Diary #1 : Never Enough Time

So the first post in my new series of blogs and its about one of my favourite subjects to bleat on about.

BUT there is also some progress from back when I did my weekly blogs that has made me much happier.

One of my biggest battles with my depression is getting out of bed in the mornings. It isn’t that I don’t wake up or that I don’t want to wake up its just getting up. I wake up and from that second I either don’t want to be me any more, I don’t want to face the world or else I want to be dead.

It sounds very over the top but its just the truth.

At work I’ve talked to people about it before, a lot of the people I work with are morning birds and get up at the stroke of dawn, when I’ve tried to explain why sometimes I’ll be awake from 6am but in bed till 12pm they don’t get it. They think I’m lazy. They don’t want to hear that psychologically its just impossible for my brain to control the rest of my body, and even if it did sometimes that might not be the best of ideas, so lying prone in bed crying is about the only thing I physically CAN do.

As I’ve talked about all year really the big problem is then I feel totally under motivated. I write this blog during a week off work, in fact I’ve had two weeks off work, this being my last week off for the year. On Sunday I stayed up till 4am watching Survivor Series live on the WWE Network so knew I’d be waking up late Monday. When I did wake up late (but not that late) on Monday even though I knew I was going to be doing it I felt completely empty inside, nothing could kind of push me forward to something better. I just felt totally empty. So instead of watching RAW which I had decided I would do seeing I didn’t have to do anything Tuesday I went to bed early and ended up tossing and turning all night.

I then slept through all my alarms and didn’t wake up till 11am on Tuesday, which was later then I woke up on Monday for no actual reason. I didn’t have a headache so I didn’t oversleep meaning who bloody knows when I actually got to sleep during the night.

Did I get out of bed?

No I spent the next 40 minutes in tears because I had about 100 things to do and I knew that I wouldn’t get even half of them done now. So I wasted another 40 minutes crying about having no time to do things then another 5 minutes beating myself up for wasting 40 minutes!

The problem is I know I only have a limited amount of time. Last week I didn’t have any kind of countdown in my head to going back to work but this week I do. I know after today there will only be 7 days before I go back and then my life is all about the in betweens of working. I live far enough away from work that it means that if I don’t wake up extremely early I won’t get anything done before I head out and if I have a bad day I won’t do anything in the evening.

When I don’t work I have the middle part of the day all to myself so when I waste it, which I tend to do, by the time people start getting home and we have to watch TV or do this or do that and I need to pay more attention to that then I do to what I’m doing then I feel worthless. Then again it doesn’t even always work like that. People don’t realise sometimes how long it takes to do one simple task.

Not having many friends or hobbies…. Or anything really worth while doing in my life, I tend to focus on doing stuff for this site more often then not. Blogs don’t get written in minutes though. Something like this will take a good 30 minutes to write a draft of, then I have to look over it a good three or four times and make sure it makes sense. When you get to blogs where you have to watch something or hark back to earlier blogs, play something or just add photos to it then the task takes up to a hour if not longer (the wrestling blog took a good 5 hours because of processing photos.)

Time becomes my greatest enemy because I tend to clock watch and the second something has taken my attention away for longer then 30 minutes between looking at the time the more depressed I get. I don’t know why, I don’t think I’ll ever understand why. I’ve tried to sort my time out better and to work on not lying in bed crying or staring into space. I cut Tumblr out of my life because I realised I used it as a excuse to stare at nothing saying that I was staring at something. The only reason I don’t do the same with Twitter is because I love to Tweet (I didn’t really Tumblr anything.) I tend to look at my phone, turn it on, look at my apps then turn it off about three or four times in a row before realising that I’d done it and putting my phone down just to reach for it and do it again three or four minutes later.

I’ve been told I need to focus not on time but on what I’m doing instead. At work I’m happy to see moments fly by but if I’m so depressed seeing them fly by at home then I need to focus more on the quality of what I’m doing and not the time its taking me to do it.

The good news that I said I had was that recently I have been getting up at 5-6am, I have been going bed slightly earlier then I used to and I’ve felt better about it. It was a shift that I really was trying to make happen and thankfully it has now. Just not all the time.

So how do you do that? In a world that tells you that time is precious how do you stop yourself worrying about losing time? Is there a good way to plan your day? And if you suffer from depression is there a good way to focus yourself on that plan?


2 thoughts on “Diary #1 : Never Enough Time”

  1. You should go out for 30 minutes every day, even if its just walking around the yard or something. Try to block out day dreaming. Read more, don’t plan as you seem to get upset when you don’t do it.

    How is the best way you have found to save money? I thought you used to take money out and put it in your wallet then you won’t spend it? Why don’t you get some jars and stick like $10 or $20 in there for various things that’ll keep you out of the house? I thought you were going to more conventions and stuff? Have a jar for conventions and a jar for this and jar for that. Either do like $5 in each or else split it whatever way possible. I know its something you’ve been told before in a nasty way but the main problem with being reclusive is you don’t go out. How many times in your two week holiday did you leave the house? Its the environment you are in. Its why you are more productive when you’ve been at work (but unfortunately more tired) because you’ve let yourself breath.

    When I Skype you next the other half wants to talk to you about how her brother worked himself out of his depression enough to be able to go out pretty often and he’s much better now. But get some jars and start saving money. I’m sure there is something you can save for.

    1. Mate you broke the comments! I only noticed your post because I was quickly going past the Dashboard! Its showing up as 0 comments and not in our comment list what did you do?!

      You know funny you should say about the jars because I saw something like that on Tumblr or Instagram so already came up with that idea πŸ™‚ . I think most of my money will go towards travelling to wrestling shows and I’m also saving roughly a little more then my sister spent on her driving lessons in the hope that I can at least get some driving lessons this time next year! I’m also doing the No Chocolate/No Biscuits etc thing going around on Instagram as I realise that 90% of my money goes on food and really doesn’t need to! For someone who hardly goes out and does anything I manage to spend money like no tomorrow! I didn’t get anything in the last Steam sale because I’d ran out of money at the beginning of the month.

      I would love to talk to her about it just let me know when she’s free. I tend to have to go out with more then one person and I’m picky on the person now as I’ve had bad experiences going out with certain people. It sucks and I know its completely stupid but I just get so nervous. If I haven’t got someone watching me lock the door I’ll panic all day that I haven’t locked the door! Also with my dog being a pain and jumping up on the sides now I always panic that I didn’t notice that he’d turned something electrical on and will come back to a burnt down house!

      Hehe I’m kind of looking forward to going back to work and not. As you said I like going because it gets me out of the house but at the same time I hate it because its always so stressful! I try to get the 27 now instead of the 28 so that I have to get off at Deer Park and walk down which doesn’t seem much (if you know how far away they are from each other!) but makes me feel a bit better. I’m also planning on going to the top of the hill and taking a photo from the same place on the 1st of every month, might start tomorrow depending on whether I’ve finished putting up Christmas decorations!

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