Diary #11 : The Question of Fitting in…

I’ve been told that no matter how comfortable you are being alone the majority of your life there will at least be one moment where you wish that you could fit in, you did fit in or you wanted to fit in.

As one of those annoying people who do and don’t everything (I do want friends, but I don’t want friends, I do want to go out with people and I don’t want to leave my house, I do want to talk to someone but I’d rather poke my eyes out then do so….) I can agree with that but I also know I’m unusual in general.

So the question becomes is it actually important to “fit in” and what does that even mean?!

Lets start this off very simple.

I DO NOT FIT IN ANYWHERE.

I said it. The rest of this blog probably argues against that but I know I don’t. I’m not sociable, I’m not likable I’m definitely not lovable. I don’t have too many friends (and who knows why they like me), I can’t speak to people, I can’t make eye contact with people to save my life which makes me look like a miserable git. No one gets my sense of humour, I’m just a downright horrible person. I can’t help it though because 99% of the time I’m that horrible person because I just a empty shell of a human with no real worth. The scary thing is there is a person underneath that shell but not even I like them so they don’t get a say in life.

Good times.

This blog came about when I was talking about work with the other members of this site (they are alive just don’t do any bloody work) and one of them asked me if I feel I fit in, I just kinda shrugged and said sure, which absolutely no one took as a confirmation I fit in. When I asked them what exactly they MEANT by that every single one of them came up with a different answer.

My problem is I’m a people person in a non-people person body. I’m personable mainly because its easier to be nice to people, get on with them, be nice to them and be a positive person in their life then the drama that starts when you’re a asshole. I live by the rule that how I treat other people depends solely on them, I’m the same amount of nice to everyone but if you get assy with me I’ll be assy with you and on the other hand if you are a great person I’ll do my best to be a great person back. I don’t get the point of being two faced or kissing someone you can’t stands ass.

Fitting in for me is just being comfortable.

I’m happy when I go to work (at long last) and I’m happy when I go to wrestling shows. I feel I fit into the team at work and I feel I fit into the group at the wrestling. I DON’T feel I fit in whenever I do something crazy like go out drinking. That’s my definition of fitting in.

Then again I don’t have any friends anyway so fitting in with a crowd never bothered me. It did when I was a teenager and it brought me nothing but misery. The group I tried to fit in with were backstabbers and cruel to me because they knew I wouldn’t stick up for myself. Its why I never really trust anyone and why I probably never will. I liked rock music and wrestling, I watched F1 and would rather sit in the library reading a book then sit on the field and talk about nothing. I never let anyone take it away from me but I did try to do things to get closer to people and found myself further away from humans then ever before (as you know after doing my GCSE’s I became reclusive and didn’t really leave my house until I got work at 20.)

When I asked the lazy bums I call co-writers on this site if it was IMPORTANT that I fit in none of them agreed again! Luc said the world should just fit around him (typical ass hole reply from the biggest ass of them all), Rick said it was really important to fit in and Amanda said it depends if you meant fit in with the crowd or fit in with a group.

The overwhelming feeling I left that conversation with was that I’m doing life wrong.

Apparently I should care more, even Luc in his aggressive hatred of everything thinks other people should go and fit in with him.

This conversation came about because the last two, going on three, weeks I’ve been suffering badly from my depression. My mood is yo-yoing out of absolute control. One moment I’ll be happy, the next really depressed. Whenever it balances out its either a absolute crash from being OTT happy or trying to recover from long lasting panic attacks, the middle ground never lasts long before I’m thrown to one end of the spectrum once more. My head is in a right state and obviously the conversation as to why poked into all corners of my life.

It couldn’t have come at a worse time.

When you are already feeling down and a burden to the universe in general you don’t want to be reminded that fitting in is a thing. They always say never judge someone as you never know how they are feeling underneath their smile, I’m living proof of that (as my last diary blog pointed out) but it made me look around and see that I’m always on the outside of something. I’m always the person people tolerate being around, the person who people come to with problems. So many of my friends came out to me in school because I was the understanding one, none of those people were there for me when I needed to talk about my mental health. NOW I have one or two people I cherish more then anything and that makes me happy WHEN I remember they are there but most of them live so far away it isn’t like I can go and get a hug from them. I don’t look like a hugger so it isn’t like people know they can hug me when I’m down either.

So my problems to fitting in…

I stutter, not like proper stutter but I can’t speak clearly. Sometimes words become unpronounceable to me so I have to think quickly of a way to re-word a sentence whilst still stuttering to make sense. People have to be patient with me. It means when I meet someone I WANT to like me I won’t talk to them. That simple. I could be stood in front of my soul mate and never say a word to them because my brain will simply shut off because it knows my mouth won’t do as its told so why bother?! It means I HATE talking to people, even really nice people who are so nice even in the face of a idiot that can’t speak.

