16th February – 22nd February
The thing with this week is that I was working a lot. It kind of got to me a little because I had agreed to work these extra hours last week and I didn’t really need too. Well I did because I need the money when I can get it but I probably shouldn’t have bothered.
MONDAY 16th February
Woke up : 7:30am
Monday didn’t go too bad. We still have our individual targets which winds me up from time to time but isn’t too bad.
The day was quiet and I hate that. I really can’t stand how quiet it is, I mean fair enough I also don’t want it to be extremely busy but having absolutely nothing to do all day drives me insane little by little.
Once more I didn’t do much, work was boring and coming home I didn’t do anything. I could hardly be bothered to watch the anime and TV shows I was meant to be watching let alone anything else.
When I got home I realised that the way I feel was going to haunt the week and it did. Because I wasn’t actually meant to work Monday, I’d just agreed to work Monday, it started my week off badly. As I said it wasn’t a bad day but I forgot for a moment about targets and all that and suddenly I realised that I’d be spending too much of a week stressing about stuff.
I went to bed crying because I couldn’t honestly face the rest of the week.
TUESDAY 17th February
Woke up : 8am
Oh but why was I so early out of bed on a day off you ask?!
I was babysitting. I got nothing done all day but I spent the day with my niece. I don’t think this made anything better because I felt completely lost. I couldn’t concentrate on doing stuff I wanted to do, I couldn’t write or anything. I spent most of the day just watching films with her and making a den in the front room whilst she spilt milk all over the place and was generally a pain in the butt.
It meant the feeling that started yesterday grew all day. Why? Because now I had one day off left and I was spending that with someone else. I had no time to myself this week and I had no time to do anything I wanted to do. It sounds a little over dramatic but I find it hard enough (as I’ve said countless times on this blog) to motivate myself with time on my hands let alone after spending stressful times at work. The problem this leads to is me starting to lose hope. Just hope. Not in anything just hope. I don’t think good things will happen, I don’t think anything, I’ll spend most of the week trying to be happy or do something productive or feel good about myself. I’ll let everything get on top of me and by the end of the week I’ll just be so down I don’t think I’ll be able to pick myself up again. Because the following week I’m doing overtime.
I feel so down.
WEDNESDAY 18th February
Woke up : 9am
I spent the whole day playing Kingdom Hearts 2.5.
I had no energy. Drinking water has gone out the window. Eating healthy forget it. I spent about £40 on food which lasted a week before going off or just disappearing and now I have no money whatsoever.
I really suffered from the mid week blues. I spent most of the day in tears whilst taking out my anger and frustrations on KH. Nothing felt good, I hated looking at myself, I hated thinking about myself I just hated myself and I had myself for company. My friend was here too but he just talks and talks and talks about crap and I wasn’t in the mood for it but I also didn’t feel I could tell him to piss off. So I hated myself and I was bored of him and I just really wanted to disappear off the face of the planet.
With every hour, each and every one of the bastards going by in a blink of a eye as well, I felt the weight of working till Sunday on me. So more tears. My friend didn’t even notice. Ever. I cried. Played games. Cried some more. Played some more. Got angry. Cried. By the time I went to bed I felt so empty I can’t even explain how empty I felt.
I lay in bed thinking about how good I was last week and how positive I’d felt and how happy I was. Three days after that and I’m a wreck. I have no motivation, I feel fat and disgusting and have no energy. There was just nothing there. I know I’m in a hole right now but I’ve never felt more like I’d never get out of it then I did today. If I don’t start moving on with my life this year I’m going to be stuck like this forever. Lonely, miserable, empty, fat and disgusting with no motivation and no life.
My last thought for the day was it was all I deserved and I’d never crawl my way out of that hole so I should stop crying about it and get on with my miserable existence.
THURSDAY 19th February
Woke up : 7:45am
I got up and was completely deflated before I even began. I had about a days worth of lunch stuff, was running out of bus tickets and just realised that I didn’t have enough money left in my bank for my bills.
I had to hold back from crying all the way into town on the bus.
I spent most of the day trying to cheer myself up by talking to the people at work. It was a quiet day and we did alright but by the time the other sales assistant had left I felt even more empty. I had to wait on the shop floor till we closed (about a hour later) with hardly a single customer in the shop and the boys in the back were all busy. With nothing to do I had only my stupid, horrible self for company and man am I terrible company.
