Diary #3 : Little things….

With today being New Years Eve I truly hope everyone that suffers from anything horrible stays safe. Just because the world tells you something is normal doesn’t mean anything about you if you can’t do it. Don’t let anyone tell you that going out and having a kiss at midnight is the only way to celebrate the new year, whatever you do make sure you feel comfortable and safe. However you choose to, or are forced to, celebrate the new year is OK and will be perfectly special for you.

OK so first off I know I said I was going to write two more blogs with stories on how my confidence had been knocked recently. Thing is I wrote the first one at like 1am and went to bed, everything was so clear in my head and when I woke up I just couldn’t put anything else into words. I’m hoping the two stories will be up at some point but right now I just can’t put what I need to into words without sounding like a moany little bitch, or at least I feel like I sound like a moany little bitch and therefore don’t want to post it till I’ve found a way to write it without sounding that way.

Soooo I has written about something else.

The title of this blog magically kinda is special in itself. Its the theme of the post I was reading when the idea came to me as well as being about posts on places like Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook that strangely help.

So you might know by now that I’ve had some problems with Tumblr all year, I’ve never had a problem with Twitter and rarely care enough about Facebook. All three have this way of spitting up “motivational” quotes that sometimes hit you like a brick in the gut.

It was one such post that caught my eye.

Created by “My-Patronus-is-a-computer” on Tumblr it ran like this :

there’s no such thing as a stupid reason not to kill yourself.

your school sells cookies on thursdays? your favorite band is coming out with a new album? you’re still saving up for that tattoo? there’s still five sodas in your fridge and it’d be a shame to let them go to waste? you want to see the season finale of that show you love? keep living.

your reasons don’t have to be big, if they mean anything to you then they’re good reasons.

It was added on by others, as these things tend to get added onto, and once more like most posts about depression, suicide, anxiety etc on Tumblr had the most positive feeling behind it that it made me cry. It made me think about days when I want to give up and about little things in my life that could save me.

I’ve seen in other places that people laugh at people like me that reblog/retweet (I don’t really share anything on Facebook to be honest) things like this. They think we’re depressing and that we have no life.

Well OK I am depressing and I don’t have a life but that is besides the point.

The point I’m making is that you might laugh at people that do reblog/retweet these things because you think they are looking for attention or the people writing them wrote them for hollow reasons to get notes/retweets/likes. I’m one of the people though who truly will scroll through a feed when depressed and things like this, as hollow as they might be, DO make a significant difference. Because you know what? I don’t have anyone that will say those things to me, I do but I don’t like making it known that I need that kind of pep speech. So it helps. When I reblog it I do so because I DO care so I like to think the people I follow DO care as well. If it makes me stop and think then hopefully it’ll make others and that is what is important.

Its like those posts that seem to be rambly or make no sense but somehow after you’ve finished you look at it and go “actually, yes, that makes so much sense.”

This one in general made me think. Right now there isn’t much, even little things, I can grab onto. I do when I buy tickets to go see wrestling but other then that not too much really now. It used to be F1. How many days till a F1 race? How long till I see Fisichella race again?  All year round it was just a countdown to the next race, next event, next test…. I miss that kind of thing, with the F1 I also had a whole community to talk to whereas I don’t have anyone really to talk to about the wrestling events I go to because all my friends live nowhere near me.

I’m no real use at work, I make way too many mistakes and feel like I’m going to be the person made redundant if we go down a earning bracket as I’m just bloody useless. If I died my sister would just move back in with my mum or my mum would move in with my nan and cousin, there isn’t anything I do specifically at all that I can hold onto. Everything I do on here is minimal, someone else has said/done/reviewed whatever it is I’m doing 100x better elsewhere.

