“Dig through your couch cushions, your purse, or the floor of your car and look at the year printed on the first coin you find. What were you doing that year?”
I found a coin in my bag, it was a 50p from 2008.
It wasn’t a nice year.
I turned 19, I finished my AS levels off on the second trying at Plymouth City College but my anxiety got worse by the day till the day I went to get my results from my exams. I would like to point out the reason I had to do them a second time around was because my dad attacked me just before my original exams and I couldn’t go do them so just buried my head in the sand until I got the strength to go back and do them at College.
It was one of those moments of fate. If the bus had gotten into town I would probably have found the strength to do a second year of school and finish my A Levels, maybe even gone to university and actually become a Historian of some sort which is what I planned on doing.
The bus didn’t leave the bus stop though. It broke down. I panicked and instead of getting on the replacement bus I ran home. The results were posted to me and I didn’t sign up for the second term. I ended up being reclusive having to have someone come to the Job Centre with me to sign on whilst hiding this fact from the Job Centre in fear that they would make me out to be a looney.
After I left college long behind I spent most of my time working on my website. I loved F1 back then and had a really lovely community around me. Because the majority were around my own age we were all either in school or in work and it was nice. We didn’t have adult problems yet. It was the best year of my website/forum and a lot of fun even if in the end Lewis Hamilton won the championship. I met a lot of new people and had a lot of interesting moments even if I never left the house.
Nearer the end of the year my baby sister became pregnant with my niece. She moved her boyfriend into the house, the fact he ended up in prison before my niece was born for stamping on someone’s head to steal his mobile says all you need to know about him. I was completely invisible to everyone. Every time I tried to tell someone something important I got told that I was jealous or that I wanted to cause trouble.
My dad continued to be abusive.
All my friends were online so they were easy to get in touch with if I needed them but also very far away and I didn’t have money to escape.
There you go. Actually thinking about it 2008 was possibly the turning point in my life. 8 years on and you personally might not think I’ve done anything great with my life but for me I’ve moved on so much its unbelievable. 2008 if you told me I’d have a job where, in their own way, I’m respected and cared for or that I’d have some of the best friends in the world or that I’d be going to wrestling events all the time and talking to new people or whatever else I’d have cried because you were telling me something and I couldn’t possibly have people talking to me.
If that bus hadn’t broken down I might have gone to college for the second term, I might have ended up in university and had a normalish life.
Instead I ended up where I am. I don’t have any form of ID so I can’t even go out drinking if I wanted to go out drinking. I have now been told by more and more people that I am actually unemployable therefore its a good job I got a job in the first place. I don’t earn enough to learn to drive let alone own a car if I did learn to drive. I actually still have no life whatsoever BUT I’m not reclusive. Recently I’ve been able to talk to people without panicking. I’m getting more and more confident at work. I’m starting to get my motivation to do things back. Its slow but its getting better.
There are 2 years now till 2018 which will be 10 years from possibly the biggest year of my life. I’ll be turning 29 that year and will have one year left till I turn 30. I guess that means I have two years to prove that even when everything goes wrong and you get thrown to the bottom of the ladder you can still find a way to get back to the top. Or a top. It doesn’t matter which just as long as you are happy.
Dunno what the next step is. Possibly a good idea to get some sort of ID just in case Prince or Princess Charming shows up any time soon. No good having them sweep me off me feet if when we get to the bar I get ID’d and turned away.
One day I will be normal. One day.