When I got home people kept asking me what we were going to do, what would we watch, what did I feel like. The awful truth was I just didn’t feel like anything. Movies I loved I just had no time for, movies I’d never seen didn’t seem interesting enough and even anime didn’t do it for me. Heck you could have told me we’d marathon Doctor Who and I would have thrown the DVDs back in your face (even 11s first series or Trial of the Time Lord and they are my two favs!)
I went to bed feeling tired. Not just physically but emotionally. I just couldn’t care any more.
FRIDAY 20th February
Woke up : 7:00am
Today was the perfect example of why I hate having a personal target. I spent the whole day trying to make mine because everyone was making a big deal about it.
I honestly couldn’t care less in reality whether I make it or not but I get swept up in it. I don’t like competition and I don’t do it for competitive reasons but there’s always this edge to the voice when someone else makes their target. No one looks at how many customers you’ve served or what else you’ve done all day. No one cares. If you put the money through the till and its under your name that is all that matters.
I hate things like that because it makes me feel useless. I’m not a great seller, I can’t be! I suffer from mixing up my words and getting tongue tied so I sound completely stupid when I talk to customers. My strengths are in doing the admin tasks. When the store is quiet like it was I can’t do the going around following people about, I don’t like doing it either because I hate it when people do it to me in stores!
When I got home it was kind of like I’d been taking some kind of drug. I had been so breathless all day and even in my quiet moments (which I need to take from time to time when they are being like that) I found myself on a verge of having a anxiety attack and had to slap myself back into the here and now. The thing that pisses me off about that is because I look normal and because I battle my anxiety myself, quietly without having to announce it to the world or have a panic attack in front of people everyone I work with thinks I’m this strong and not caring person. I’m far from strong and I take everything personally and I’ve told my manager this. She seems to think that if you don’t look like you have a mental disorder then you just shouldn’t have one. She doesn’t seem to realise that just because I look like I might have come from a decent background and therefore I should be treated the way she treats her own kids that I could suffer like some of our volunteers.
It means she pushes and I can’t push back at her and I need to push back at her because her pushing me is going to push me off the edge.
SATURDAY 21st February
Woke up : 7:55am
I actually woke up at 5am and spent the whole morning crying. I physically couldn’t take any more of the week.
Thing is nothing bad had happened. You are probably reading my slow decent into madness and thinking “but why?”
I can’t tell you why. Probably stress, probably depression. Probably a lot of things. I can’t help the way I felt or the way I still feel. I have a problem of letting things really build up on top of me to the point that I get suffocated, a year and a half ago it got so bad I had to have a month off on sick leave because the doctors thought I’d have a nervous breakdown if I didn’t get away from it all. I hated every day. I hated everything. I hated myself more then anything.
I knew from mid day on Monday that the week would just get worse and worse and I can tell you now that in two weeks time, or maybe three because I think I’m doing another three weeks of over time, by that third week this blog will probably be some kind of far out depressing tale.
I don’t know why it happens to me, I don’t know why simple things like not having enough time to myself or me perceiving that there is extra pressure on me to do things hurts so much but it does.
I think now more then ever though I just look at things I wish I could do and it depresses me. I don’t even know where to start in changing my life so I don’t think I’m able to do so. And then with all the crap in the world slowly getting on top of me I just don’t see the point.
Saturday was a busy day at work though, we did about £4000 which is a lot of money really. It was busy the whole day through but there was just too much stress and too much pressure and by the time I left I just didn’t feel like I could carry on.
I felt so tired that I went to bed extremely early and just lay there.
SUNDAY 22nd February
Woke up : 8am
The first Sunday I’ve worked in a long time. It was a horrible day, raining really nasty. I needed to get a lift from my warehouse supervisor into work because my bus doesn’t start until 10am so I’d get into work 30 minutes late.
The horribleness of the weather just reflected my sleep deprived bad mood and my terrible week. The day went slowly, not deadly slow but slow enough. I did a load of things that I needed to do and we made our daily target. Then at the end of the day when I went to do the end of day stuff so that I could go to the bank and make sure I didn’t miss my bus we got so busy that we ended up taking another £800 after I’d cashed up.
The whole day though just seemed really depressing.
