I hate feeling helpless. 2015 was a year when I felt it so often that it became too normal a feeling to have.
The very last time was over New Years. I had to watch a friend deteriorate in health from so far away. I couldn’t go to help them, nothing I said made a difference. Their life was meaningless to them and I was so very worried I was going to wake up one day to find out something horrible had happened.
It wasn’t the first time this has happened but it was the first time in a long time that I was truly scared.
There was nothing I could do other then to talk to the person and you don’t realise how hard that is till you are face to face with someone who can hardly remember who they are through the tears and the pain they are going through. Skype is a blessing as is face time but it is nothing compared to being there in person. The feeling of wanting to reach through the computer screen and just hug the person in question till they realised how much I cared about them drove me crazy.
Possibly the most horrible thing about it though is that through the depression and the hate filled tears that my friend was going through, in her moments of clarity she felt just as helpless as me. She felt helpless in life and she felt helpless because she knew she was hurting her friends and her mental state refused to give her the words to communicate to us that she loved us and understood what we were trying to say to her.
The thing with helplessness though is that it doesn’t last. For some people its hard for them to believe that. Sometimes the feeling of helplessness can go on so long its hard to remember what hope and happiness feels like, so when we finally got a few smiles out of my friend, when she finally started to show some happiness and especially now just a week later where she is basically her old happy self, so far as people with severe mental disabilities can be, the feeling of helplessness is replaced by a joy that can not be described.
I just wish there was more I could do!