them to death babbling on inanely about something they don’t care about and I personally can’t blag a normal conversation. So whilst I get on with someone and would love to join in a conversation I can’t because I can’t do it and it DOES matter to me. If it didn’t matter I wouldn’t be writing this.
If you can’t talk to people you can’t make relationships with people. I feel like the biggest burden in the world to a whole group of people because they have to deal with me and I must come across as a right ass hole. I don’t know how people put up with me, I don’t even know how I even made friends in the first place or how I’ve kept them. Hell I’ve had one friend for over 10 years! How this happened I don’t fucking know!
I was once told that confidence isn’t something that you are born with its something that you work on every day. They told me this when I confided in them how I feared I’d never be employed because I can’t communicate in interviews and come across as a idiot, this was going back 9 years ago of course, but its never become easier. I’m just as bad now as I was back then, whilst I fully know how I got my first job I’m baffled to how I got my second and even more baffled how I didn’t get fired for being incompetent. You’d think it would give me confidence but it doesn’t it just makes me worry.
So I guess to cut to the chase….
If you talk to me and I don’t really communicate back it isn’t because I find you boring or I’m being anti-social. Nine times out of ten its because I would love to hold the other half of a conversation up but I just can’t. You do not know how much your kindness in treating me like a fellow human being means but I just can’t physically be a normal human.
If you talk to me and I babble on and you can’t understand me that is me trying.
If I never talk to you ever it isn’t because I dislike you its because I honestly would rather die then make myself look like a idiot in front of you. There are at least three people in my life right now that I’d rather jump in front of a bus then talk to not because I dislike them, quite the opposite in fact and the thought of making a ass in front of them makes me physically ill.
Similarly if I hardly ever talk to you but then sometimes will throw in a attempt at friendliness then you probably should know I’m trying VERY HARD because I like you.
I think you can guess I’m starting to get very paranoid I’m giving off the wrong vibe to a lot of people who probably think I’m a ass hole but in actual fact I would love to be able to have a normal conversation with them but just can’t.
Funnily enough I have no problems telling people I don’t like them or talking to people I don’t like. I don’t care what they think of me so it doesn’t bother me.
Its days like today that remind me why I’m always going to be alone.