I am a very paranoid person. I really am. I have to second guess everything and the absolute worst thing anyone could do is compliment me because that is the one second I start to panic that actually I’ve done something wrong….
Its a strange old world really when someone can tell you that you are doing a good job and the absolute first thing that jumps into your head is “what the fuck have I done wrong now?” it makes people laugh when you point it out because its such a messed up way to think.
Recently I’ve been given a lot of compliments when it comes to my writing on here. Two separate people have called me a sports journalist and meant it in a nice way. Others have reached out to say that my ramblings in these posts have touched them and helped them.
Now for anyone who reads my crap will know I ramble on about random points and make little to no sense at all yet people LIKE it. People respond to it, enjoy it and find it useful/helpful/entertaining.
My profile on here says I have no talent so how does this happen?! Have I been lying to myself all these years?! Am I actually GOOD at something?!?
As I said its a paranoia thing. I don’t think I received many compliments, let alone false ones, growing up so it isn’t something that I’m used to or something that triggers me. I often talk about how much I hate myself and maybe its the fact that I don’t like what I do, I don’t like the way I am and I don’t see the good in myself that makes it hard to believe someone else would. They do say if you don’t love yourself no one else will and maybe I just think that way and become baffled when someone enjoys the crap I do when I know its crap.
Biggest problem by far is how to react when you get given them.
Usually, like in many of these blogs, I’ll just use self depreciating humour and shrug it off. Yes I’ll shrug a compliment off and hide it somewhere. Other times I get really grumpy about it and act like its a insult. “Did you hear that person said I’m good at this?! Did you? Its crazy right I’m fucking crap, how dare they insult my crapness!!!” That is the one that makes people laugh, whilst I don’t actually do that I do tend to go on about it. Many people might think I’m fishing for more compliments but I’m doing the opposite really, I’m waiting for someone to say “yeah I don’t understand it myself.” I’m not looking to be reassured about how good I am I’m looking to be reassured I am actually a lowly slug that does nothing right and that person is a idiot for not seeing it.
When people compliment you what are you meant to do? Even if on the inside you are sat there thinking “this person is fucking crazy” you can’t just SAY that. Again I shrug it off, lets face it human contact is a bitch for me at the best of times so nervously having to say thanks to a compliment I don’t believe is truthful is a pain in the ass. I’d rather just say “I’m just doing my job” or “its easy to do it when they are so good” then say “thanks that’s really nice of you to say.” I mean now I sound like a dick because the nice thing to say would just be thank you but I just don’t feel I deserve it so I don’t want to look like I’m taking it. If I can spread that compliment to others I will “oh yeah thanks but it really was a group effort” and if I can’t just shrug it off I’ll just awkwardly stand there in my little gloomy rain cloud and blush like hell.
Have I ever wanted to be complimented?
I’ve never dressed to impress anyone, I don’t write for other people’s enjoyment other than my own, I do things because its what I have to do and I do them the way I’m told to do them because I’m lazy and would rather do it well the first time then have to do it all over again right afterwards.
That isn’t to say I don’t like to be told what I’m doing right but I like knowing what I do right as much as I like being told what I do wrong. Its that really important balance. I take criticism as well as I take compliments though. Well that isn’t true, I’ll take it in and process it but on the outside I’ll be as gloomy and non-reacting as always.
How are you meant to take a compliment? Is it right to second guess whether a compliment is real or not? Should you just take it at face value and hope for the best?
Who else doesn’t like compliments because I would like to know I’m not alone in this world?
Please I beg you don’t leave compliments in the comments, plenty of hate messages and criticism but no compliments.