9th March – 15th March
A much more relaxed week ahead which means time for me to lie back and try and relax a little more.
The most important thing is to try and become more positive and mentally recuperate.
MONDAY 9th March
Woke up : 10:50am
The week hadn’t gotten off to a good start with my sister stressing me out. What was worse was the first weekend I’ve had off completely in a while and the last Saturday I’m going to have off until my holidays was ruined by my sister stressing me out with shit about her dog. Monday came and it hadn’t felt like there had been two days since I was at work. It felt like hours. Monday didn’t go much better even though I wasn’t stressed out I just couldn’t concentrate on anything.
The biggest problem with me is I make big plans and then suddenly nothing actually gets done. I want to Cosplay but I never have the money to do anything. I want to do gaming blogs/vlogs/streaming but I’m not very confident in putting myself out there. I want to do lots of things, join a club, go to conventions, meet new people, learn to drive… And then all I can do is come up with reasons why I can’t do it. I’m not particularly proactive or positive in general.
My biggest problem is not having any imagination. When I was at school and people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I decided what my life dream was just so happened to be one of the only jobs I knew of. I didn’t dream big I went with teaching because I knew that there was teachers and I knew what teaching was. So even though I didn’t like kids much even as a teenager, I don’t have the confidence to stand in front of a group of people regardless of their age and I have a terrible memory teaching was apparently what I’d decided I wanted to do. When I had to choose my GCSE’s and A-Levels I didn’t go for anything like IT or Business or something I didn’t already know I could do, A-Levels was worse because I didn’t bother with anything like Photography or media because I KNEW I wanted to do something with Literature or History… Because I was good at Literature and History. I liked them too but I never really imagined anything that I could do with them. I didn’t think bigger then the world I already felt comfortable in. When I then found myself without many qualifications and looking for a job because I couldn’t go with the “big” dream I wandered into the realms of retail because it was the only thing I could do. Other people on my course had gotten work experiences in offices and all sorts but as far as I knew retail was all I was good for because I didn’t think outside of a very small box.
That is one reason why we have really stupid ideas for blogs on here because we try to think outside the box, unfortunately most of the ideas you find on here come from others or from others telling me to be unconventional. That is the thing I lack in life. Regardless of how well I could do something I possibly would never have the idea TO do something. There is plenty that I’d LOVE to do but I don’t have the imagination to START the idea rolling.It takes over my life though because along with the painful lack of imagination I suffer from a terrible amount of lack of self confidence. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging about anything but I know that creatively I’m on the same level as any of my friends. I’m not a great writer but I write as well as they do, I don’t have the motivation to finish anything I start but the stuff I do start is as good as the stuff they do. The thing is even though I know that I’m just as good as them I don’t have the confidence they do to put myself out there. This is the closest I can honestly say that I do things outwardly. It’s just extremely hard.
I don’t know why this became important to me on Monday but it did.
TUESDAY 10th March
Woke up : 10:45am
I’ve become extremely inactive. I’ve become really lethargic and black out quite easily right now.
Something very sad to be announcing on a blog but its the truth.
I know that most of my hobbies are indoors hobbies and that is fine. Honestly I don’t think there is any problem with doing things indoors. The problem is when things I love don’t hold any kind of interest in me. Did I want to play video games? No. Read? No. Nothing at all made me happy.
The week was still going pretty badly for me anyway and it was going so fast.
The day went even faster considering that I sat in my chair for hours at a time pretty much staring into space. Its sad that this is what my life has come to mean.
WEDNESDAY 11th March
Woke up : 11:55am
Four hours after waking up and it was pretty much the end of the day for me.
These are the kind of days that when I was younger I used to love but now I just hate. What I did in four hours was brilliant BUT at the same time it was depressing thinking that if I had woken up at 6am and put the same kind of effort in I’d have gotten three times as much done in the small period of time.
I really feel like I need to start scheduling my life right down to when I eat and drink things. It sounds really strange but if I can get my body into a rhythm it might not go to a stuttering halt. I still want to drink a lot of water but I also want to wake up early enough to have my breakfast and also a hour of Wii Fitting. I’d like to get into the habit of doing some Wii Fit stuff before I even go to work but again I need to wake up at the earliest 6am. The big problem for me is that even with my alarm right next to my head I can’t actually wake up to it. I wake up at 7am every day when I’m working but when I’m not I just don’t hear the alarm. My hearing is getting worse as well so if I lie on one side too long at night my ear will block up and I can’t hear anything at all.
