So three things have happened in the last month or so that have completely destroyed any positive work I’ve done in the last year to gain a little bit of confidence and try to find happiness within myself.
I’ve decided to write three separate blogs about the incidents because they are kind of long stories and also three very different blows to my confidence that deserve to have the time taken to explain them in full.
The first one happened between me and someone that I’ve known for longer then a year now. The guy has always been rather rough in his opinion, he kind of is one of those guys that like to be a ass hole and upset people on purpose but the second he hasn’t just upset you but made you angry at him he whimpers like a scorned child.
We got on. He hated the whole world and I just tolerated hearing him moan. He had his moments but he wasn’t really a FRIEND of any sort. We liked video games, shared some other common interests and hardly spoke to each other.
BUT and I guess this is the important bit… He was one person I could count on to be able to talk to.
I’ve said it many times but I don’t really have any friends. When I’m upset I don’t have many people to turn too and the ones I do have, because I’m so scatter brained at times and forget to reply back to when we’re talking, I feel bad burdening with my problems when I’ve probably forgotten to reply to one of theirs.
This guy was different. I never told him anything that personal, when I did he scoffed at it and told me I was stupid, but if I was really down or crying or whatever and just needed my mind taken off it I could talk to him about video games or movies and he’d rant and rave, I’d half heartedly try to stick up for whatever he hated at that point and somewhere in the middle we’d have a bit of a giggle and my mind would be taken off the shit.
When all this happened I hadn’t gone to him. I was actually in quite a positive mood. I’d texted him my new number the week before and he’d even replied to me but seemed to have both my numbers on his phone and had sent me a load of messages on my iPhone. He’d basically found my profile on Plenty of Fish and wanted to laugh at how terrible it was so I thought “who cares? I know it is and I know I’m never gonna meet anyone on there so let him laugh.” I know my profile page is terrible, I can’t sell myself so I go for a honest approach which comes across as “fat chick that will never get any so trying to be funny” which is only partly true – I don’t care being asexual if I never get any but I do over compensate my lack of personality by trying to be funny!
I’m not funny.
So that didn’t bother me.
Then the sex jokes started. Or at least he said it was a joke when I got offended. He started sending me messages on PoF about how he’d sleep with me, I laughed it off and told him I was waiting for a Asher Forrester (yes I’m obsessed with him!) look-a-like to come find me and had no time for scrawny Germans. He then sulked a little so I changed the conversation, for some reason the fact I liked FallOut 4 proved to him that I needed to have sex with someone.
I mean really?! FallOut 4 is a great game.
Not wanting to misread his “joke” any longer I just told him that I’m asexual, I don’t have a sex drive so I’m not looking just to have sex with someone.
Its true as well. There are probably only about three people I’ve met (in the loosest possible meaning of the word) and felt sexually attracted to them, one person I made a bond with and became sexually attracted to them but on the whole the reason I say I’m pretty much asexual is that I have no real interest in it. I don’t hate it, I don’t never want to have it ever in my life, I just don’t think about it. I don’t have the urge to go out and sleep with people.
Cue the long rant about how he’s REALLY good at sex (he promises!) and that is all I need. Someone REALLY good at it. He’ll cure me of my asexuality he really would.
I told him he was being disrespectful and I don’t find it funny so if it was a joke he should just shut up. I told him belittling me and how I’m programmed isn’t what a friend would do.
Right on time that little voice in the back of my head started chipping away at me, reminding me that obviously the problem was I’m just not normal. So he had already had the opposite effect of what he usually did on me. Instead of taking my mind off of how much I despise myself he gave me even more reason to do so.
For some reason, and it was pretty late by then, I kept on texting him and we got onto the subject of my depression. A few more good laughs here and there about it, of course by this time I was crying. I opened up, in anger, about being told by the district nurse a few weeks prior that she’s worried that I’m suicidal. I’d had to actually take a good long look at myself and understand how low I’d actually came in such a short period of time. I don’t know why I told him this but it just came out.
This guy who said he was my friend. This guy who told me I should lighten up more and just be happy. The first thing out of this guys mouth when I said that my nurse thinks I’m suicidal was “well why don’t you just kill yourself?”
In the end I just wrote a long message telling him how he was out of order and blocked him from everywhere. From my two phones, from Steam, from Facebook… Everywhere.
The effects are still felt now.
For a brief moment after he said that I looked at myself and my life and thought why the hell not? I then got angry at myself. Its safe to say I didn’t sleep much that night, or any night for a good two weeks after that.
Obviously there was a lot more to the conversation then just that and it was like he chipped away slowly at me. Questioning the way I felt, laughing at me because I wasn’t “normal”, and the final blow to it all telling me that not only should I just die but if he was suicidal he’d be braver then I am and kill himself. He told me I’m a coward because I wouldn’t and he’s right. Well he was wrong but he’s right. I am a coward. I back away from things that scare me because I know I’ll make a fool of myself.
The thing is though you can’t just look at the world and run away from things that make you scared. That is why I’m on my own. I won’t go and join a conversation with someone if I think I’m going to stutter, knowing that I do that quite often means I never join a conversation. I won’t introduce myself to someone new because I don’t believe I have anything interesting to give to their life, knowing that I’m a shit friend anyway means that I never meet new people. I’m constantly in fear of being judged and people thinking I’m some half wit loser who can’t even string a sentence together that I’ve become a half with loser who can’t even string a sentence together.
Now I said this guy wasn’t really a friend but you’d be amazed when you have no friends how anyone that tolerates your presence (or classes you as a friend) becomes semi-important to you. At the time my other friends all had shit going down in their lives and I had no one else to talk to, I had no one to get angry with and start screaming down the house. I was just lying in my dark bedroom at like 1am crying on my own. Someone that tolerated me and that I’d spent over a year making some kind of bond with just didn’t care how I felt.
It started me on a real downward spiral. I couldn’t make myself happy no matter what I did. I tried listening to Christmas songs, focusing on positive things that were about to happen and in general just trying to cheer myself up.
Every day I got a little more depressed until I just spent the majority of the day bursting into tears. I spent more time in the toilet at work crying then I did doing anything else. I’d blank out the world if I wasn’t crying and just stare into space. I’d start doing something just to lose track of what it is.
Even right now ages after it all happened I still lie in bed thinking about those text messages.
You are only kidding yourself if you believe you can have any confidence whatsoever when you lie in bed wishing you were dead because you had no reason to be alive any more…
This is only part one though. I won’t keep you waiting too long for parts 2 and 3 they’ll all be here in a few days. I’ll get to my general point in part 3…
That was the end of one bond I had with another person. I don’t have many so losing someone from my social group hits hard. Its one less person I have to talk to. I don’t really know how to deal with it and most of the people I’ve talked to about it have told me that the only way is to go out there and find someone else to take his place. How the hell do people do that? Not so much just replacing someone but just go out there and find someone?! The people that say it to me make it sound so easy!! I’ve never EVER in my LIFE just walked out my door and been able to talk to someone and make friends. Even in structured places aimed at meeting people I fail. I don’t hide the fact that I’m as socially inept as they come yet people still insist that I should just go OUT THERE (wherever that might be) and find someone new to talk to and befriend.
Shit I get nervous when people tweet me let alone going out into the real world and finding a new friend.
That is enough of that though. As I said part 2 won’t be too far away!