Diary #8 : Where I am right now…

So first a update on the page.

Below I’ll explain the long and boring stuff (as it is a diary post and they are used for mental illness talk) but before that I’ll get down to it. We have EVERYTHING up to date. No really we do. Everyone has written every review they have needed too BUT its being held up, by me, in the drafts. As I have to double check spelling and tags and all that all the Yonderland, AHS, Ash vs Evil Dead and even just other misc posts have been piling up but with everyone working and me the way I am they’ve just been stuck in limbo.

THEREFORE I shall be doing my best to edit them over the weekend and get them out as best I can. I won’t have them all post to Facebook as most of the people who follow us on Facebook are there for wrestling reviews and nothing else (the Pride review will be out as I have actually written most of it, it’ll just be stupidly late as it is already.) I’ll try to spread them out over the next 7 or so days. I’ll try but be patient.

Why is it taking me so long?

As some people know I became unemployed at the beginning of October, I kinda hoped real badly that I’d get a temp job as the day I became unemployed my mum got a temp job at M&S and I thought you know I probably CAN find something to give me the money till XMas is over and after that I should have the money from my nans will that will keep me going till I find something permanent.

You might be able to tell as this post sounded negative from the out that this never happened.

Anyone who has read any of my mental health blogs knows that I suffer from social and paranoid anxiety as well as depression. The thing is I never totally was diagnosed with it, the GP told me that was what it was but I always shied away from getting myself officially labelled because I was in work and didn’t think it would be important. I honestly thought I’d spend the rest of my life as a sales assistant in that store.

NOW I have to go through a long process of not only finding out what is wrong with me but if its bad enough to get help for.

So I put off getting Universal Credits, in some ways I had hoped that it was obvious how much help I needed and as the ESA guys had been real good with my mum I was hoping to be put on ESA and helped back to a new job. My GP didn’t want to label me as anything so passed me onto mental health assessors who were lovely and acknowledged my bad anxiety and also wants me to be assessed in the future for autism but thought the best thing would be to go onto Universal Credits.

That is what I did on Wednesday. I signed on for the first time… Or not really signed on but went in to be told what was going to be expected of me.

What is expected of me is 35 hours of job search a week, applying for anything and everything, going to all job fares/interviews/courses they put me on and always without any hesitation answering my phone.

Before I go on I want to make it clear I 100% want to find work, this isn’t a moan because I don’t want work and I’m sure that kind of thing would be great for some people.

I’m on day 3 and its already had the worst effect on me that I could ever describe.

So let me be real with you for a moment. You all know what I look like I’m the chubby one in the photos on the Instagram feed on the right hand side of your screens. Big smile, look of confidence and just a normal person.

On the outside you probably see a normal 27 year old. I don’t feel emotions like other people. When I talked to the GP and the Mental Health Assessors I just kind of smiled and tried to tell them everything really factually. They even said I came across as confident and happy. I’ve worked for 7 years so obviously I CAN function in some way.

What you see isn’t what I am and I think that is my problem.

When I was working I wouldn’t leave the house unless I was working or with my mum. If I was working I had to get a certain bus at a certain time at a certain bus stop else I would be sick. I had to leave early to get it because I had to spend 10 minutes checking I’d locked the front door. I had structure and routine and when I wasn’t working it didn’t matter what I did as I had money coming in so my mum didn’t care if I went out or not. All other problems were swept under the rug because who cares? I was earning money and that was the important thing.

Since I left work I won’t leave the house without my mum unless its to go pick up my niece from Southway. Even then I have to leave for a certain bus to get me to Crownhill at a certain time before getting on another certain bus to get to Southway. I 100% CANNOT go into town on my own so can only commute to Southway via Crownhill. When walking to the school I am constantly having a mild panic attack. I did my best to keep away from people, I stopped talking to people and become very insular. I started to feel more disassociated then ever before, at times it felt like I was in a virtual reality game and things didn’t look real. The voices I’ve heard in my head were more frequent then ever and it wasn’t just paranoia talking to me but other voices. Even leaving the house with my mum made me ill, the few interviews I went to drained me of all energy and left me weak and immobile for days afterwards. Rejections zapped the last of my confidence until I was just waking up and surviving. When my phone rang even if it was my mum I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach and just couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I spent 90% of my life feeling dizzy. Worst of all my thoughts of suicide came back.

