Diary #13 : Obsession…

So I have a bit of a obsessive personality. Its not something I can help, if I like something I want to know everything about it right at that moment and fill my head with it. My best work is done when I’m going through a obsessive phase with something. My many long years obsession with the racing driver Bruno Senna for example gave me many wonderful moments creating things for a fan site for him, my obsession over Domhnall Gleeson made me want to watch Star Wars a few times which led me to writing my most popular fic on Ao3 and so on and so forth.

When they are like that its fine. It makes me productive. I want to watch every single Adrien Brody film ever? I’ll go do that and write about them or get ideas from the movies of other things to write about.

When its a real life thing though…. Well that’s when I flounder.

Lets make it perfectly clear I’m not some deranged stalker or anything. When it comes to real life its similar, I want to know everything I can about the person but as the likelihood of someone I meet in real life having a wikipedia page or something is very low I kind of stick to just not knowing.

So the problem with real life obsessiveness is that it absolutely fucks with my depression.

Like you get someone stuck in your head and I’m a dreamer so I spend 90% of my day day dreaming, heck its better then the days that are 100% black outs and as I can’t have a social life because the thought of talking to other humans makes me physically ill day dreaming about things is all I’ve got, and when you have someone in particular stuck in your head they act like a magnet to those day dreams. You could be sat there day dreaming perfectly happy dreams about being in a MK tournament and beating the shit out of Liu Kang, as you do, and then suddenly your brain just wants to gravitate to some boring “what if” situation instead.

Now most people would probably just get bored and attempt to act out this what if moment.

After all what is the worst that can happen?

If they say no the what ifs float away and surely you can go back to bringing destruction onto Earth Realm?

As someone who can’t actually communicate with people that ain’t going to happen. As someone who hates themselves I see no point putting myself in a position I’m obviously going to be turned down from. As a person who day dreams about being ON THE WRONG SIDE OF A MORTAL KOMBAT TOURNAMENT I don’t really deserve a nice normal life and my boring normal day dreams to come reality.

You’d think therefore that they just wouldn’t happen.

I know I’m unattractive. I know I’m pretty much a crazy cat lady waiting to happen. I’m perfectly aware of where I stand in society which is in my own kitchen when a party with the rest of the world is happening down the street.

I know all this yet I can’t just detach myself from things. I end up obsessing over someone or something, unable to budge the vision of them from my memory, and suffer endlessly from self hate till either I get hurt in the most stupid of ways or I just wake up one day and suddenly I have no interest anymore.

Like with the majority of my mental health issues I can see this happening, my brain is able to see its silly. The situation is silly, I’m being silly, there is absolutely no reason for me to act this way or feel this way. But it goes on anyway, so on top of all this bullshit self loathing I have a extra layer of it because I know I’m doing this to myself for no reason. Most people don’t get like this so there must be a way to have a interest in someone without becoming obsessed with them.

Its not just people either, I can become obsessed with a certain event and once more it messes with my anxiety. For example I’m excited to go to a wrestling show, at fucking last, that features Cody Rhodes. I don’t plan on meeting Cody, because lets face it I’d die if I came face to face with him, but I do plan on meeting Matt Riddle. I’m so fucking pumped for it, I mean I had to change a day at work to get there, because I’m useless at remembering to ask for the days I need off for these shows, and you know for a fact that even though I’ve been talking about this event, jumping for joy at the event which also features Eddie Ryan, the greatest wrestler in the UK and my hometown hero, and Joseph Conners, who I’ve been in love with since I first saw him on WCPW, but when it gets to next Friday I’m going to be so anxious that by the time I get to MEET any of these people or watch the show I’m going to be so sick it’ll be unbelievable.

I can’t turn it off though.

What if the bus breaks down on the way to Taunton? What if they don’t let me in? What if, what if, what fucking if! It’ll drive me crazy until the next day when I’ll realise that I ruined my own day by being anxious about stuff I didn’t need to be anxious about.

My mind doesn’t have a neutral setting, it ruins all sorts of things for me for all sorts of reasons and whilst I know this is happening I can’t help it. I really honestly can’t.

Safe to say its a good reason why I hate my own company.

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