Look at the post again though and even though everyone always says “think of something you look forward to” things like the fact I AM saving money to go to other wrestling shows and maybe a convention or two next year, I still have about 6 beers left from Christmas that my sister will just take if I’m not here, I truly can’t wait for Kingdom Hearts III to come out and I still haven’t completed FallOut 4 or made a friend on World of Warcraft. I never looked at things like that as reasons to keep living, if half the people who told me to pick something and look forward to it heard I still had beer left and therefore can’t die else my sister will take them they’d laugh at me thinking I was taking the piss. Truth is though they are things that will just take your mind off it all.

Think of it like this. I feel like I want to die but I’ve got 6 beers left, I don’t drink very often but I’m not going to die till they’ve been drunk. When they are gone I’ll still probably be waiting for Kingdom Hearts III or to make a friend on World of Warcraft. After those? There will probably be 100 other small things that I can carry on distracting myself with.

A hollow gesture maybe but when there is no grand thing to look forward too many smaller things might just be the ticket.

In fact as I write this blog there IS something that I’ve got to look forward too.

I brought the Shepard’s Crown the second it came out, as I do with all Discworld books, but refuse to read it until I’ve reread every other Discworld book once more seeing its the last book we’ll ever get. I read The Colour of Magic ages ago but have lost my copy of The Light Fantastic so this will probably take me forever to do but I’m 100% not going to die before I finish reading the Discworld books fully. By the time I get through all those (or find the ones I’ve lost) who knows what else I’ll have to keep me alive?

I never thought of it that way until I saw a stupid Tumblr post about it. If I reblog it and someone that follows me see’s it and it makes them feel better like it did me then who really is the idiot for reblogging it?

Others that I found by going through my likes and blog on Tumblr…

This one from nikki-cim (you kind of have to click the link to that one as its got a picture on it and I didn’t want to steal it and don’t have the time to message them and ask if I could use it for the blog!) :

I suffer from all of these things and it does hurt getting called an attention seeker and crazy. I never asked for all these things to come into my life. But all these things and everything that has happened to me in the past has made me stronger and made me a fighter.

Again its more about the things you hear. People have so many negative opinions on these things that you get scared to talk to people openly about your depression, anxiety or anything else. People laugh at me when I try to explain who I am, because they either haven’t thought about it, don’t know about it or are just happy being the way they are and its easy to explain they hear me babble on about something and think I’m just trying to get attention. Nothing could be further from the truth, I try and explain who I am purely because its ME. I want people to know me for who I am, how can I learn to love myself if I hide myself for someone else’s convenience?

The more I do it though and the more people, even if scouffingly, take it on board the stronger I get.

bpdeath ‘s post is one I’ve only recently seen and kind of sums up why I get upset with the way people see some of the jokes thrown at me by my friends :

How about a shout out to the people who have “ugly” symptoms like obsessing over others, having fits of rage, idolizing people, debating their validity constantly, crying over the tiniest things, depending on others for validation. Shout out to the people who are so frustrated with not being able to control their own mind. You guys rock. I understand that feeling and I’m here for you.

I can’t help the way my brain works, obsessing over things seems stupid to some people but its the way my mind helps me. I can’t make myself stop being who I am, when something makes me happy I obsess over it, I cry over everything and I do need to hear others tell me I’m wanted or needed because I personally don’t want or need myself.

Just-tending-my-unicorns posted something that made me laugh but something that I think some people forget. A lot :

telling someone with anxiety to stop panicking is like asking a cow to piss out milkshake

The amount of times people tell me just to stop panicking is stupid. If I could stop panicking do you think I would be panicking?

Its the same with my social anxiety. People tell me I should just go out and meet people……………….

My niece once told me, in the cutest way possible that it was easy. Just go up to someone and say “I want to be your friend” unfortunately, and I hated trying to have to explain to a four year old (this was a few years back) that it doesn’t quite work like that when you become a adult. Even if it did getting the courage to do that is hard.