I’ve said no to medication as I’m paranoid I’ll overdose on them whether accidentally or on purpose. I don’t want medication around me.

The last three days… I’m no longer sleeping, I’ve had about 3 hours sleep over the last two nights. I’m paranoid that my job advisor will think I’m making things up so spend every minute of my life willing something I know I’ll be able to do to show up on Indeed.co.uk or the Job search website so I can apply for it and then hope that the application takes a long time. I’ve also been told by her that missing a phone call can get me in trouble so I sit there staring at my phone totally terrified at what might happen if it rings. Wednesday I didn’t really have time to figure out what was going on, yesterday I had a interview and tried to feel positive and used the little positiveness to get me to my sisters, she managed to make me feel like a real person again for a couple hours before coming home. I was awake till 3am pulling my hair out, it was the first time in 3 years I felt like hurting myself and the first real time I’ve ever nearly taken a step to plan killing myself. In the end I woke the whole house up shouting at myself to shut up. Today I can’t face leaving my bedroom, I went downstairs with my mum before she went to work and told her I don’t feel safe in the house, she nearly called in ill to look after me but I told her not to be silly she needs to make a good impression so they want to keep her on after XMas. I came back to my bedroom and the one time I’ve left it to get a drink I threw up because the second I stepped out my bedroom door I felt like I should be dead. It was like a tank of emotions drove over me and every voice possible in my head just screamed at me.

Sitting in my room at least for now everything is quiet. I can’t remember what I did just 3 days ago that made me happy. Its why I’m hoping to jump into editing some reviews and get them sorted will help. I then got the rejection from the job I had the interview for yesterday by e-mail and since then have just been in tears.

I no longer feel human.

That has nothing to do with the system, though it doesn’t help that my first meeting with my advisor was much more a talk about the 101 ways you can be penalised, but it doesn’t help. When my mum was on ESA I went with her to her job advisor meeting and she was really nice and helpful and wanted the best for my mum, I’m just a number to be shifted along the line as fast as possible. Whilst most normal 27 year olds can deal with it, won’t mind it and will thrive all its doing is destroying me.

I feel like there is no help. The Job Centre made it clear that they are only there to check on me and to send me things they think I need to go on or do, Universal Credits has taken all the personal help out of that system. I went to the doctor not hoping for a miracle but at least something that was going to help, instead I feel like because I wanted to be positive and was terrified of looking like I was just wasting their time they don’t realise I might need more help then I look like I do.

There is a Disability Confidence job fare on the 25th, it seems like a lifetime away especially as I have to go see my Job Advisor again next Friday anyway, I’m using that as my mile stone. I know from talking to people and reading online that I’m fretting for nothing. My Job Advisor probably has 100s of clients and she isn’t going to randomly phone me every day to check up on me so the paranoia of keeping my phone on charge and right next to me and picking it up every couple seconds needs to stop. I know that there is the greatest possibility that even if I don’t match 35 hours exactly it won’t matter as long as I’ve tried, and boy have I tried. If I can’t make myself better and stronger before the 25th then I know I have to go back to the GP and man up and take the medication. I know I’ll have to talk to someone and try to make them see that I CANNOT LEAVE THE HOUSE ON MY OWN and also can’t make myself answer the telephone. Instead of telling them my symptoms and hoping they’ll give me answers I’ll have to start telling people regardless of the possibility of something else I am paranoid and anxious and quite possibly agoraphobic. I’ll have to keep saying that I no longer feel safe and feel like I can’t even be trusted to look after my niece anymore. Β The 25th is very much the day I’m going to have to decide if I can fight my own demons or give into them completely and beg for help.

And that is me at the moment. I’m hoping today is the lowest I’m going to go and that in a few days time I’ll pick back up again. I very much doubt it but I can hope.


2 thoughts on “Diary #8 : Where I am right now…”

  1. Just a little update, strange as it is only 2 hours later, but at least a part of me is still fighting. I DID get a phone call and didn’t hesitate to answer maybe out of fear or maybe because today I just feel too empty to care. I now have a interview for Sunday which has brighten my day up a little.

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