So the first post in my new series of blogs and its about one of my favourite subjects to bleat on about.
BUT there is also some progress from back when I did my weekly blogs that has made me much happier.
One of my biggest battles with my depression is getting out of bed in the mornings. It isn’t that I don’t wake up or that I don’t want to wake up its just getting up. I wake up and from that second I either don’t want to be me any more, I don’t want to face the world or else I want to be dead.
It sounds very over the top but its just the truth.
At work I’ve talked to people about it before, a lot of the people I work with are morning birds and get up at the stroke of dawn, when I’ve tried to explain why sometimes I’ll be awake from 6am but in bed till 12pm they don’t get it. They think I’m lazy. They don’t want to hear that psychologically its just impossible for my brain to control the rest of my body, and even if it did sometimes that might not be the best of ideas, so lying prone in bed crying is about the only thing I physically CAN do.
As I’ve talked about all year really the big problem is then I feel totally under motivated. I write this blog during a week off work, in fact I’ve had two weeks off work, this being my last week off for the year. On Sunday I stayed up till 4am watching Survivor Series live on the WWE Network so knew I’d be waking up late Monday. When I did wake up late (but not that late) on Monday even though I knew I was going to be doing it I felt completely empty inside, nothing could kind of push me forward to something better. I just felt totally empty. So instead of watching RAW which I had decided I would do seeing I didn’t have to do anything Tuesday I went to bed early and ended up tossing and turning all night.
I then slept through all my alarms and didn’t wake up till 11am on Tuesday, which was later then I woke up on Monday for no actual reason. I didn’t have a headache so I didn’t oversleep meaning who bloody knows when I actually got to sleep during the night.
Did I get out of bed?
No I spent the next 40 minutes in tears because I had about 100 things to do and I knew that I wouldn’t get even half of them done now. So I wasted another 40 minutes crying about having no time to do things then another 5 minutes beating myself up for wasting 40 minutes!
The problem is I know I only have a limited amount of time. Last week I didn’t have any kind of countdown in my head to going back to work but this week I do. I know after today there will only be 7 days before I go back and then my life is all about the in betweens of working. I live far enough away from work that it means that if I don’t wake up extremely early I won’t get anything done before I head out and if I have a bad day I won’t do anything in the evening.
When I don’t work I have the middle part of the day all to myself so when I waste it, which I tend to do, by the time people start getting home and we have to watch TV or do this or do that and I need to pay more attention to that then I do to what I’m doing then I feel worthless. Then again it doesn’t even always work like that. People don’t realise sometimes how long it takes to do one simple task.
Not having many friends or hobbies…. Or anything really worth while doing in my life, I tend to focus on doing stuff for this site more often then not. Blogs don’t get written in minutes though. Something like this will take a good 30 minutes to write a draft of, then I have to look over it a good three or four times and make sure it makes sense. When you get to blogs where you have to watch something or hark back to earlier blogs, play something or just add photos to it then the task takes up to a hour if not longer (the wrestling blog took a good 5 hours because of processing photos.)
Time becomes my greatest enemy because I tend to clock watch and the second something has taken my attention away for longer then 30 minutes between looking at the time the more depressed I get. I don’t know why, I don’t think I’ll ever understand why. I’ve tried to sort my time out better and to work on not lying in bed crying or staring into space. I cut Tumblr out of my life because I realised I used it as a excuse to stare at nothing saying that I was staring at something. The only reason I don’t do the same with Twitter is because I love to Tweet (I didn’t really Tumblr anything.) I tend to look at my phone, turn it on, look at my apps then turn it off about three or four times in a row before realising that I’d done it and putting my phone down just to reach for it and do it again three or four minutes later.
I’ve been told I need to focus not on time but on what I’m doing instead. At work I’m happy to see moments fly by but if I’m so depressed seeing them fly by at home then I need to focus more on the quality of what I’m doing and not the time its taking me to do it.
The good news that I said I had was that recently I have been getting up at 5-6am, I have been going bed slightly earlier then I used to and I’ve felt better about it. It was a shift that I really was trying to make happen and thankfully it has now. Just not all the time.
So how do you do that? In a world that tells you that time is precious how do you stop yourself worrying about losing time? Is there a good way to plan your day? And if you suffer from depression is there a good way to focus yourself on that plan?