I wrote about the importance of Zoro on Instagram the other week when I posted a photo of a drawing I made of him :

Happy with it 😊 #OnePiece and#Zoro in particular mean so much to me as he never gives up. His goal is to be the best and not be defeated until then. When he did lose he got back up and tried again and he didn’t think twice asking for the man that nearly killed him help to be the best.
There is so much in life I gave up on because of my depression and not having the strength to carry on, I burdened myself with so much when I was a teenager because I wanted to be something and burnt myself out. I left school with no friends and serious mental health issues. Since finding One Piece I’ve found the strength not to give up. It’s cheesy and stupid but it’s true.
I don’t know where my life is going, probably nowhere. I only have a handful of friends (better than none!) And no prospect for the future. I have nothing to show for 26 years on this earth, still live at home with my mum and spend most of my time fighting my depression. It’s why I draw Zoro so much, when I’m so upset and don’t know what to do, the scary moments when I start to think I’d be better off gone, drawing Zoro is like drawing strength inside myself.
So yeah… That’s my soul laid bare for the day. One day I’ll find a meaning in my life. I won’t stop working till I find my meaning and wherever it is I belong. #Art#Drawing #Depression #Anxiety

Which brings me to something sleepingswordsman-craptasticcook wrote (again click the link for the picture!) :

“As time passes, the day will come when everything will fade to memories. But those miraculous days, when you and I, along with everyone else, searched together for just that one thing, will continue revolving forever somewhere deep in my heart, as my bittersweet memory.” 

-Hachimitsu to Kuroba (Honey and Clover)

Its another thing that kind of just helps me. I don’t know why I took to Fairy Tail and One Piece the way I did. I guess being alone meant that things written about a group of people relaying on each other just meant a little more to me then anything else I could possibly read. Again people laugh when I write about OUR adventure, MY family etc etc but for me Fairy Tail and One Piece are just about as real as anything else in my life.

I don’t care if people find that stupid because its very much how I feel. The things that the characters go through, the stories that are told touch me. It gives me strength that I can’t find myself and I don’t care if Luffy is the creation of someone else’s imagination and isn’t real but when he tells people they can be strong they just have to go out there and be strong I listen to him.

People in real life have always looked down on me for not fulfilling my potential or living my life the way they think I should but I feel that Luffy is real to me and he never looks down on anyone. Again, its because I don’t have that. I never have. I come from a abusive family setting, never really had friends growing up, became introverted and reclusive and has since struggled to find a way out of the hole I’ve dug myself into. Real life people have just told me to get over it, get on with it, do this or do that. They think I’m weak because I can’t do it but things like the two mangas above and Doctor Who has always made me feel like my time will come I just need to keep working for it.

That is pretty much all though I guess. I’ve talked way too much and doubt anyone will want to read all this! I might re-visit this theme some other time.

For all the Tumblr users that I’ve posted links and quotes from if you want me to delete the quotes/links just let me know! I’ve linked directly to the posts so I’m hoping that is OK!

I guess I will leave you with this which kind of goes with my opening statement from youareperfectthewayyouare :

To everyone suffering today

I am so sorry that eating disorders don’t take a break for the holidays.

I am so sorry that depression doesn’t take a break for the holidays.

I am so sorry that no mental illnesses take a break for the holidays and you have to suffer today.

Please take care of yourself today. I’m rooting for you.

And once more…

It is truly OK not to celebrate New Years or any holiday in the way people romanticise. Half the people romanticising it won’t get the perfect holiday either.

Normality is what you make of it, what is normal for them won’t be normal for you and its OK not to do these things, to not want to do these things or not be able too. Its also OK to be sad and to let the world know your sad if you want that but can’t have it. It is always OK to be honest about how you feel.

I am neither going out for New Years and I doubt I’ll ever have a New Years kiss but you know what? It doesn’t bother me half as much when I know I’ll spend the evening on Skype with some of my best friends.

Look for little things to get you through the day. Be selfish and think about yourself, talk about yourself, express yourself in whatever way you want to. Its your life, don’t let other people tell you how you should be living it. Keep positive and try to find something to keep you smiling!



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