27th July – 2nd August
Week 16 Question :
Your views on mainstream music?
Don’t be a snob. Everyone likes different things so let them alone to enjoy what they like.
Plus if you are close minded about music then you’ll let some things slip by you that you could really like. I have known many people (no this isn’t main stream but its a example) who refuse to listen to German/Japanese/Italian music I have on my computer because they won’t understand the words but then listen to them and like them but still refuse to listen to more.
Music is music is music. Who cares what is mainstream or not? Let people enjoy what they want to enjoy and enjoy what you want to enjoy.
I think I might have mentioned once or twice that I was on holiday last week so I got to recharge my batteries before coming back to what will be a few weeks of full time work.
I think going away left me a little numb, it never really felt real. I looked around the caravan every morning and it just didn’t feel like I was really there. The week went much faster then it would have if I had been at home and it was extremely sad to be leaving knowing that now until November its just a wall of working and hoping I get enough money to do things other then sit at home and feel bad that I have no money.
For me it was a bit of a success. I managed to go out every day and be in, albeit small, groups of people. I ate out in a restaurant (kind of), went to a club every night and was always surrounded by people. It wasn’t too bad and after all my moaning I didn’t really miss wrestling that much. I mean I didn’t bother taking Simon Gotch’s tweet notifications off my phone and it didn’t upset me half as much as I thought it would missing out watching wrestling.
My sister was also not half as annoying as I thought she would be. So life is good.
The funny thing is I’ve been up since 7am today and done nearly 60% of what I had planned. Then I started this blog and I stopped.
Writing about myself is the hardest thing mainly because I have to look at my life and ask questions and then answer them.
How do I feel this week?
If I’m honest I’ve been pretty positive until it came to the evenings when I realised I was sleeping the time away till I was going home.
I kind of feel a bit sad too because I’d love to work somewhere like the park I went too (and I will be writing about it tomorrow or later in the week) but I know I have no chance of ever being that out going.
Which kind of goes back to the last few weeks. Anything I WANT to do I have to be outgoing to do. I mean the very top of my ambition right now, like the dream state is to be a Suzi Perry/Renee Young type interviewer. I need to be able to talk to people and how am I going to be able to speak to anyone if I’m terrified to get onto a dance floor with a bunch of under 14s and their parents to dance to “I’m a little yellow fish” ?
I mean EVERYONE was dancing to the YMCA and I just sat being hit in the face by flailing limbs and drinking Southern Comfort.
Deep down though I feel working somewhere like that would help me a load more then working in a shop. If I want to work towards any goal I have then I have to be doing something that has me properly interact with people. I don’t have enough of a expertise in furniture to really talk to our customers about things so I can’t work on my confidence.
I think the worst thing is my sister is a people person so she loves asking questions. I’ve told her about 100 times that I’m agendered and she’s never paid attention, this time she had nothing else to talk about so I had to explain why I feel I’m agendered and explain it all to her. I had to talk to her about how I feel about being stuck in my job and had to talk to her about what I am motivated to do.
It was the first time I actually admitted that even though I put a brave face on and say I’ve never really considered suicide (which I said a month or so ago) actually I’m lying to myself because I’m on the top of that slippery slope and the only real reason I haven’t thought of it is because starting to think about it makes me think about the pain I’d have to go through and then I just cry…..
That though is for something else.
Hmmmm in the next few weeks I’m going to stop talking about what I want to do and start actually putting down plans.
This week though I have a challenge.
These blogs are so boring without any pictures in them so I’m going to be taking more pictures. I’m going to practise drawing every day, even if its just for 10 minutes and random body parts. I’ll be putting pictures of that up in the next blog and selfies and other things.