SO if I don’t talk to you it isn’t because I don’t like you its probably because I think you are really cool or I really want to get to know you but I honestly don’t want to ever communicate with you because then you’ll realise that I’m a total loser who can’t even speak properly.

Then my bad memory.

Bad memory you ask? Yes because I watch TV shows and I play video games but if you, like people always do, start quoting something at me hoping I’ll get a reference EVEN IF I JUST STOPPED WATCHING THAT ONE SCENE TWO SECONDS AGO I probably have forgotten it. For some reason not being able to remember every little thing about something makes you a fake fan of things so usually I just tell people I don’t watch anything. If its something I can blag my way around I will admit to watching it but if I think a bunch of quotes, trivia or “can you remember this joke in episode 15 of season 20” then go fuck yourself.

Nicely.

My passions are a little out there. I’m a wrestling fan, even worse I’m a local wrestling fan. I watch bits and pieces of WWE but mainly I go to live events or watch WCPW. No one has a bloody clue what I’m talking about! Again I’m a gamer but linked into the above and the fact I’m a Point-and-Click/Adventure/Visual Novel game fan I usually have little to talk about to other people who game because I don’t play the shoot ’em ups or FIFA. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t just think Anime is weird so there isn’t even a point in mentioning that.

I have nothing else to talk about!

I don’t go out, I don’t do anything. “What did you do last night?” I watched anime/wrestling and/or played a video game…. That’s it conversation over ESPECIALLY if they haven’t heard of any of the things I talk about. I’ve geeked myself into a corner.

Now this is different at wrestling shows but AGAIN linked to the bad memory people start talking about shit I know I’ve seen and I can’t remember it!

Long ago I gave up thinking I’d have friends or a proper relationship. Everyone knows this because I say it all the time! When I’m really down though its the only thing I want. I see other people with a proper group of friends or just that one person that they can always count on and I wonder how the fuck they managed it. Relationships are the biggest thing when you get on a right downer though, it makes you despise yourself remembering no one could ever love someone who can’t even find it in themselves to LIKE themselves. A conversation like this just murders the last flicker of happiness you find because suddenly you realise the potential you have to be important to someone else is being lost because you won’t give yourself the credit to believe anyone would want you in their life.

When that happens you start to panic about fitting in.

I can, as I just did, pinpoint WHY I don’t fit in but many people don’t. When I’m not in the deepest pit of my depression I know logically it makes no difference if I fit in or not, or maybe I’m just a idiot, because fitting in doesn’t mean jack. I can fit in just by being a nice person, listening and going about my business but I’ll never FIT IN because I haven’t found a person to fit in with.

You see people doing things together and wonder why you have never had that and blame yourself for not fitting in with other people but maybe Luc is right? Of all the people you have ever met how many have tried to fit in with you? Should you always be the one trying to fit in with others?

Two examples from my life.

Teenage years : I tried to fit in with a group in my year group. I was miserable because I didn’t like anything they did, I was the outcast in that group because I didn’t go out drinking or smoking or anything like that.

Last few years : One friend went to a wrestling show with me just because we never really do much together so why the heck not (she loved it) and other people I’ve met and not tried to “fit in” with just been nice to have been there for me through these two horrible weeks making me much happier.

Maybe you can try too hard, then again maybe you have to put a little effort in.

Seriously though is it important to fit in? Is there a minimum or maximum number of people its normal to fit in with?

Do you fit in?

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10 thoughts on “Diary #11 : The Question of Fitting in…”

      1. I just don’t think there is any point in fitting in. Why would it matter? If you have to put effort into fitting in with people then they obviously are the wrong kind. When I found your website and started following you on Twitter and Tumblr I didn’t know half the stuff you posted because other then wrestling I had no interest in anything you did but I also didn’t then go and look it up so that I could be your friend. Even if we had nothing in common and I just stumbled upon you and wanted to be friends I wouldn’t run out to become a expert in everything you did so that I fit in with your group.

        You’re a nice person, I like to think I am so instead of fitting in we just get on with people. For me fitting in means bending yourself to fit into a gap in a group. There should just be a gap you can walk into without having to try and fit in. If you have to bend yourself to become part of their group then it isn’t a group worth having.

        1. Ah but you are of the same kind of thought process as Luc (see below) that fitting in is a term that means changing yourself to be part of a group.