Next week I feel like I’ll try and do a schedule.
THURSDAY 12th March
Woke up : 9:50am
Don’t think that I woke up early because I’d had some kind of epiphany. It really wasn’t. My next door neighbour knocked at our door at about 9:30 and then my friend came around. So I was awake because she’d knocked on the door and then because he came around I was awake enough I didn’t lie about at all.
Today was an OK day. Again my mental ability to process the day is the thing that fails me.
I was playing through Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep for a part of the day and then the first episode of Sam and Max before a bit of news (talked about in the News of the Week section) took me out of the day. But before the bad news I was kind of out of it anyway and just kind of slowly getting depressed because no matter what I did the day was going to end and I was going to go to work the day after. There was still so much I wanted to do, and there is still plenty I really need to do, but I knew that I’d wasted a lot of the week and there was just nothing else I can do.
Again this is all going to go into my trying to schedule my life out to the last detail. I just don’t know what to do with myself.
FRIDAY 13th March
Woke up : 7:30am
The day was good day, I was working with our assistant manager who is a bit crazy. The day was enjoyable but at the same time I didn’t really have much to do. The customers aren’t really coming in so the days are getting longer and more boring then ever. I’ve also ran out of money for the month so lunches are sparse which is annoying.
There isn’t much more to say about the Friday if I’m honest with you. When I got home I was going to watch Death Parade and Assassination Classroom with Luc but the streams online weren’t working for them so we gave up (which obviously is the excuse Luc is using for not having done the reviews yet either) and in the end I watched a bit of One Piece before going to bed.
SATURDAY 14th March
Woke up : 7am
My mum brought our dog Gimli home so through the night I had a giant Border Collie jump on me constantly during the night. It isn’t that bad though, if I’m honest it helped me wake up in the morning.
The day was even worse then before. Just nothing to do all day long.
When I got home I spent most of the evening taking the dog out for walks around the block with my mum whilst watching One Piece. It doesn’t sound like a great night in but I enjoyed it. I kind of spent Friday night staying up to see what the outcome of the Sauber v Giedo court case would be and didn’t really want to be doing it again tonight (though it was settled quite fast) I was planning on waking up for the race but that didn’t seem to happen.
SUNDAY 15th March
Woke up : 10am
So I got dragged out of bed to take the dog through the woods with my mum and my friend.
The walk was nice but Gimli is a nervous dog and it gets embarrassing when we’re out walking and he can’t behave. Its the one thing I love about my sisters dog Scooby, he loves people so he can go off his lead and is really well behaved. Gimli you can’t take off his lead.
Other then that it was a nice walk, we went to a woods that not many people use and only really met anyone at the top of the hill
The rest of the day we sat watching Fringe.
I think going out and doing something made me feel a little better about the week but at the same time I’m not particularly looking forward to next week where I’m working four days on the trot at the end of the week. I kind of liked having some time to myself.
I’ve gotten through another week though that is all that matters.
News of the week :
I think this weeks news is one of the worst pieces of news I’ve ever heard in my life. On Thursday by far the greatest man I’ve ever met and my biggest hero Terry Pratchett died. Even now it doesn’t feel real, people keep saying that it was inevitable and they knew it was coming but I really didn’t see it coming. Honestly. It was only Christmas that I was sitting here listening to Good Omens and Neil Gaiman saying if they didn’t do it now then Terry wouldn’t be able to enjoy it down the line. To think a man that has written so many books, books that I love, books that I’ve been reading since I was a child, is now gone completely is unbelievable.
I honestly don’t think it’ll ever feel real. It won’t feel real that I’ll never meet him again, it won’t feel real that if they make another of his books into a TV series/movie he won’t cameo in it, it honestly doesn’t feel real that we’ll never get another Discworld book or anything from him again.
I just can’t believe he isn’t here any more.