When I finally got home I just once more felt so emotionally tired that I couldn’t be bothered any more. Truly I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.
I didn’t. Obviously. That is why this blog is being written right now. OK its taken me quite the while to write it but its been done.
And it is still taking forever so I’m giving up because its past midnight now.
News of the Week:
Apparently people are going on a one way trip to Mars. The thing that made me pick this out of all the news stories is the fact that it is going to be filmed. The news reports didn’t say in a documentary fashion or anything. No. It is to be filmed as a reality TV show. Seriously. That is how it was reported. People are apparently going to go live on Mars AND IT’LL BE A REALITY TV SERIES!
TV show of the week :
Well nothing is going to top the Mars reality TV show coming to you soon but I think this week it goes to The Walking Dead which had a marvellous episode this week. And yes that has a little to do with Daryl eating worms. He’s such a babe when he does that! House of Fools came back and almost beat it though, I’m not sure if that is good news for The Walking Dead or I’m just too in love with Vic and Bob.
Anime of the week :
Assassination Classroom beats everything. Bitch-sensei is life. Then again I also haven’t actually WATCHED this weeks assassination classroom and am talking about last weeks episode which I only watched yesterday. Hmmmm…. Technically then it would be Death Parade for more wonderful Ginti moments. I’m not sure I’m too happy with learning more about Decim though!
Film of the week:
Snowpiercer was a great film. I’ll have to write a review about it to tell you how much I loved it but it was outstanding. Honestly it took my breath away!
Song of the week :
Parklife – Blur. I decided the news of the week was the Mars thing but the other big news for me personally was Blur making a new album. I love Blur always have and always will. Parklife was my song of the week before the news broke though because I just needed something to perk me up every day. As you can tell it didn’t do much to help my spiral into depression but I love it all the same.
Random thought of the week :
Only a quick one because obviously as I said above its midnight and this blog is now technically late and I’m also extremely tired.
I’m not sure what I want to write really, most of this blog is really negative and I don’t like that but I’m having a negative week and I can’t think of positives.
I mean I know I’m not the only person in the world that feels like they should be out there doing something. I want to loose this weight and I want to do all these amazing things but as I said above I’m in such a deep hole I don’t think I’ll ever get to move outside of Plymouth let alone move to America or Japan or do something cool with my life.
I mean I’d love to work in movies, not a actress or anything like that, even if its just holding an umbrella for someone. I once thought about being a umbrella girl in MotoGP then realised I wasn’t good looking enough (this was before I put on a lot of weight, well I was still chubby back then too but I wasn’t as big as I was now and I was deluded enough to think I’d lose the extra weight easily.) I’d learn how to make tea and coffee if it meant following someone like Norman Reedus or Tom Hiddleston around a film/TV set all day. I’d even battle my anxiety and go order things for them.
As I said everyone thinks about that kind of life though. Possibly its because I just have nothing else that it hurts so much not being out there doing something exciting. Like most of the people I went to school with are now married, got good jobs, have their own houses and have really adult and exciting lives then there is me. I still live at home because I don’t have a good job and can’t afford to move out, I can’t even afford to live where I am living so I’m not really living at all. I sit in a house all day trying not to think.
I just feel like there has to be one thing I’m good at. If I’m honest I suck at everything I do so there has to be something that I can do. Something out there. I like to think that if I could just find something then I’d be able to beat this. Then I realise that I’m one of the poor sods that get to spend their whole lives irrelevant to the world at large and that really upsets me.
I would give anything just to do something really exciting for once in my life. Even if it was just one time only. Working on one movie, working for a F1 team for a year… Even if after its all finished I had to return back to the life I had before I’d take it in a heartbeat just so that I had that one thing in my life.
I turn 26 this year.
I’m starting to feel like I shouldn’t even be here any more.
I am terribly sorry that this blog has been so depressing this week. I wouldn’t hold your breath for me being much more cheerful next week as I’m doing EVEN MORE overtime. I’m basically doing full time for the week which includes working a full weekend again.
I honestly don’t think I can cope with the world the way it is right now. I’m starting to feel worse then I’ve ever felt before, I’m moving away from rational thinking and just spending my whole life in some kind of tormented day dream. I’m going to try to battle this next week.
Drink lots of water.
Do at least 30 minutes on my Wii Fit on Monday or Tuesday.
Lets do this!