Diary #5 : The Old Me

As you all know I’ve been doing a Daily Doodle since the beginning of January, I’ve also obviously decided to take my time and think about my work instead of having the lazy ass “anything will do” approach that has haunted me for the last few years.

I love scrolling through arty stuff on Tumblr. Whether its graphics, digital drawings, scribbles, hand drawn/painted stuff and everything else. I love scrolling through all the fan fiction blogs, the prompt and Imagine blogs as well as just random pieces of poetry, sayings and all sorts. I love seeing other people being creative…

For the first time in ages though it kind of made me miss the old me.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been a introvert and I’ve always been just below average creatively. I’m not saying the world lost a great talent or some such nonsense.

What I lost and what I’ve struggled so hard to try to find again has been imagination. I once had a conversation with someone who said that its just to do with my age but I don’t think that is it at all.

Let me explain properly then.

When I first became reclusive my only outlet really was working on my webpage. I’ve already talked to death about it and the problems I ended up having on it but that was what I loved to do. I made icons for the forum, the background graphics and headers, logos and all sorts. I made banners to go in peoples signatures. I made YouTube videos that actually weren’t too bad. Nearly every single day I’d write something. Some of the things I wrote were completely crazy, others did the job they needed to do and some were actually quite profound. I used to write all the time, even at work I’d be working on something on a bit of paper whilst waiting for customers to come to the desk or phone up. At lunch I’d constantly be scribbling away at something.

When the problems on the other webpage started was when I stopped.

It might have been more to do, at the time, with the feeling of not being what my audience wanted any more. To be honest the people I was talking to went from caring about someone’s career to wanting to gossip about how terrible his girlfriend was or how ugly another driver was. They didn’t really care any more and it hurt.

I had kind of turned my hobby into the only form of communication I could muster. Through my writing I could get people to understand me easily. People from all over the world interacted with this saddo from Plymouth, England who couldn’t even leave her house without hospitalizing herself.

When that was taken away from me I felt like my world had ended.

From the day I wrote my last post on there… Possibly before that to be honest, I just haven’t had a creative twinge in my body.

Trying to find a way to motivate myself again is hard, obviously you can see I’ve been trying to do that and so far have gone 19 days with doing something creative whether its good or not. It serves no purpose to me now though, it feels empty when I do it. I don’t feel much joy over most of what I do and in all things I have done I have yet to find a new way to communicate.

I guess I haven’t really lost my imagination. I’ve lost my motivation. I started off doing it because I felt it was the only thing I was good at, I found people who liked it and for the first time in my life I made friends, I had people praise something I’d done and I felt like I thought normal people would feel. Then those same people turned it into a chore, made me feel bad about myself and finally took the joy out of it for me.

Looking back I want to be as creative and to try to connect with people in a similar way but after the experience I had I guess I now feel scared to do so.

When writing I tend to write in hyperbolic statements to get over my feelings. Instead of telling you why I liked something I’d pick it apart to let you know the tiniest detail and make it sound much better then it probably was, but I do it because through the eyes of someone who doesn’t tend to feel happy very often something that truly brings joy to me will seem overly simplistic to other people.

Problem with that is that people take you the wrong way.

The second someone takes one thing I’ve said the wrong way is that I worry about how they’ll read everything else I write. I’m then stuck re-reading things trying to figure out how someone else would take them and I lose my voice in the process. I stop being me and start being someone pretty boring and bland, which is also me but the me I project to the world to protect myself. If people think I’m boring they won’t think anything else of me, I don’t want that with my writing yet I let myself get scared into doing it.

In a round about way I guess I’m saying this.

I used the one talent I had to communicate to the world, I found out I was quite good at it and managed to make friends for the first time in my life. Then unfortunately I found out the hard way that sometimes people can be dicks but before that I let them suck the fun out of the one thing I loved doing. Between that and now my depression, anxiety and everything else has become worse. Now I want to go back to doing creative things and communicating with people in the only way I know how, a bad experience that I don’t want to repeat refuses to let me do that. Its a mental block I need to pass.

BUUUUTTT I kinda of promised myself that for every blog like this I write which has a kind of upset tone to it I’d try to find a positive and here is one. Through my reviews of the Plymouth wrestling show I go to see one of the other people that goes found me, he figured out who I was because he was sat behind me and obviously saw the photos I’d taken. That guy then talked to me this Sunday at the event I went to and we’re pretty much as friendly as I get. I didn’t pass out or cry when he talked to me and he says he enjoys the reviews. PLUS he has to have read them all the way through because the final paragraph in the last one was aimed at him and he had read it.

SOOO one step forward?

I have managed to communicate myself to meeting and becoming “wrestling friends” with one person and at the time I’d only written 4 wrestling reviews.

The question then becomes why that can’t motivate me to go one step further? Will I be able to use that as a stepping stone?

Strangely I was asked on Ask.Fm (it was a daily question, no ones asked me shit on there to be honest) if I could lose a sense what one would I choose to lose and I jokingly said common sense as people seem to be so happy without it. The one thing that seems to hold me back is taking myself too seriously. Not wanting people to laugh at me, not wanting to seem needy or over the top or in your face. Maybe that is my problem. Maybe I need to be me more loudly? Strip off the doubt, forget the worries and just shout to the worldΒ who I am? Is my problem that I’m not direct enough? I guess there is a fine line and I don’t want to cross it but at the same time I’ve drawn my own line about 1000 feet behind that bloody line and decided that I should stand another 1000 feet behind THAT line just in case someone notices me.

So for all you smarty pants out there. All you imaginative types, confident people and people that just don’t give a toss. Tell me this….

What do you think I should change? Am I doing something right? Am I doing something REALLY wrong? Where should my line be and where should I be aiming for? How do you get over something that makes you doubt yourself and probably most importantly how do you motivate yourself to carry on? Especially after a few years of letting your doubt and hatred of yourself win out?

I’d love some advice!


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