          What if you take it at absolute face value. I mentioned at least two physical reasons why in a face-to-face position I wouldn’t be able to fit in even with nice people. I can’t communicate because of anxiety filled speech problems and I have a bad memory so can’t get involved with too many indepth conversations about things I myself enjoy.

          To be honest I very rarely care about things like this, I’ve been mentally weak for a little while now and it was a conversation that came up when I was having a bad moment. There are so many different places you have to fit in though. If you don’t fit into a team when you work then you become the weak link, the one that won’t communicate or people avoid. Whilst that wasn’t my problem at the BHF I’ve felt what it is like not to be in a nice position in a work place. Whereas now I “fit in” and its a joy to go to work. Again at the wrestling when I went and sat in the back row by myself (well with my mum) I enjoyed wrestling but now that I’ve found a group I fit in with I’m front row every show having a right laugh.

          Plus you have fitting into a group but surely finding someone you could spend the rest of your life with is all about finding someone you fit with. Again I guess that is based mainly on whether or not you WANT to be in a relationship, Luc is very happy being on his own and 90% of the time I feel the same. BUT if I found someone I did like… Well to be honest I wouldn’t be able to communicate with them anyway so finding a way to fit into their life isn’t going to be a problem.

          Of course I agree (I’m pretty stable today) and fitting in is over rated. I tried it at school and it made me miserable, I naturally found a group last year that I feel I belong to and I’m happy. Trying to fit in and just fitting in are probably two different things but surely what both you and Luc have described when it comes to making friends, joining groups etc is still fitting in its just not changing yourself to force yourself into a hole you don’t belong too.

          1. I guess you are right in that you can take the term any way you want.

            Fitting in at work is different from fitting in with a group of friends.

            You should never compromise to fit in but then again if you suffer from anxiety then struggling to fit in is going to be a given. You say you only care at certain points about it and its probably just a fear that you are doing something wrong, you do have friends and I like to think of myself as one now, so you do fit in its just you struggle to find the strength to put yourself out there.

            I guess I’m used to fitting in being used in a negative way. Being asked why I don’t act differently to fit in, being told I don’t fit in for various reasons and so on. Its not really ever used just as a term to mean getting on with other people but I guess it all comes under the same thing.

            This is why I hate these blogs and never usually comment on them because you guys are so good at twisting the meaning of something and making people think about bigger pictures.

            1. That’s what a discussion is dude. All about looking at the question from all sides. I’ll always promote this dude as every Saturday he runs a debate on Twitter based on a theme from a anime and so many people look at the question posed and tackle it from different angles. It makes you look at the world differently. His handle is IceburgLuffy .

              Yeah I guess that is the thing. Fitting in is made to feel like a chore when in actuality its just something that happens. In a way we do live in a society where the right face fitting in will get you places, I felt like talking to Rick that he meant if you wanted to get anywhere in life and be successful you need to be the right face but that is such a wonky way of thinking.

              Again looking at myself I’m a very nervous person, I am good at a lot of things and I know it. Looking back at what I did in my previous job I know that I can do more then I look like I can do and I’m a much stronger person then I give myself credit for.

              I don’t fit though. Who I am and what I look like isn’t what you’d expect from anyone, people look at me and see a quiet and probably unintelligent person but that’s because I can’t show them who I am. I’ll never fit any kind of place because I look like a big drop of darkness highlighted with despair with a bad haircut and uncurable acne. People think I’m 21 when I’m a month away from being 28. I’m just unfittable.

              Maybe its something we need to work on. Everyone fits in here though as we’re too lazy to not let you guys fit in with us.

              1. I’m sure you’ve told me to check that twitter account out before, I’ll have to go and take a look.

                AND statistically the majority of people WON’T have the right face. Society deems just a miniority of people as being “normal” or “fitting” when in actuallity its only because the top of our economical foodchain looks at others like themselves to class as fitting.

                In school there is a hierachy of popular kids and everyone else filing out below, that continues into adult life. You look at those popular kids though they are a miniority but they are the miniority who usually go on to be the miniority that make it outside based soley on “fitting in” because the confidence they recieve of being at the top of the food chain at school gives them the over confidence to bulldoze through life.

                If you don’t fit you can make it to the top but that is when fitting in becomes a chore instead of, as has been described, simply getting on with people. Miniority groups feel it worse but in reality a good deal of the population are in the miniority and have to work hard to fit in.

                Again you said it yourself that you can never tell another person’s struggle so you can sometimes believe that others are coping better then you when they aren’t. When you have self hatred and all the quirks you have to add to it you’ll never see that actually you aren’t a burden or people aren’t just being nice to you by letting you speak they just know that you deserve to have your say too.

                I’m now growing to hate the phrase fitting in.