TV Show of the Week :
All the TV shows are quite interesting this week but the winner is going to be Bates Motel. It was such a good first episode, it didn’t even need anything dramatic to happen to be good. I really enjoyed it. Everything was good this week its just a shame its all on on either Monday’s or Tuesdays!
Random Thought of the Week :
Passage of time is a strange thing. I was thinking about it whilst reading Amanda’s F1 blog and thinking about F1 itself. Sticking with the F1 theme (passage of time can be a lengthy discussion done time and again in various ways) just 10 years ago one of my favourite periods in F1 started.
I’ve loved F1 since I was a kid, grew up supporting Damon Hill and Eddie Irvine, supported Fisichella all his career, fell in love with Alonso, Button, Webber, Massa…. And others… As and when they came. Cried when they went. 10 years ago though was the year Alonso won his first GP and the year I feel that this generation of drivers put their stamp on the sport. Not that they hadn’t beforehand but they were in the shadow of Schumacher and his dominance. 2005 saw a change to that. We had Alonso and Fisichella in the Renault (beautiful blue cars) with Flavio Briatore in charge. Oh the fun of that team, they were all so grumpy at times but they were always fun to listen to. It wasn’t whining for the sake of whining it was real grumpy arguing and stuff. You had Team Schumi at Ferrari still who were conservative yet somehow very interesting. McLaren had the wonderful team up of Raikkonen and Montoya, man I loved Montoya he was a real character and teaming him up with the Iceman was brilliant. It was also the year of Montoya’s infamous arm injury. There was Webber in Williams with Heidfeld (man I loved those two) and Villeneuve who I miss as much as Montoya. Jarno Trulli, Ralf Schumacher, Tiago Monteiro, Christijan Albers….
That was ten years ago. So many characters, all of them extremely passionate and lots of fun in the paddock.
OK so I’m not saying that the drivers now are all boring or something but they all know they have to toe the line. You don’t get people who just explode with emotions like Montoya does which gives them the perception of sulking instead of stating things they really feel. It feels much more like a business even for the drivers then a sport. Even though the broadcasters keep doing fun things with drivers nothing they do brings back the fun that the grid just kind of drowned in back then. The racing wasn’t always brilliant but there was racing and it was explosive at times.
Ten years doesn’t seem that much but since then Schumacher has retired, come back and is now recovering from a terrible skiing accident, Jenson Button went from being a prospect to being at the back of the grid and hardly finishing a race to winning the championship and joining McLaren to…. Being at the back of the grid. Ferrari have never really been the same since, Renault, Toyota, Honda and BMW have all gone as have Jordan and Minardi. Nearly the whole grid is different with only Button, Raikkonen (who also spent time outside of F1 after leaving Ferrari in 2009 and came back) and Alonso still remaining from then. The sport that was once full of vibrant personalities and always seemed busy and full now feels empty and a little dull.
There are a lot of reasons I don’t really want to think about 10 years ago, 10 years ago I was just leaving school, 10 years ago I was a teenager and didn’t have to worry about money and stuff like that, 10 years ago I was sat glued to every single F1 race, I wrote about F1 nearly daily, I got angry and happy and sad about F1 drivers and teams. I hunted for photos of drivers and cars. I watched other racing series and followed numerous drivers in different series.
I can hardly make myself watch F1 let alone anything else, I’ve completely given up on MotoGP (for different reasons though, I don’t think I’ll ever get over Marco Simoncelli’s death and it always feels like it only happened) and I couldn’t tell you any up and coming F1 drivers if you paid me too. I knew Felipe Nasr for shallow reasons, people posted about him for a year or two and I thought he was quite good looking and I knew Jules Bianchi purely because he looked a bit like Giancarlo Fisichella and I got attached to him. I wanted to watch Formula E though that doesn’t really mean much because most of the drivers in that have been in F1 anyway, but I just don’t care. I don’t care about racing. I want F1 to be brilliant and because it isn’t I don’t care about anything else.
It is very sad.
Next week I am posting a selfie a day with my blog as well as possibly a random picture of what I was doing a day. I’ll also hopefully start my scheduling or if not the scheduling then I’ll be doing the planning of the scheduling for the week after. The most important thing will be attempting to wake up at the latest 8am.
Until then I hope everyone has a good week and if you want to talk then hit me up in the comments!