I’ve been thinking a lot recently. I write on here about my depression and anxiety all the time, its even in some of my non-personal blogs. I’m not afraid to speak about how I feel and one of the biggest problems my conditions all joined together leaves me with is a obsessive personality.
Now I’ve started to wonder, with some of the people viewing the blog and leaving messages being from my own city and that I could possibly meet at any point whether its a good idea to actually open myself up so much.
I’m not planning on stopping. One reason I started and the reason I refuse to stop is that so many people just WON’T talk about mental health. They don’t want to hear the conflicting, confusing and scary things that go on inside my head and my heart. If I stop talking about it for fear of how people will judge me I’ve let not only my illness win but the people that DO judge win.
I write about my problems on here because I don’t have people to talk to. It doesn’t matter if people talk back to me or not because I feel like I’ve gotten what I need to off my chest. Something that won’t happen if I didn’t write about it.
There comes a point though where you just fear that someone will read what you wrote and suddenly their first impression is made without actually meeting you.
What I write is meant to show people the pain and troubles I have inside me, to show people that you just can’t judge someone by their appearance because the pain they have inside can be very well hidden. What happens though if people who read this just see the inside struggle and not a person at all?
Especially if they take the wrong impression away.
Instead of seeing obsessive passion towards things that bring joy because they can’t find joy in the majority of their life, what if they see a deranged idiot babbling on?
Instead of seeing someone talking freely about trying to save their life what if they just see a attention seeker?
It might be easy for people to say “those are the kind of people you want to avoid” but what if its a whole community of people? What if its people that you WANT to know? Not only that but you don’t know which ones have and haven’t! For all you know the reason you end up sat on your own the whole time is because the whole room has judged you as deranged, then again maybe some of them have and some of them haven’t….
Its a scary thing that the things you write online could possibly colour someone’s judgement of you. Not even really just when it comes to talking about me personally. Our site is a fan page so we offer our opinion on everything, it isn’t just a straight forward “is this good or bad?” we open up about what we like and don’t like. What if I met someone who truly dislikes my opinion on One Punch Man or a opinion I have on One Piece? What if someone has read one of my many rants on Rebecca (One Piece) and completely disagree with me?
To think I can stand in a room of people who have read what I’ve written and who have already made personal judgements of me terrifies me.
Its made me in the last week or so edit another three or four times before posting purely because I’m worried what someone will think of me through what I write. The sad thing is that I have a good heart and am a decent person but sometimes its easier to just label someone ‘weird’ or ‘to be avoided’ because its easier then to understand that you might not be able to tell that much about people just from reading something or looking at them.
Either way my first impression isn’t going to be good.
Meet me in real life and I can’t help but look either scared or angry all the time. My face rests in a upset/pissed off kind of look (yeah I have natural resting bitch face) but because I’m so shy and terrified that if I start to talk I’ll forget how to talk or will stutter you might think I just don’t want to know.
Read about me on here and you could walk away with the opposite view that I want you too. I don’t want you to think I’m a brave soul fighting for mental health I just want you to understand who I am, but what if you read something I’ve written on Shanks or one of the many wrestlers or actors I like and think “man that is one crazy fan girl to avoid”.
Sometimes it feels like it would be easier not to write anything that might be picked up in a community that I want to be part of. If there isn’t disclaimer after disclaimer so people understand our sense of humour, our way of speaking and other such things then its easy to take the words we write in any kind of way you want.
I guess therefore it isn’t a fear of sharing but of the perceptions that you leave people with.
Then again that in itself is hard because at the end of the day I kind of want to leave a impression of myself through my blogs on people. I want them to know what I like, how I feel and who I am. I don’t get that chance in life to stand up and say “this is me, like it or lump it” because I don’t have the confidence and I’d rather go unnoticed then put myself forward. I’d love to have the confidence to do it but I don’t. Therefore the blog and everything I do on here is my chance to say “hey this is me and I’m proud of who I am.” So should I worry so much about it?
I know its just my anxiety, I don’t like the unknown, I don’t like things being out of my control and I hate not knowing how people think about me.
Guess the question I have to ask is what you guys think of me whilst reading my blogs? Should I be worried about how I come across? Is there a limit of what you should share and what you shouldn’t share?
I’m not really too sure of that myself any more.