                1. Discussion and debates are good for the soul dude. Man have I missed you these last few months!

                  Well there you have it!

                  It starts at school either way either professionally or personally. You have to fit in with groups and some people find that whatever it is and wherever it is in the social food chain as you put it but then others never do. I’ve always been a outcast because I’ve never been confident in my communication to find other people. When you leave school you’ve learnt what society deems as the top of this social ladder and where you are on it, you can punch above your weight by either “fitting in” or just making your own path or you can just ignore it.

                  These blogs tend to be long ass ramblings from me after seeing something or talking about something so the point kind of got away from me. Its meant to all go back to how I cope in the world with mental health issues and the serious problem I have with fitting in of any type is my communication problems which stem from anxiety to talk to people as well as my disabilities (I’m partially deaf so have trouble speaking because of that as well.)

                  I can’t actually remember what my point was in the blog or how any of this fits in, I might have to go and re-read what I wrote because (as I said in the blog) I have a bad memory and I feel like I’ve strayed far from the original point.

                  I would also like to point out I’m not that miserable about not fitting in UNLESS I’m depressed, to be honest I couldn’t give two shits about anything on a high so its only when I’m on a downer that I start to feel I should make a effort. I’m actually pretty happy being a miserable dick to be honest.

  1. I wrote a comment and for some reason it didn’t post so I’ll have to write it again.

    There is absolutely no point trying to fit in. End of story. If you have to fit in with something you are doing everything wrong. When I said the world should fit around me I meant it, I don’t bend for anyone and they shouldn’t for me, the world shouldn’t be about fitting in but just moving along side by side and not killing each other.

    People who are obsessed with fitting in are morons, they lose sight of actually living a life and spend it being petty and selling out so that they can get what society has told them is a normal life.

    You’re a fucking introvert anyway so why would you care? You don’t like being social, even getting you to show your face on Skype is a pain in the ass half the time. Thing is in our group you are the oddball, eccentric genius and we wouldn’t have you any other way even if you are fucking gorey as hell and weird.

    I’ve met people who “fit in” to anything and they are boring a shallow. I’ve slept with most of them as well and they are so needy and self absorbed.

    You on the other hand can hold a 2 hour discussion about your favourite death scenes in Nightmare on Elm Street, you can hold a fucking discussion full stop, you watch so many weird things that you can have right stupid conversations about really interesting things, you are passionate about the things you care about and your lack of empathy mixed with your depression makes you the perfect person to go to when someone needs help because you look at problems logically but actually want to help because you don’t like people feeling the way you feel. You hate the world, you hate yourself, you are a miserable fucker but it makes you a delight to be around. You can complete Adventure games without needing to look at walkthroughs.

    When you are depressed or on a high you worry about these things because you want someone to be with you but you don’t want to ever lose yourself to fit in with a crowd because you’ll be lost in it. No one wants to know a deranged ass like you or me but that’s because society has told them not to, people who actually get to know us without trying to make us one of them find out sooner then later that we’re actually fucking awesome.

    1. So a comment doesn’t post but you’ll take the time to re-write a essay but you leave notes for me to edit into reviews for you and complain when I come up with great reviews because it wasn’t what you wanted?! Pfft and you wonder why I call you a asshole!

      And disclaimer, because I read your comment and got confused for a moment. I am not one of the many people Luc has slept with, he might have slept with the majority of Plymouth and Newton Abbot combined but he hasn’t slept with me.

      I like that you think just because I’m a introvert nothing matters, its your bloody answer to everything. Thing is very obviously at times I would like to find a group that I fit into. You aren’t introverted in fact you are as far as away from a introvert as you could get and don’t want friends yet you fit into every group. You say you don’t try and people bend to you, probably correct, thing is you have the ability to communicate and you’re charismatic as hell so you can get away with it. My sister is the same.

      I don’t so fitting in becomes much harder and saying “you’ll be fine on your own” and making out other people should just accept me is lovely but impracticable. I’m not saying I want to pretend to be something I’m not to find a group of people I hate to be my friends because I did that at school and it helped me become the unbalanced monster I am today. What I’m saying is that even if I found the perfect group of people that were put on this earth purely to be my friends I wouldn’t be able to join said group because I’m not tooled with the right social skills to “fit in”.

      Again I agree that fitting in is over rated but I don’t think someone who does fit in or works hard to fit in should be treated with so much hatred. You attract shallow people because you ARE a shallow person. Its just a fact of life dude. As someone who doesn’t really have much going for them other then being introverted I’m not going to attract any fucker am I?

      Plus dude remember all these reviews coming out in your name were written by me you little shit so be nicer to me you bitch.

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