I’ve been told that no matter how comfortable you are being alone the majority of your life there will at least be one moment where you wish that you could fit in, you did fit in or you wanted to fit in.
As one of those annoying people who do and don’t everything (I do want friends, but I don’t want friends, I do want to go out with people and I don’t want to leave my house, I do want to talk to someone but I’d rather poke my eyes out then do so….) I can agree with that but I also know I’m unusual in general.
So the question becomes is it actually important to “fit in” and what does that even mean?!
Lets start this off very simple.
I DO NOT FIT IN ANYWHERE.
I said it. The rest of this blog probably argues against that but I know I don’t. I’m not sociable, I’m not likable I’m definitely not lovable. I don’t have too many friends (and who knows why they like me), I can’t speak to people, I can’t make eye contact with people to save my life which makes me look like a miserable git. No one gets my sense of humour, I’m just a downright horrible person. I can’t help it though because 99% of the time I’m that horrible person because I just a empty shell of a human with no real worth. The scary thing is there is a person underneath that shell but not even I like them so they don’t get a say in life.
This blog came about when I was talking about work with the other members of this site (they are alive just don’t do any bloody work) and one of them asked me if I feel I fit in, I just kinda shrugged and said sure, which absolutely no one took as a confirmation I fit in. When I asked them what exactly they MEANT by that every single one of them came up with a different answer.
My problem is I’m a people person in a non-people person body. I’m personable mainly because its easier to be nice to people, get on with them, be nice to them and be a positive person in their life then the drama that starts when you’re a asshole. I live by the rule that how I treat other people depends solely on them, I’m the same amount of nice to everyone but if you get assy with me I’ll be assy with you and on the other hand if you are a great person I’ll do my best to be a great person back. I don’t get the point of being two faced or kissing someone you can’t stands ass.
Fitting in for me is just being comfortable.
I’m happy when I go to work (at long last) and I’m happy when I go to wrestling shows. I feel I fit into the team at work and I feel I fit into the group at the wrestling. I DON’T feel I fit in whenever I do something crazy like go out drinking. That’s my definition of fitting in.
Then again I don’t have any friends anyway so fitting in with a crowd never bothered me. It did when I was a teenager and it brought me nothing but misery. The group I tried to fit in with were backstabbers and cruel to me because they knew I wouldn’t stick up for myself. Its why I never really trust anyone and why I probably never will. I liked rock music and wrestling, I watched F1 and would rather sit in the library reading a book then sit on the field and talk about nothing. I never let anyone take it away from me but I did try to do things to get closer to people and found myself further away from humans then ever before (as you know after doing my GCSE’s I became reclusive and didn’t really leave my house until I got work at 20.)
When I asked the lazy bums I call co-writers on this site if it was IMPORTANT that I fit in none of them agreed again! Luc said the world should just fit around him (typical ass hole reply from the biggest ass of them all), Rick said it was really important to fit in and Amanda said it depends if you meant fit in with the crowd or fit in with a group.
The overwhelming feeling I left that conversation with was that I’m doing life wrong.
Apparently I should care more, even Luc in his aggressive hatred of everything thinks other people should go and fit in with him.
This conversation came about because the last two, going on three, weeks I’ve been suffering badly from my depression. My mood is yo-yoing out of absolute control. One moment I’ll be happy, the next really depressed. Whenever it balances out its either a absolute crash from being OTT happy or trying to recover from long lasting panic attacks, the middle ground never lasts long before I’m thrown to one end of the spectrum once more. My head is in a right state and obviously the conversation as to why poked into all corners of my life.
It couldn’t have come at a worse time.
When you are already feeling down and a burden to the universe in general you don’t want to be reminded that fitting in is a thing. They always say never judge someone as you never know how they are feeling underneath their smile, I’m living proof of that (as my last diary blog pointed out) but it made me look around and see that I’m always on the outside of something. I’m always the person people tolerate being around, the person who people come to with problems. So many of my friends came out to me in school because I was the understanding one, none of those people were there for me when I needed to talk about my mental health. NOW I have one or two people I cherish more then anything and that makes me happy WHEN I remember they are there but most of them live so far away it isn’t like I can go and get a hug from them. I don’t look like a hugger so it isn’t like people know they can hug me when I’m down either.
