50 Shades of Grey (2015)

50 Shades of Grey blew out of nowhere and ended up everywhere in a very small period of time a few years ago. Since then you can’t move without people muttering of their Christian Grey.

I am one of what feels like the smallest of minorities that haven’t read the book, having not bothered after having every small detail told to me by the people at work. After suffering from a bad week my partner decided to take me to see the move for a bit of a laugh and cheer me up.

So much hype for this but was it any good?

That would be a resounding no.

There are two reasons I disliked the film. Possibly three.

First off is the characters. They are boring and bland and seem to be written into one dimensional stereotypes. Anastasia is nothing more then a walking cliche, every type of shy, cutesy or virgin stereotype you could possibly find is thrown on her in abundance along with a healthy dose of forgetting whatever she just said three seconds before. Christian Grey, the man that everyone fell in love with, is little more then a robot in a suit. I liked Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan but they had nothing to work with. The characters were just dull and their motives were weak at best.

This goes to the second point. The dialogue was childish and bland. Why would Anastasia fall in love with a guy who speaks like he’s been programmed not to have a heart and when he does have human moments speaks like a teenage boy “You mean your a virgin?” yes this grown women just told you she’s never slept with anyone so we get his teenage sniggery comment followed by some weak “I’ve been waiting for the right guy” comment.

Honestly it all sounded like descriptive parts of a story that they’ve decided, just to hit home that they are about to have sex, want to have sex and of course are alluding to sex, they now need to say out loud. It felt much more like a talking book then a movie.

There was a possible third?

Oh yes. The story itself was just bizarre! We see that this woman falls in love with a man because he’s attractive. Fair enough everyone thinks they fall in love because someone else is attractive, I’m 100% certain I’m in love with quite a few attractive males its all good.

Nowhere in the story do they think its the right time to actually, you know, show either of them falling in love.

In any other film Christian Grey would have been the creepy stalker who ended up killing Kate in the bathroom, running over José and sleeping with Anastasia’s mother! No kidding! How many movies start off with a guy (usually a nice guy, caring, gentle who does something NICE to make the girl like him) who gets too personal too fast and ends up being deranged and pretty much a creep? No in 50 Shades that is about the only stereotype that isn’t thrown in! Instead this guy invades her life, her personal space, puts conditions on their relationship before they even have one, gets angry when she’s going to see her mother, once more invades her personal space, sells her stuff and replaces it with new stuff and to top it all off has a strange idea of what BDSM is and that’s OK because Anastasia loves him.

She walks away in the movie but by the fact there are three books I’m guessing she walks back in?

I just find it strange. I mean good on it for being different I’ll give you that. I don’t think it made much sense though. I’d like for different lifestyles to be portrayed in a good light, BDSM is nothing to be afraid of or to snigger at, its a choice like everything. 50 Shades isn’t the movie to do that though.

I guess the problem is when the background characters mean more to me then the main characters then a movie has a big problem. I don’t care about Anastasia Steele and even though there were a few moments that I thought were great (her getting drunk in the club was brilliant) and in anything else Johnson and Dornan would make a great couple (I mean they were made to play a couple in a Romcom! Johnson is brilliant and Dornan has this lost look on his face at times that is calling out for a Romcom at some point) but they were given paper thin and boring characters to play and played them better then they were obviously written.

And I don’t mean in the books! From the way they acted to the way they talked the film was terrible. I mean I guess seeing so many people want a Christian Grey in their lives that there is SOMETHING more to him then being a billionaire who has great sex in the books? Surely? Or are we really going to just be happy with a man with good looks, great sex and expensive toys but lacks personality, depth, interests, warmth or anything human about him?

I heard that Dornan possibly won’t be coming back for a second film, I have to say if there is a second I’ll be interested to find out what silly excuse Anastasia makes for going back to him ten seconds later!



Just two other things.

1/ I do think Christian Grey is extremely creepy. Not because of what he is into sexually but because he is extremely creepy. The relationship is borderline abusive because you know what? You CAN be mentally abused as well. At times it left a bad taste in my mouth watching how he dominated Anastasia in her life. As I said before in anything he’d be creep #1 ready to stalk the heck out of our main gal but in this we’re meant to hand wave it away because?

2/ WHY out of all the authors in the world did we have to have a line asking why she fell in love with literature? And why did she have to answer with one of the three names given? I don’t know why it bugged me but as someone who fell in love with literature at a young age it has always annoyed me that if I don’t say I love Tom Hardy, the Bronte sisters or Jane Austin people look at me weird. I mean what is wrong with falling in love with literature because of Dr Suess? Its more likely that it would be him or Roald Dahl, CS Lewis or Tolkien that you fell in love with first then Hardy. I really don’t know why it bugged me so much! There is so much more to literature then the classics and that line just made me want to throw my popcorn at the screen! Honestly I’m not sure why!

One thought on “50 Shades of Grey (2015)”

  1. The moment she asked what a butt plug is made me laugh.

    The movie was terrible but let me explain…

    I went out drinking once (about the only time I’ve been out drinking) with some old school friends and my sister. My friends dad is gay and apparently my friend had gone into his bedroom and found all his sex toys. I don’t know how the story went from that to us rather loudly talking about death by butt plug (we were drunk so it was rather funny!) but I remember a whole table of guys next to us suddenly becoming extremely interested in joining in with the butt plug talk! So her confusion over a butt plug made me laugh.

    Worth watching to laugh at how uncomfortable the actors look, how terrible the dialogue is and how 1 dimensional all the characters are but don’t waste money on it!

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