So my problems to fitting in…
I stutter, not like proper stutter but I can’t speak clearly. Sometimes words become unpronounceable to me so I have to think quickly of a way to re-word a sentence whilst still stuttering to make sense. People have to be patient with me. It means when I meet someone I WANT to like me I won’t talk to them. That simple. I could be stood in front of my soul mate and never say a word to them because my brain will simply shut off because it knows my mouth won’t do as its told so why bother?! It means I HATE talking to people, even really nice people who are so nice even in the face of a idiot that can’t speak.
SO if I don’t talk to you it isn’t because I don’t like you its probably because I think you are really cool or I really want to get to know you but I honestly don’t want to ever communicate with you because then you’ll realise that I’m a total loser who can’t even speak properly.
Then my bad memory.
Bad memory you ask? Yes because I watch TV shows and I play video games but if you, like people always do, start quoting something at me hoping I’ll get a reference EVEN IF I JUST STOPPED WATCHING THAT ONE SCENE TWO SECONDS AGO I probably have forgotten it. For some reason not being able to remember every little thing about something makes you a fake fan of things so usually I just tell people I don’t watch anything. If its something I can blag my way around I will admit to watching it but if I think a bunch of quotes, trivia or “can you remember this joke in episode 15 of season 20” then go fuck yourself.
My passions are a little out there. I’m a wrestling fan, even worse I’m a local wrestling fan. I watch bits and pieces of WWE but mainly I go to live events or watch WCPW. No one has a bloody clue what I’m talking about! Again I’m a gamer but linked into the above and the fact I’m a Point-and-Click/Adventure/Visual Novel game fan I usually have little to talk about to other people who game because I don’t play the shoot ’em ups or FIFA. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t just think Anime is weird so there isn’t even a point in mentioning that.
I have nothing else to talk about!
I don’t go out, I don’t do anything. “What did you do last night?” I watched anime/wrestling and/or played a video game…. That’s it conversation over ESPECIALLY if they haven’t heard of any of the things I talk about. I’ve geeked myself into a corner.
Now this is different at wrestling shows but AGAIN linked to the bad memory people start talking about shit I know I’ve seen and I can’t remember it!
Long ago I gave up thinking I’d have friends or a proper relationship. Everyone knows this because I say it all the time! When I’m really down though its the only thing I want. I see other people with a proper group of friends or just that one person that they can always count on and I wonder how the fuck they managed it. Relationships are the biggest thing when you get on a right downer though, it makes you despise yourself remembering no one could ever love someone who can’t even find it in themselves to LIKE themselves. A conversation like this just murders the last flicker of happiness you find because suddenly you realise the potential you have to be important to someone else is being lost because you won’t give yourself the credit to believe anyone would want you in their life.
When that happens you start to panic about fitting in.
I can, as I just did, pinpoint WHY I don’t fit in but many people don’t. When I’m not in the deepest pit of my depression I know logically it makes no difference if I fit in or not, or maybe I’m just a idiot, because fitting in doesn’t mean jack. I can fit in just by being a nice person, listening and going about my business but I’ll never FIT IN because I haven’t found a person to fit in with.
You see people doing things together and wonder why you have never had that and blame yourself for not fitting in with other people but maybe Luc is right? Of all the people you have ever met how many have tried to fit in with you? Should you always be the one trying to fit in with others?
Two examples from my life.
Teenage years : I tried to fit in with a group in my year group. I was miserable because I didn’t like anything they did, I was the outcast in that group because I didn’t go out drinking or smoking or anything like that.
Last few years : One friend went to a wrestling show with me just because we never really do much together so why the heck not (she loved it) and other people I’ve met and not tried to “fit in” with just been nice to have been there for me through these two horrible weeks making me much happier.
Maybe you can try too hard, then again maybe you have to put a little effort in.
Seriously though is it important to fit in? Is there a minimum or maximum number of people its normal to fit in with?
Do you fit in?